A review by sarahm96
The Long Game by Elena Armas

2.0

  • it’s probably not a good sign that my eyes almost got stuck in my head when I read that Armas writes “multidimensional men” 
    • Bitch please Aaron’s whole character was that he was tall. Wrong kind of dimensions 
  • Listen I support women’s wrongs but generally speaking assault isn’t great 
    • Although we don’t know the reason yet so I’m semi-prepared to take this back 
  • *miranda priestly voice* A 6’2” man? In a romance novel? Groundbreaking 
  • Cameron seems to not take any shit & I have a feeling Adalyn’s going to need that 
  • People who coach children are saints 
  • Okay adalyn has to be actively trying to be a pain in the ass at this point 
  • Willow & Pierogi are A+ cat names
    • I do have to admit that romance authors excel at naming pets & I begrudgingly include Elena Armas in that category 
  • Why Canada & America insist on using soccer instead of football will remain both a mystery & an irritation until the day I die 
  • Like okay fine the US can’t be like England or whatever but Canada loves  to lean on their Commonwealth status 
    • Anyways this is a long way of saying that I agree with Cameron’s eyeroll 
  • Elena we don’t use small dick jokes in 2024
    • It’s rude 
  • I actually like Cam a lot 
  • Part of me is tempted to go back & read It Happened One Summer to compare but also my whole body feels itchy at the thought of voluntarily subjecting myself to Tessa Bailey
  • This is definitely a “darling” (sarcastic) to “darling” (endearment) situation & I am in fact here for it 
  • I like how Cam’s name has turned into a Benedict Cumberbatch situation 
    • Honourable mention to Mr Camelback 
  • Adalyn is feisty & I know it’s because she’s protecting herself but her dad SUCKS 
  • PTA moms are their own fucking breed I swear 
    • I don’t think they’re as much of a thing up here? But I could be wrong
  • It is getting increasingly difficult to be on Adalyn’s side here… girly pop give it up 
  • “Not even a possibility” 
    • Famous last words my friend
  • Diane needs to get lost 
  • Imagine being told “you don’t pass the vibe check” by a fucking nine year old 
    • Lowkey reminds me of my teens at work because they can be equally devastating 
  • Does Adalyn have a praise kink 
  • “I’d never slept around” 
    • The misogyny is coming from inside the house, Elena 
  • Oh Cameron my guy you are in bad shape 
  • The phrasing “x’s lips bent upward” has been used several times so far & I find it to be incredibly awkward? What’s wrong with tilted or curved or bent or any of the other normal, existing options?
  • The variety of stores with the name Moe in them is hilarious 
  • I think we might have graduated to “darling” (endearment) 
  • This town needs fewer acronyms 
  • The irony of the spoiled girl who’s the daughter of a business tycoon & a model having “a sweet spot for hardworking people” is quite something 
  • Poor Brandy! 
    • Also, sidebar: that was a terrible way to end a chapter 
  • Coach Kisscam I am dead 
  • Banana Tonic is an excellent riff on Manila Blahnik 
  • There is something very entertaining about imagining a 6’2” soccer player teaching a woman how to throw pots 
  • Never a good sign when you’re getting turned on by a guy playing with clay 
  • Ahh so now we know why Adalyn snapped 
  • Listen these two really just need to fuck it out 
  • Why is Elena so bad at ending chapters????? I swear she’s trying make the endings terrible on purpose 
  • Cameron is actually the best & the worst I love him 
  • Oop found the daddy kink 
    • Spoiler alert it’s Cameron’s not Adalyn’s 
  • Didn’t have “ferrets as Cam & Adalyn stand-ins” on my bingo card but here we are 
  • I see we’ve graduated to “love” 
  • God I love when reserved people get high accidentally that shit is hilarious 
  • Adalyn stop castigating the man for living his damn life okay 
  • “You want to play, love? I’ll be your man then” 
    • DAMN 
    • These two need to stop eye fucking in front of children it is making me uncomfortable 
    • Maria is my favourite 
    • The more we see of Josie the more amped I am for her book 
      • I wanna know about the four ex fiances 
  • Why do words keep falling on this chick’s skin??!! That is not a thing & I don’t know why Elena insists on using such asinine phrasing 
    • Now I’m mad that i didn't keep track of all the times the words fell 
    • Alas
  • I stg if they bang for the first time against a truck I am going to lose my shit 
  • I’m also going to need Elena to explain what the fuck a “rocky voice” is because I got nothin’ 
  • Okay at this point Adalyn should know that Cameron won’t care about the video but it bothers me that she thinks he will because come on
  • I am glad that Cameron gets Adalyn though, she needs someone in her corner considering that her father is an absolute fuckwit 
  • Oh no forest banging is not a better alternative to banging against a truck fyi 
  • Ooooo are things about to get fucking intense (there’s a tent & yes that joke is always funny to me idc) 
    • Never mind it was time for soul baring not genitals baring 
    • Booooooo
  • Damn David & Andrew really did a number on this poor woman 
    • I might not be an Adalyn fan but jesus christ she did not deserve any of what David or her father did 
    • Imagine trading your daughter for marriage like I cannot fathom that 
  • There’s the praise kink 
  • Well at least Cameron has the good sense not to fuck in the woods 
  • Girly pop very few things are worse than being sixteen & we all know that 
  • Maricela is a time 
    • I’m here for it
    • I am once again here to tell you that Andrew Underwood is trash 
  • This macho protective streak is absolutely going to bite Cam in the ass somehow 
  • Oop found the daddy kink 
  • Why am I actively dreading this sex scene 
    • (the answer is I have been previously traumatized by Elena Armas’ sex scenes) 
  • Small children throwing their parents’ lessons back at them is probably one of my favourite things ever 
  • ELENA FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WE DON’T USE CLEAN IN 2023 COME ON WHY IS THIS SO HARD FOR ROMANCE AUTHORS 
    • Negative is perfectly acceptable 
    • People who have STIs are not inherently dirty how many fucking times 
  • So everything makes Cameron hard 
    • How original
  • Ahh it wasn’t the protective streak it was the secrecy 
    • Probably should have guessed that
  • Look I am always a proponent of letting people decide what they do & don’t want to hear but I do actually kind of get where Cameron was coming from in this case 
  • Sigh what a wreck 
  • Honestly Maria for president
  • Damn someone needs to take out Andrew Underwood because this man is a fucking monster 
  • Why is this woman’s phrasing/writing so terrible?? Who lets her write like this?? Where is her editor?? I HAVE QUESTIONS 
  • Lowkey a lil’ sad Cameron didn’t beat the shit out of David but I will absolutely settle for Adalyn punching him in the face & Kelly quitting after admitting to recording all the things 
    • I’m glad Kelly came through in the end 
  • Yes yes everyone is happy & in love & in therapy & down to fuxck each other’s brains out at any given second 
  • Huzzah or whatever 
  • That was interesting…? Honestly I’m pretty sure Armas’ writing style isn’t for me
    • & yes I know I have low standards but too bad