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A review by sararmn
Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins
5.0
Still, I hate them. But, of course, I hate almost everybody now. Myself more than anyone.
Peeta would have nothing to come home to, anyway. Except me.
"The tributes were necessary to the Games, too. Until they weren't," I say. "And then we were very disposable— right, Plutarch?"
"Fire is catching!" I am shouting now, determined that he will not miss a word. "And if we burn, you burn with us!"
"That I knew I'd misjudged you. That you do love him. I'm not saying in what way. Maybe you don't know yourself. But anyone paying attention could see how much you care about him," he says gently.
Several sets of arms would embrace me. But in the end, the only person I truly want to comfort me is Haymitch, because he loves Peeta, too. I reach out for him and say something like his name and he's there, holding me and patting my back. "It's okay. I'll be okay, sweetheart." He sits me on a length of broken marble pillar and keeps an arm around me while I sob.
For someone to make Peeta forget he loves me... no one could do that.
I look at my little sister and think how she has inherited the best qualities our family has to offer: my mother’s healing hands, my father's level head, and my fight. There's something else there as well, something entirely her own. An ability to look into the confusing mess of life and see things for what they are.
Not only does he hate me and want to kill me, he no longer believes I'm human. It was less painful being strangled.
It's only now that he's been corrupted that I can fully appreciate the real Peeta. Even more than I would've if he'd died. The kindness, the steadiness, the warmth that had an unexpected heat behind it.
I consider saying a final good-bye to Peeta, decide it would only be bad for both of us. But I do slip the pearl into the pocket of my uniform. A token of the boy with the bread.
Slowly, as I would with a wounded animal, my hand stretches out and brushes a wave of hair from his forehead. He freezes at my touch, but doesn't recoil. So I continue to gently smooth back his hair. It's the first time I have voluntarily touched him since the last arena.
“You're still trying to protect me. Real or not real," he whispers.
"Real," I answer. It seems to require more explanation.
"Because that's what you and I do. Protect each other."
I wrap my arms around his neck, feel his arms hesitate before they embrace me. Not as steady as they once were, but still warm and strong. A thousand moments surge through me. All the times these arms were my only refuge from the world. Perhaps not fully appreciated then, but so sweet in my memory, and now gone forever.
"We both know I'm not above killing children, but I'm not wasteful. I take life for very specific reasons."
"Oh, my dear Miss Everdeen. I thought we had agreed not to lie to each other."
"I went to the woods this morning and dug these up. For her," he says. "I thought we could plant them along the side of the house." I look at the bushes, the clods of dirt hanging from their roots, and catch my breath as the word rose registers. I'm about to yell vicious things at Peeta when the full name comes to me. Not plain rose but evening primrose. The flower my sister was named for.
But his arms are there to comfort me. And eventually his lips. On the night I feel that thing again, the hunger that overtook me on the beach, I know this would have happened anyway. That what I need to survive is not Gale's fire, kindled with rage and hatred. I have plenty of fire myself. What I need is the dandelion in the spring. The bright yellow that means rebirth instead of destruction. The promise that life can go on, no matter how bad our losses. That it can be good again. And only Peeta can give me that.
I'll tell them how I survive it. I'll tell them that on bad mornings, it feels impossible to take pleasure in anything because I'm afraid it could be taken away. That's when I make a list in my head of every act of goodness I've seen someone do. It's like a game. Repetitive. Even a little tedious after more than twenty years. But there are much worse games to play.
Peeta would have nothing to come home to, anyway. Except me.
"The tributes were necessary to the Games, too. Until they weren't," I say. "And then we were very disposable— right, Plutarch?"
"Fire is catching!" I am shouting now, determined that he will not miss a word. "And if we burn, you burn with us!"
"That I knew I'd misjudged you. That you do love him. I'm not saying in what way. Maybe you don't know yourself. But anyone paying attention could see how much you care about him," he says gently.
Several sets of arms would embrace me. But in the end, the only person I truly want to comfort me is Haymitch, because he loves Peeta, too. I reach out for him and say something like his name and he's there, holding me and patting my back. "It's okay. I'll be okay, sweetheart." He sits me on a length of broken marble pillar and keeps an arm around me while I sob.
For someone to make Peeta forget he loves me... no one could do that.
I look at my little sister and think how she has inherited the best qualities our family has to offer: my mother’s healing hands, my father's level head, and my fight. There's something else there as well, something entirely her own. An ability to look into the confusing mess of life and see things for what they are.
Not only does he hate me and want to kill me, he no longer believes I'm human. It was less painful being strangled.
It's only now that he's been corrupted that I can fully appreciate the real Peeta. Even more than I would've if he'd died. The kindness, the steadiness, the warmth that had an unexpected heat behind it.
I consider saying a final good-bye to Peeta, decide it would only be bad for both of us. But I do slip the pearl into the pocket of my uniform. A token of the boy with the bread.
Slowly, as I would with a wounded animal, my hand stretches out and brushes a wave of hair from his forehead. He freezes at my touch, but doesn't recoil. So I continue to gently smooth back his hair. It's the first time I have voluntarily touched him since the last arena.
“You're still trying to protect me. Real or not real," he whispers.
"Real," I answer. It seems to require more explanation.
"Because that's what you and I do. Protect each other."
I wrap my arms around his neck, feel his arms hesitate before they embrace me. Not as steady as they once were, but still warm and strong. A thousand moments surge through me. All the times these arms were my only refuge from the world. Perhaps not fully appreciated then, but so sweet in my memory, and now gone forever.
"We both know I'm not above killing children, but I'm not wasteful. I take life for very specific reasons."
"Oh, my dear Miss Everdeen. I thought we had agreed not to lie to each other."
"I went to the woods this morning and dug these up. For her," he says. "I thought we could plant them along the side of the house." I look at the bushes, the clods of dirt hanging from their roots, and catch my breath as the word rose registers. I'm about to yell vicious things at Peeta when the full name comes to me. Not plain rose but evening primrose. The flower my sister was named for.
But his arms are there to comfort me. And eventually his lips. On the night I feel that thing again, the hunger that overtook me on the beach, I know this would have happened anyway. That what I need to survive is not Gale's fire, kindled with rage and hatred. I have plenty of fire myself. What I need is the dandelion in the spring. The bright yellow that means rebirth instead of destruction. The promise that life can go on, no matter how bad our losses. That it can be good again. And only Peeta can give me that.
I'll tell them how I survive it. I'll tell them that on bad mornings, it feels impossible to take pleasure in anything because I'm afraid it could be taken away. That's when I make a list in my head of every act of goodness I've seen someone do. It's like a game. Repetitive. Even a little tedious after more than twenty years. But there are much worse games to play.