A review by libbydmccarthy
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Elaine Mazlish, Adele Faber
5.0
Really great. Had a lot of similar things to "Between Parent and Child" and "Happiest Toddler on the block", but I think it was presented in a way that feels applicable to any age. A book worth owning to reference again later.
I want to take notes for myself to summarize the main points, but if you want to understand the "why's", and get the benefit of the many, many helpful examples of application, you'll have to read the book :D
*Helping deal with feelings* (this is a good chapter to actually read through the examples to get an idea of what they mean)
1. Listen with full attention
2. Acknowledge their stated feelings with a word- "Oh", "Mmmm", "I see" (Instead of questions or advice)
3. Give their feelings a name- You sound sad. That must feel disappointing. (Instead of denying the feeling, "oh, you'll be fine." or "you can't really be upset about that!")
4. Give them their wishes in fantasy- I wish I could give you all the treats you wanted. Wouldn't that be great if you only ate cake all day long?! (instead of "no. you can't have it" or long explanations)
*Strategies for Encouraging Cooperation*
(instead of blaming/accusing, name-calling, threatening, commanding, lecturing/moralizing, warning, martyrdom statements, sibling comparing, sarcasm or prophecy)
-Describe what you see or the problem (I see a wet towel on my bed.)
-Give information (That wet towel is going to get my bedding wet)
- Say it with ONE word (Towel!) - great when you tend to lecture (like me)
-Talk about your feelings (I really don't like sleeping in a wet bed. or I'm worried my bedding is getting wet right now)
- Write a note (Dear Child, I wish I were with my friends hanging up. Love, Your Towel)
- Humor
*Alternatives to Punishment*
-especially for young toddlers: "X is not for Y-ing. Z is for Y-ing"
-Point out a way to be helpful instead
-Express strong disapproval without attacking character
-State your expectations
-Show(tell) the child how to make amends
-Offer a choice between 2 acceptable situations you approve of (If they don't pick either one, let them know you will choose for them. Also, their actions can show you what they chose. Point it out to them)
-Take action
-Allow the child to experience the consequences of their misbehavior
Problem-Solving
1. State kid feelings/wants
2. State adult feelings/wants
3. Brainstorm and write down all possible solutions from all parties, without judgement
4. Cross of anything anyone has a problem with
5. Make a plan of how to fulfill the solution (who does what, by what day, etc.)
Note: no blaming or accusing allowed i.e. "that won't work because you always/never XX". "No accusations about the past. Right now we are trying to find a solution for the future"
-It's ok to revisit if a solution didn't end up working
-If they won't sit down to problem solve, try writing letters back and forth
-Don't ask "who did it?" Turn focus away from blame and to improvement. (can have everyone pitch in to solve the problem, when there's dispute about who did it)
*Encouraging Autonomy*
1. Let children make choices
2. Show respect for a childs' struggle ("it can be hard to tie laces")
3. Don't ask too many questions (Just show happiness to be around the child. Can try, "I'd love to hear about how XX went, when you feel ready to talk about it.")
4. Don't rush to answer questions, bounce them back and get their perspective
5. Encourage children to use sources outside the home.
6. Don't take away hope (don't crush their dreams.) Let them tell you about them.
7. Let them own their own body
8. Stay out of Minutiae of a Child's Life
9. Don't talk about a child in front of them, no matter the age. (Exception: give praise about something they did)
10. Let a child answer for themselves
11. Show respect for their eventual readiness, but let them know you expect they'll be ready eventually ("You'll go down the slide when you're ready.")
12. Avoid saying "no" by:
-Giving relevant information which will allow them to infer a "no". "Dinner will be ready in 5 minutes [so you can't go to your friends' house]"
-Accept feelings ("You love staying at the park. It's hard leaving when you are having a good time")
- Describe the Problem (Instead of "No we can't" say, "The problem is..." and tell them why)
- When possible, substitute yes. Maybe it's a no now, but not later? ("Yes, you may have a cookie, after you eat a healthy lunch")
- Give yourself time to think ("I'd like to think about that before I answer you")
13. Avoid giving advice. Instead:
-Help them sort out thoughts and feelings. "From what you're telling me, you seem to have 2 conflicting feelings:..."
-Restate the problem as a question. "So, you are wondering how you be at a party and deal with the girls who like to gossip?"
-Point out resources outside the home they could use
Only after these steps and they have had time to think about solutions can you offer your opinions/solution ideas. But only phrase ideas asking for their input, Ex. "How would you feel about this idea?" And offer your input as feelings ("If it were me, I would feel XX if I did Y"), not as "you should do X".
*Praise*
Note to self: look for more opportunities to praise
Instead of evaluating/labeling ("great job!" or "you're so smart!") focus on praising the behavior.
1. Describe what you see (I see a clean floor, smooth bead and organized books!)
2. Describe what you feel (I feel so good when I'm in a clean room!)
3. Sum up their good behavior with a word (Now that's what I call organization!)
"You did XXX. That really shows YYY"
-Avoid "I'm so proud of you". Keep it about them: "You must feel proud of yourself!"
- Avoid "I knew you could do it!" Describe why you knew, "That award represents all your hard work and dedication"
-For those afraid of failure:
-When upset, don't minimize their distress ("it can be frustrating to work so hard and not have it turn out just the way you planned")
-Point out the positive in the mistake - what was learned. ("you just found out what happens when X")
-Point out our own mistakes, what we learned from it/how we can avoid it again.
*Freeing Children from Playing Roles*
Note to self: take time to think about what labels I have given my children, or they have given themselves and brainstorm each step.
Positive labels can be just as harmful (puts on pressure to live up to) as negative ones
1. Look for new opportunities to show the child a new picture of themselves. (Catch them doing the opposite. Be creative)
2. Put children in situations where they can see themselves differently (Assign the "greedy child" to pass out treats to everyone)
3. Let children overhear you say something positive about what they did
4. Model the behavior ("man, I hate losing, but at least I had fun while I played the game! Good job!")
5. Be a storehouse for your child's special moments- Be ready to remind them of times when they showed they broke out of their negative roles
6. When they behave as the old label, state your feelings and expectations. (to the whiner, "That way of talking upsets me. Can you say it in a different way?")
I want to take notes for myself to summarize the main points, but if you want to understand the "why's", and get the benefit of the many, many helpful examples of application, you'll have to read the book :D
*Helping deal with feelings* (this is a good chapter to actually read through the examples to get an idea of what they mean)
1. Listen with full attention
2. Acknowledge their stated feelings with a word- "Oh", "Mmmm", "I see" (Instead of questions or advice)
3. Give their feelings a name- You sound sad. That must feel disappointing. (Instead of denying the feeling, "oh, you'll be fine." or "you can't really be upset about that!")
4. Give them their wishes in fantasy- I wish I could give you all the treats you wanted. Wouldn't that be great if you only ate cake all day long?! (instead of "no. you can't have it" or long explanations)
*Strategies for Encouraging Cooperation*
(instead of blaming/accusing, name-calling, threatening, commanding, lecturing/moralizing, warning, martyrdom statements, sibling comparing, sarcasm or prophecy)
-Describe what you see or the problem (I see a wet towel on my bed.)
-Give information (That wet towel is going to get my bedding wet)
- Say it with ONE word (Towel!) - great when you tend to lecture (like me)
-Talk about your feelings (I really don't like sleeping in a wet bed. or I'm worried my bedding is getting wet right now)
- Write a note (Dear Child, I wish I were with my friends hanging up. Love, Your Towel)
- Humor
*Alternatives to Punishment*
-especially for young toddlers: "X is not for Y-ing. Z is for Y-ing"
-Point out a way to be helpful instead
-Express strong disapproval without attacking character
-State your expectations
-Show(tell) the child how to make amends
-Offer a choice between 2 acceptable situations you approve of (If they don't pick either one, let them know you will choose for them. Also, their actions can show you what they chose. Point it out to them)
-Take action
-Allow the child to experience the consequences of their misbehavior
Problem-Solving
1. State kid feelings/wants
2. State adult feelings/wants
3. Brainstorm and write down all possible solutions from all parties, without judgement
4. Cross of anything anyone has a problem with
5. Make a plan of how to fulfill the solution (who does what, by what day, etc.)
Note: no blaming or accusing allowed i.e. "that won't work because you always/never XX". "No accusations about the past. Right now we are trying to find a solution for the future"
-It's ok to revisit if a solution didn't end up working
-If they won't sit down to problem solve, try writing letters back and forth
-Don't ask "who did it?" Turn focus away from blame and to improvement. (can have everyone pitch in to solve the problem, when there's dispute about who did it)
*Encouraging Autonomy*
1. Let children make choices
2. Show respect for a childs' struggle ("it can be hard to tie laces")
3. Don't ask too many questions (Just show happiness to be around the child. Can try, "I'd love to hear about how XX went, when you feel ready to talk about it.")
4. Don't rush to answer questions, bounce them back and get their perspective
5. Encourage children to use sources outside the home.
6. Don't take away hope (don't crush their dreams.) Let them tell you about them.
7. Let them own their own body
8. Stay out of Minutiae of a Child's Life
9. Don't talk about a child in front of them, no matter the age. (Exception: give praise about something they did)
10. Let a child answer for themselves
11. Show respect for their eventual readiness, but let them know you expect they'll be ready eventually ("You'll go down the slide when you're ready.")
12. Avoid saying "no" by:
-Giving relevant information which will allow them to infer a "no". "Dinner will be ready in 5 minutes [so you can't go to your friends' house]"
-Accept feelings ("You love staying at the park. It's hard leaving when you are having a good time")
- Describe the Problem (Instead of "No we can't" say, "The problem is..." and tell them why)
- When possible, substitute yes. Maybe it's a no now, but not later? ("Yes, you may have a cookie, after you eat a healthy lunch")
- Give yourself time to think ("I'd like to think about that before I answer you")
13. Avoid giving advice. Instead:
-Help them sort out thoughts and feelings. "From what you're telling me, you seem to have 2 conflicting feelings:..."
-Restate the problem as a question. "So, you are wondering how you be at a party and deal with the girls who like to gossip?"
-Point out resources outside the home they could use
Only after these steps and they have had time to think about solutions can you offer your opinions/solution ideas. But only phrase ideas asking for their input, Ex. "How would you feel about this idea?" And offer your input as feelings ("If it were me, I would feel XX if I did Y"), not as "you should do X".
*Praise*
Note to self: look for more opportunities to praise
Instead of evaluating/labeling ("great job!" or "you're so smart!") focus on praising the behavior.
1. Describe what you see (I see a clean floor, smooth bead and organized books!)
2. Describe what you feel (I feel so good when I'm in a clean room!)
3. Sum up their good behavior with a word (Now that's what I call organization!)
"You did XXX. That really shows YYY"
-Avoid "I'm so proud of you". Keep it about them: "You must feel proud of yourself!"
- Avoid "I knew you could do it!" Describe why you knew, "That award represents all your hard work and dedication"
-For those afraid of failure:
-When upset, don't minimize their distress ("it can be frustrating to work so hard and not have it turn out just the way you planned")
-Point out the positive in the mistake - what was learned. ("you just found out what happens when X")
-Point out our own mistakes, what we learned from it/how we can avoid it again.
*Freeing Children from Playing Roles*
Note to self: take time to think about what labels I have given my children, or they have given themselves and brainstorm each step.
Positive labels can be just as harmful (puts on pressure to live up to) as negative ones
1. Look for new opportunities to show the child a new picture of themselves. (Catch them doing the opposite. Be creative)
2. Put children in situations where they can see themselves differently (Assign the "greedy child" to pass out treats to everyone)
3. Let children overhear you say something positive about what they did
4. Model the behavior ("man, I hate losing, but at least I had fun while I played the game! Good job!")
5. Be a storehouse for your child's special moments- Be ready to remind them of times when they showed they broke out of their negative roles
6. When they behave as the old label, state your feelings and expectations. (to the whiner, "That way of talking upsets me. Can you say it in a different way?")