A review by rachelnevada
The Other Significant Others: Reimagining Life with Friendship at the Center by Rhaina Cohen
challenging
emotional
informative
reflective
4.25
It's safe to say that I have spent far too much time in the past few years devouring any book I could get my hands on related to complicating the intimacies of friendship (see Nothing Burns as Bright as You, Big Friendship: How We Keep Each Other Close, Queering Friendship, How We Show Up: Reclaiming Family, Friendship, and Community, etc.), but Rhaina Cohen's The Other Significant Others really takes the cake. To say it's the book I've been looking for may be a bit dramatic, but it covers a lot of ground really, really (really!) well.
The Other Significant Others is divided into 8 chapters, plus an Introduction and an Epilogue. Each chapter focuses on a key aspect of platonic life partnership/romantic friendships, blending together social science research, anecdotes from actual partners, and Cohen's own personal experience with a close friend named Em. The chapters tackle defining these friendships, compulsory coupledom (a concept of Cohen's own making derived from amatonormativity), queerness (including asexuality), masculinity and emotional intimacy, child rearing, care giving, grieving, and legal benefits.
Folks who know me well will recognize many of my favorite talking points echoed throughout Cohen's work. She does an excellent job blending the emotional depth of these intimate friendships with all of the socio-political commentary a girl could ask for. For example in the chapter on grieving, Cohen tackles her own friendship heartbreak and the inequity of work bereavement policies. Since this is a topic I both think about and read about a LOT, I found Cohen's book to be more affirming than enlightening (unsurprising considering I've read a solid portion of Cohen's bibliography). However, if you're new to the topic, you're guaranteed to learn a wealth of information in a very engaging way. I'll certainly still take away some new bits and pieces
I do, however, have some minor quibbles with this book, especially as a queer ace person. As I mentioned earlier, Cohen has positioned her book as a challenge to compulsory coupledom, which she argues is derived from amatonormativity. However, it was frustrating that Cohen a) focused on folks who primarily came into these relationships unintentionally and b) continued to conflate sex and romance throughout the book, despite clearly understanding their distinction. For example, while Cohen does include an ace narrative in her book, she does not discuss queer platonic relationships (QPRs) at all. This is especially curious considering how in Chapter 1, Cohen discusses the limits of modern language to discuss these kinds of relationships. The ace community has developed the framework of QPRs, which has provided some greater understanding of these relationships and has allowed some folks to enter these relationships with greater intentionality. Furthermore, Cohen shies away from polyamorous relationship styles (although she mentions them), seemingly because she doesn't view herself as having multiple sexual or romantic partners. But there are polyamorous frameworks, like Relationship Anarchy, that specifically make space for platonic partnerships and their exclusion in this book was disappointing.
To my second point, I was also surprised to see that Cohen alluded to the split attraction model (which states that your romantic orientation can be different from your sexual orientation) but never delved deeply into it. I think it is fascinating to consider whether or not these intimate platonic relationships are romantic or not and I think the split attraction model helps open up the possibilities of romance existing outside of sexual relationships. In fact, it would have been lovely to include greater reference to people in romantic relationships devoid of sex. Cohen's avoidance of the topic feels almost like an avoidance of difficult questions. If sex is the only defining difference between her relationship with Em and her relationship with Marco, how is her relationship with Em different than the relationship between two asexual homoromantic lesbians? I don't think she knows the answer to this, but I wish she had at least raised the question.
I also found myself really desperate for clearer definitions! While Cohen talks about how romance can be distinct from sex, she continues to conflate the two in the rest of the book, often using "romantic relationships" as a contrast for "platonic relationships" (this, despite the fact that she acknowledges that some of these platonic relationships are also romantic!). I believe this is because she's referencing "modern romance" but the distinction is often unclear.
However, overall I really loved this book! Cohen brings such care and tenderness to the topic that is really easily felt. She has a knack for capturing the deep and abiding love between her subjects. I think readers will find their worlds a bit brighter and bigger after reading it and I'm looking forward to owning a physical copy that I can scribble all over.
If folks are looking for more books that push the envelope and help us reimagine what community care might look like, I really recommend Mia Birdsong's How We Show Up: Reclaiming Family, Friendship, and Community!!!
The Other Significant Others is divided into 8 chapters, plus an Introduction and an Epilogue. Each chapter focuses on a key aspect of platonic life partnership/romantic friendships, blending together social science research, anecdotes from actual partners, and Cohen's own personal experience with a close friend named Em. The chapters tackle defining these friendships, compulsory coupledom (a concept of Cohen's own making derived from amatonormativity), queerness (including asexuality), masculinity and emotional intimacy, child rearing, care giving, grieving, and legal benefits.
Folks who know me well will recognize many of my favorite talking points echoed throughout Cohen's work. She does an excellent job blending the emotional depth of these intimate friendships with all of the socio-political commentary a girl could ask for. For example in the chapter on grieving, Cohen tackles her own friendship heartbreak and the inequity of work bereavement policies. Since this is a topic I both think about and read about a LOT, I found Cohen's book to be more affirming than enlightening (unsurprising considering I've read a solid portion of Cohen's bibliography). However, if you're new to the topic, you're guaranteed to learn a wealth of information in a very engaging way. I'll certainly still take away some new bits and pieces
I do, however, have some minor quibbles with this book, especially as a queer ace person. As I mentioned earlier, Cohen has positioned her book as a challenge to compulsory coupledom, which she argues is derived from amatonormativity. However, it was frustrating that Cohen a) focused on folks who primarily came into these relationships unintentionally and b) continued to conflate sex and romance throughout the book, despite clearly understanding their distinction. For example, while Cohen does include an ace narrative in her book, she does not discuss queer platonic relationships (QPRs) at all. This is especially curious considering how in Chapter 1, Cohen discusses the limits of modern language to discuss these kinds of relationships. The ace community has developed the framework of QPRs, which has provided some greater understanding of these relationships and has allowed some folks to enter these relationships with greater intentionality. Furthermore, Cohen shies away from polyamorous relationship styles (although she mentions them), seemingly because she doesn't view herself as having multiple sexual or romantic partners. But there are polyamorous frameworks, like Relationship Anarchy, that specifically make space for platonic partnerships and their exclusion in this book was disappointing.
To my second point, I was also surprised to see that Cohen alluded to the split attraction model (which states that your romantic orientation can be different from your sexual orientation) but never delved deeply into it. I think it is fascinating to consider whether or not these intimate platonic relationships are romantic or not and I think the split attraction model helps open up the possibilities of romance existing outside of sexual relationships. In fact, it would have been lovely to include greater reference to people in romantic relationships devoid of sex. Cohen's avoidance of the topic feels almost like an avoidance of difficult questions. If sex is the only defining difference between her relationship with Em and her relationship with Marco, how is her relationship with Em different than the relationship between two asexual homoromantic lesbians? I don't think she knows the answer to this, but I wish she had at least raised the question.
I also found myself really desperate for clearer definitions! While Cohen talks about how romance can be distinct from sex, she continues to conflate the two in the rest of the book, often using "romantic relationships" as a contrast for "platonic relationships" (this, despite the fact that she acknowledges that some of these platonic relationships are also romantic!). I believe this is because she's referencing "modern romance" but the distinction is often unclear.
However, overall I really loved this book! Cohen brings such care and tenderness to the topic that is really easily felt. She has a knack for capturing the deep and abiding love between her subjects. I think readers will find their worlds a bit brighter and bigger after reading it and I'm looking forward to owning a physical copy that I can scribble all over.
If folks are looking for more books that push the envelope and help us reimagine what community care might look like, I really recommend Mia Birdsong's How We Show Up: Reclaiming Family, Friendship, and Community!!!