Scan barcode
A review by allioth
Fangirl Down by Tessa Bailey
- Strong character development? No
- Loveable characters? No
1.0
I picked this book hoping to read something bad, and it seriously didn't disappoint.
I'm going to divide this by points because if I don't, I know I'll end up with more gray hairs than a wolf.
★ The plot
If I had to summarize it in one sentence, it would be the infamous AO3 tag:
Plot? What plot?
All the things that happen in this book are just a cheap excuse for the protagonists to have sex and/or thirst for each other.
THE """""MAIN""""" THEME IN THIS BOOK, GOLF, IS ALMOST NON-EXISTENT
They tell you how much Wells has improved or how Josephine is soooo good at reading the course, but you can never actually see that because oops, we don't have time for that! (But the book certainly has time for talking about Wells' ass, lmao.)
The Masters, the most important competition in Wells' career, is given one, ONE, chapter that is mainly used to talk about how the two protagonists love each other so much and can't stand to live apart (they've actually been talking for less than a month).
I literally laughed out loud when I read in the acknowledgments how Tessa thanked her husband for his golf insight, the insight in question being visible nowhere in the book. It almost makes me think that the author wrote an entirely different book yet-to-be-published with only the golf stuff, and all that was left for Fangirl Down was the cringey sex scenes and the abhorrent dialogue.
And you'll say after reading this...
"But Allioth, that surely must mean that the book is just more character-focused...."
And to that, I answer:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
★ The characters (secondary)
Uuuuh.... Josephine’s parents are nice...?
Lizard boy (Ricky) is okay???
Calhoun and Wells' mentor (Buck Lee) are there too, I suppose.
And Tallulah and Burgess (the worst name I've ever heard, by the way) just exist to set up the sequel that I hope I never have to hear about again.
The best character of this bunch, and in general, is Wells' manager. He only appears for like three scenes and still manages to be funnier than the protagonists by a wide margin. So here are some quotes because this is the only part of the book worth reading:
I'm going to divide this by points because if I don't, I know I'll end up with more gray hairs than a wolf.
★ The plot
If I had to summarize it in one sentence, it would be the infamous AO3 tag:
Plot? What plot?
All the things that happen in this book are just a cheap excuse for the protagonists to have sex and/or thirst for each other.
THE """""MAIN""""" THEME IN THIS BOOK, GOLF, IS ALMOST NON-EXISTENT
They tell you how much Wells has improved or how Josephine is soooo good at reading the course, but you can never actually see that because oops, we don't have time for that! (But the book certainly has time for talking about Wells' ass, lmao.)
The Masters, the most important competition in Wells' career, is given one, ONE, chapter that is mainly used to talk about how the two protagonists love each other so much and can't stand to live apart (they've actually been talking for less than a month).
I literally laughed out loud when I read in the acknowledgments how Tessa thanked her husband for his golf insight, the insight in question being visible nowhere in the book. It almost makes me think that the author wrote an entirely different book yet-to-be-published with only the golf stuff, and all that was left for Fangirl Down was the cringey sex scenes and the abhorrent dialogue.
And you'll say after reading this...
"But Allioth, that surely must mean that the book is just more character-focused...."
And to that, I answer:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
★ The characters (secondary)
Uuuuh.... Josephine’s parents are nice...?
Lizard boy (Ricky) is okay???
Calhoun and Wells' mentor (Buck Lee) are there too, I suppose.
And Tallulah and Burgess (the worst name I've ever heard, by the way) just exist to set up the sequel that I hope I never have to hear about again.
The best character of this bunch, and in general, is Wells' manager. He only appears for like three scenes and still manages to be funnier than the protagonists by a wide margin. So here are some quotes because this is the only part of the book worth reading:
"Listen, remember that contest? People entered to have lunch and a putting lesson with me.”
“The contest only eighty-one people entered?”
Wells winced. “I’m not sure it was necessary to give me that number.”"
""The most magical of all opportunities, Wells.” The manager dropped his voice to a reverent whisper. “Sponsorships. Two of them.”
“Whatever.”
“How does Mercedes sound?”
“Pass. Next.”
Nate fake cried on the other end."
""God, he wanted that so bad for Josephine. She’d be able to rebuild the shop, afford better health insurance, take care of her parents. Five figures would mean a lot to her, though, too. A hell of a lot. “Done.”
“I thought you might say that. They’ve already sent over a selection of shirts and hats for both of you to choose from. I’ve taken the liberty of having them arranged in a conference room downstairs.”
“You’re a smug motherfucker, Nate.”
“We’re back, baby!”
Wells hung up."
""You’re on that flight, right? Ack. Wells and Calhoun exchanged words during a practice round. A lot of C-words being thrown around and none of them were my favorite C-word—condo, followed closely by capital gains.""
(not) Fun fact: Wells' ass gets mentioned more times than any of the characters I just talked about :)
★ The characters (protagonists)
Josephine: Starting with the one I hate the least out of the two, maybe because in a competition against a rock, the rock has a thousand times more personality than her. The book tries to teach an (actually valuable) lesson about how you shouldn't reduce someone to just their disability, and while I agree, this statement is immediately overpowered by every dam thing Josephine says in this book.
The problems with her parents?It's the diabetes.
Her money problem? It's the diabetes.
Her constant refusal for help? It's the diabetes.
The reason for nearly every conflict she has in this book?It's a consequence of her decis... Nah, I'm joking, it's the diabetes.
The only reason she stays with Wells is because he did something nice ONCE, but that's enough for Ms. No Standards, who decides to abandon her family store in order to manage her man-child boyfriend.
Maybe if the story focused more on her struggles as a female caddie in an obviously male-dominated sport, it would've been better (aka instantly repellant for our dear Tessa Bailey). I wish I could say more about her, but that's how boring she is. The only silver lining is that she's nowhere near as infuriating as Wells.
Wells: Ah, the bad boy golfer himself. He's an ass to absolutely everyone and still demands pure and complete loyalty.
To give an idea of how much I hated this man, the text could've said:
"Wells blinked"
And the first thought in my mind would right away be:
"I hate this dude so much."
He has NO friends, NO hobbies, NO family, and almost NO job, but somehow I'm still supposed to find him appealing??? This cannot even be compensated with his personality, because the only thing he does is swear and be horny. Every single "sweet" moment he has is just because the thing he did before that was atrociously evil-natured/possessive.
Some examples include:
▪︎ Getting mad at Josephine for hanging out with someone.
▪︎ Getting mad at Josephine because she stopped being his fan after he treated her like ass.
▪︎ Picking fights the moment Josephine isn't there, like he's some kind of wild animal that thinks with his penis instead of his brain.
And at the end of the book, they try to gaslight you into thinking that he actually changed, even though he still treats everyone around him like garbage until three lines ago.
"Holy shit, had he been the asshole all along?
Had he made an enemy, lost a mentor, and alienated a legion of pros . . . with the chip on his shoulder? One honest, vulnerable exchange and he had people at his back. Consoling him, even if they didn’t agree with what he’d done to Josephine. Even if he didn’t deserve it."
Yeah, no shit, Sherlock.
★ The romance (if you can even call it that)
One word:
non-existent.
For some reason, I'm supposed to believe that the interactions the two main characters have are actually meaningful and cute and not a bunch of basic half-cooked advice taken from a self-help book/horniness/fights.
But she's the one, guys, so it's totally fine if the relationship is stripped of any actual development or chemistry and instead replaced with a possessive and codependent man who can't live without a woman fixing every mistake he makes!
And don't even get me started on how in order for Wells to listen and actually PERFORM WELL, Josephine gives him, to put it simply, sexual favors.
I'm not going to dwell on this any longer, or my veins will pop out.
In conclusion, trash won't even begin to describe this book, and unpleasant will be a pitiful understatement of my experience reading this collection of words that dares to call itself a novel.