A review by ebonyutley
When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts & Minds of People in Two Relationships by Mira Kirshenbaum

5.0

When Good People Have Affairs answers a simple question; I’m having an affair, what should I do? Step by step Kirshenbaum walks the reader through how good people make bad decisions, how to choose a lover or a partner, how to break up, and how to heal. I’ve never read a book about this but it’s so incredibly useful because it does exactly what it promises it will do (unlike a person who had an affair, but that irony is the stuff of another type of post). She outlines 17 different types of affairs then tells you whether you should stay or go depending on the type of affair you’re having. She writes that if you haven’t had unprotected sex with your lover and if there’s no imminent chance that your spouse will find out that you shouldn’t confess to an affair. Do no harm is more important than tell the truth. She offers five characteristics of chemistry and tells you that you have to have all five (easy connections, fun, safety, mutual respect, and physical chemistry) to be happy in a relationship. She provides four characteristics to consider when you are comparing partners (who the people are in themselves, what your relationship is with each one, what your lifestyle would be for each, who you are with each) reminding the reader to compare apples to apples to make a proper comparison. There’s a table where you tally scores and if none of that works, there’s a section on how to determine what is closest to your heart and how to follow it. She addresses how to deal with your children when there’s a divorce because of an affair in a very honest and sensitive way. Actually, Kirshenbaum’s advice on how to choose between two people is great advice for a person choosing just one person. Her work on how to heal can apply to romantic, familial, and friendship relationships. In addition to all the practical information here, I like her. She’s witty. Her metaphors are really funny and she’s honest. She writes the book like a journey, lots of “come with me”, “you’ll soon see,” and “check it out.” She helped me trust her enough to follow her. I concluded that she’s a very wise woman in life in general in addition to having had the myriad patients that comprise the book’s example narratives. A good person having an affair should feel confident in the fact that she has the qualifications to help you make what may be the most difficult decision you’ve faced this far in life—choosing between a partner and a lover.