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A review by readsforlove
Gay the Pray Away by Natalie Naudus
5.0
Holy hell, this book was something else. I alternated between audio and physical because there were just too many lines that I needed to tab, and often whole pages that I needed to mark because this book gets it. BIG CONTENT WARNING for religious trauma (though one can assume that with the title and blurb).
I grew up in a very conservative church of christ in a Tennessee small town. We were taught that women could not speak or have any sort of role in church services (aside from nursery duty, where the ladies are tucked away out of sight). Growing up a aro/ace kid that didn't realize those were things I could even be, I was terrified about my future that was only going to matter if I found a man to marry that shared my desires and dreams. Because I believed--I was told--that I could only make a difference in god's kingdom (which is the only point of life, of course) if I had a man leading the way that could speak for me. It made me both nauseous and terrified. I couldn't understand how I was supposed to serve god's kingdom if I wasn't even allowed to stand before a group of people to speak about Jesus.
Fast forward to now, and it's wild to revisit the deep mind games played by religious indoctrination. The depictions of emotional abuse (and allusions to physical child abuse), the tension and manipulation required to survive, the stress and fear of thought crimes--it all hit the mark dead center. This book also did a great job making both Valerie and Riley very real and understandable characters. Valeria was head over heels for Riley, but Riley wasn't perfect. They were both so gentle to each other every step of the way, and the tenderness melted my heart. Valerie had so much agency, and didn't let Riley (who knew a lot more about the world) teach her everything and just listen to her blindly. Val snuck onto the computers at the library and researched on her own, hunting down knowledge with her angry pen and grabbing it with both hands to swallow it hole. She was so strong and brave and a beautiful protagonist.
I feel like the best way to make my point is to just leave some of the best quotes, so have a gander and then go get the book. (Though do be gentle with yourself, especially if you're queer and have religious trauma. I had to take lots of breaks.)
"Even though it sometimes stings to hear I am not my own, that I belong to my dad and God and my future husband, that’s my own sinful nature, letting doubt creep into my mind. And so I’m trying to pray, to hear the voice of God … and I hope that with enough faith, things will finally feel right, and I will feel the joy and peace that God gives to those who trust him." (This is page 5, my dudes.)
"I’ve heard the verse “perfect love casteth out fear” a million times, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen it until I looked in this [queer] book. Acceptance, friendship, love; love that transcends time and boundaries and all reason, a life of living rather than hiding, of sharing rather than shunning." (Pg 24)
"I'm done with being told I'm being loved when it feels an awful lot like hate." (Pg 199)
I'm so close to asking if she'll still love me if I'm queer. But I mean love in the simple sense. Love that exists not as a rationalization for punishment, but a blooming feeling of acceptance and belonging. (Pg 222)
I grew up in a very conservative church of christ in a Tennessee small town. We were taught that women could not speak or have any sort of role in church services (aside from nursery duty, where the ladies are tucked away out of sight). Growing up a aro/ace kid that didn't realize those were things I could even be, I was terrified about my future that was only going to matter if I found a man to marry that shared my desires and dreams. Because I believed--I was told--that I could only make a difference in god's kingdom (which is the only point of life, of course) if I had a man leading the way that could speak for me. It made me both nauseous and terrified. I couldn't understand how I was supposed to serve god's kingdom if I wasn't even allowed to stand before a group of people to speak about Jesus.
Fast forward to now, and it's wild to revisit the deep mind games played by religious indoctrination. The depictions of emotional abuse (and allusions to physical child abuse), the tension and manipulation required to survive, the stress and fear of thought crimes--it all hit the mark dead center. This book also did a great job making both Valerie and Riley very real and understandable characters. Valeria was head over heels for Riley, but Riley wasn't perfect. They were both so gentle to each other every step of the way, and the tenderness melted my heart. Valerie had so much agency, and didn't let Riley (who knew a lot more about the world) teach her everything and just listen to her blindly. Val snuck onto the computers at the library and researched on her own, hunting down knowledge with her angry pen and grabbing it with both hands to swallow it hole. She was so strong and brave and a beautiful protagonist.
I feel like the best way to make my point is to just leave some of the best quotes, so have a gander and then go get the book. (Though do be gentle with yourself, especially if you're queer and have religious trauma. I had to take lots of breaks.)
"Even though it sometimes stings to hear I am not my own, that I belong to my dad and God and my future husband, that’s my own sinful nature, letting doubt creep into my mind. And so I’m trying to pray, to hear the voice of God … and I hope that with enough faith, things will finally feel right, and I will feel the joy and peace that God gives to those who trust him." (This is page 5, my dudes.)
"I’ve heard the verse “perfect love casteth out fear” a million times, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen it until I looked in this [queer] book. Acceptance, friendship, love; love that transcends time and boundaries and all reason, a life of living rather than hiding, of sharing rather than shunning." (Pg 24)
"I'm done with being told I'm being loved when it feels an awful lot like hate." (Pg 199)
I'm so close to asking if she'll still love me if I'm queer. But I mean love in the simple sense. Love that exists not as a rationalization for punishment, but a blooming feeling of acceptance and belonging. (Pg 222)
Content Warnings
Graphic: Child abuse, Emotional abuse, Homophobia, Sexism, and Religious bigotry
Minor: Physical abuse and Racism