kwesch's review
5.0
This book is the perfect antidote to helicopter parenting methods of the day. Just say no. Wonderful advice for raising independent and confident children who aren’t afraid to fail.
writerethink's review
4.0
I really liked this book, and I think she does a really good job of supporting her argument about autonomy-supportive parenting. But I found myself wondering how to apply these insights to parenting my neurodivergent child; that's not a critique of Lahey's book, because that's clearly not the audience she's targeting, but I often find myself wondering about how best to support autonomy in a kid who's got serious deficits in executive function and has explosive meltdowns when things go wrong, etc. How do you support learning from mistakes when the child in question lacks the impulse control to actually apply, in the moment, what they've learned from those previous mistakes? Some of the scenarios of "low-stakes" failure (e.g. forgetting homework) that Lahey described would look very, very different in our house, and I'm just not sure whether self-loathing, self-destructive meltdowns do anything to help a child become more autonomous. But I'll keep thinking about how to the best autonomy-supportive parent I can be for my particular child.
vladco's review
4.0
Great advice on how to give kids the freedom to flourish. I was already mostly there, but there are some specific tips and tactics I picked up. It’s good.
sandreasen's review against another edition
4.0
A little long, but I totally endorse the advice given. Yay for autonomy-encouraging parenthood!
adrianwelsh's review against another edition
3.0
This is an interesting “self-help” parenting book on why it is important for kids to “fail” at stuff rather than just protect the kid against failing. Basically, tough love and responsibility come with failing – at least, that’s the idea. Just like with all other self-help books, it may be better to read this versus listen to it. It would have been nice to have a little recap at the end of each chapter.
The reason why this took over a year to read is because I like to take notes so I can try and retain what I listened to. I’ll put them in a spoiler tag to make it less messy.
Attachment parenting has got us into a mess and now more kids than ever are living at home after college.
It is ok if our kids fail. We should focus on the love of learning instead of the pressure of getting good grades. Studies show that kids that are allowed to fail succeed more in life.
Let their lives be a little bit harder today so they can face hardship tomorrow.
The less we push our kids towards educational success, the more they will learn.
Rewards are bad.
Kids have a natural curiosity to want to figure things out. This goes away with rewards.
Let kids make their own rules but of course, impose some limits.
Intermittent rewards help.
Make kids set their own goals and try to reach them. This way they can ‘own’ them.
Let kids have the autonomy to become competent and make their own choices.
Let kids mess up and ‘fail’. It will be super hard but it’s important for kids to learn this lesson.
Making the switch from controlled parenting to giving the kids autonomy needs to be a gentle one. Let them start owning chores (dishes, laundry, etc.). It may not be done right the first few times, but they will learn, and the rewards will follow.
In places like Japan, kids are not separated in gifted-and-talented classes versus lower functioning classes. They are all in it together. They emphasize a culture in which they want everyone to feel like they can do what they want to do. Let the kids have more autonomy to try and fail versus never try at all.
It helps for kids to see parents go through failure. Try and do something you cannot do and see what happens. Have kids see their parents go through failure and have them watch you try and try again. It helps them.
Make sure your child knows that their failure does not mean less love – it may mean more love. Let your kids feel disappointed by failure – sit patiently while the kid goes through the failure. Do not offer to rescue your child through the consequences of their mistakes. Help the child problem solve while going through the motions.
Part 2
Don’t swoop in and fix your kids’ mistakes. Let them figure it out on their own. Expunge the word ‘chores’ and use the words ‘family contributions. Set clear expectations and hold your kids accountable when they do not reach or meet these expectations. Don’t use bribes or money while the kids contribute to these chores or tasks – explain to them that it is part of being in the family and their contribution is part of the family.
Let kids fail at sports in this society of participation trophies. Long car rides can be a good place to have a good chat. However, lots of kids dread the car ride with parents due to their complaining and berating of the game (players, coaches, officials, etc.). Kids more prefer grandparents – so act like a grandparent. Be the parent, not the coach. Difference between failing and quitting (is there a difference?). the perfect sports parent doesn’t yell from the sidelines. They encourage and chat with the child afterwards.
Middle school is a setup for failure, so embrace it. At the end of the journey, kids will know how to succeed because of the failure. Make a visible calendar for kids to see for appointments and such (or have kids make their own calendars). Also, have kids make their own chore lists – it will make them more inclined to do the chores. Having alarm clocks and timers are critical too – especially timers that they can see how much time is left.
If your kids are still not “failing” on their own by high school, this book has a whole chapter on what to do – it is even broken down for each grade (and beyond to college).
She thinks dogs are dumb.
Part 3
Notes for a successful classroom and school session: Go into the classroom (as a parent to the teacher) with trust. Be on time (meaning be early). Read the school’s attendance policy and follow it. Be friendly and polite. Project an attitude of respect for education. Model enthusiasm for learning. Make sure your first communication with a teacher is positive. Invite teacher feedback. Wait a day to contact the teacher about an ‘emergency’. Let teachers know about big events unfolding at home. Express interest in what’s being taught. Find opportunities to express gratitude to the teacher. Begin with assuming you have a common interest – the student. Protect your child’s right to fail. Give your child a voice – let them advocate for themselves. Truth often lies between two perceptions – hear both sides. Talk to the teacher about concerns, instead of going over their head. The best time for a parent-teacher meeting is a scheduled meeting – teachers need time to mentally prepare. Read the school’s handbook.
Homework. It’s ok for the kid to fail at homework. If you’re at zero hour and the science fair project is not done, then it doesn’t get done. If you feel like the kid is getting too much homework, you can consult the national PTA on this. If something normally takes 90 minutes, try the timer cure or giving the kid 45 minutes for that task. Here are some steps for making homework successful. Stay fueled and hydrated. Get rid of distractions. Organize and strategize. Understand expectations. Do the hardest work first. Complete what can be completed. Evaluate the end product and aim for learning – not just ‘getting it done’.
Focus on learning instead of grades. Work on goals and don’t be that parent that focusses too much on grades – kids don’t like that. Look for feedback instead of scores. Let kids choose their own classes when they’re able to.
Audiobook narrator [a:Jessica Lahey|7383724|Jessica Lahey|https://images.gr-assets.com/authors/1410647084p2/7383724.jpg] rating: 2.5 stars
It’s a self-help non-fiction book. There isn’t much to it. But she did say that dogs were dumb…. Just noting that here…
The reason why this took over a year to read is because I like to take notes so I can try and retain what I listened to. I’ll put them in a spoiler tag to make it less messy.
Spoiler
Pressure parenting has got to go. It’s too much work for the parent and not enough work for the kid.Attachment parenting has got us into a mess and now more kids than ever are living at home after college.
It is ok if our kids fail. We should focus on the love of learning instead of the pressure of getting good grades. Studies show that kids that are allowed to fail succeed more in life.
Let their lives be a little bit harder today so they can face hardship tomorrow.
The less we push our kids towards educational success, the more they will learn.
Rewards are bad.
Kids have a natural curiosity to want to figure things out. This goes away with rewards.
Let kids make their own rules but of course, impose some limits.
Intermittent rewards help.
Make kids set their own goals and try to reach them. This way they can ‘own’ them.
Let kids have the autonomy to become competent and make their own choices.
Let kids mess up and ‘fail’. It will be super hard but it’s important for kids to learn this lesson.
Making the switch from controlled parenting to giving the kids autonomy needs to be a gentle one. Let them start owning chores (dishes, laundry, etc.). It may not be done right the first few times, but they will learn, and the rewards will follow.
In places like Japan, kids are not separated in gifted-and-talented classes versus lower functioning classes. They are all in it together. They emphasize a culture in which they want everyone to feel like they can do what they want to do. Let the kids have more autonomy to try and fail versus never try at all.
It helps for kids to see parents go through failure. Try and do something you cannot do and see what happens. Have kids see their parents go through failure and have them watch you try and try again. It helps them.
Make sure your child knows that their failure does not mean less love – it may mean more love. Let your kids feel disappointed by failure – sit patiently while the kid goes through the failure. Do not offer to rescue your child through the consequences of their mistakes. Help the child problem solve while going through the motions.
Part 2
Don’t swoop in and fix your kids’ mistakes. Let them figure it out on their own. Expunge the word ‘chores’ and use the words ‘family contributions. Set clear expectations and hold your kids accountable when they do not reach or meet these expectations. Don’t use bribes or money while the kids contribute to these chores or tasks – explain to them that it is part of being in the family and their contribution is part of the family.
Let kids fail at sports in this society of participation trophies. Long car rides can be a good place to have a good chat. However, lots of kids dread the car ride with parents due to their complaining and berating of the game (players, coaches, officials, etc.). Kids more prefer grandparents – so act like a grandparent. Be the parent, not the coach. Difference between failing and quitting (is there a difference?). the perfect sports parent doesn’t yell from the sidelines. They encourage and chat with the child afterwards.
Middle school is a setup for failure, so embrace it. At the end of the journey, kids will know how to succeed because of the failure. Make a visible calendar for kids to see for appointments and such (or have kids make their own calendars). Also, have kids make their own chore lists – it will make them more inclined to do the chores. Having alarm clocks and timers are critical too – especially timers that they can see how much time is left.
If your kids are still not “failing” on their own by high school, this book has a whole chapter on what to do – it is even broken down for each grade (and beyond to college).
She thinks dogs are dumb.
Part 3
Notes for a successful classroom and school session: Go into the classroom (as a parent to the teacher) with trust. Be on time (meaning be early). Read the school’s attendance policy and follow it. Be friendly and polite. Project an attitude of respect for education. Model enthusiasm for learning. Make sure your first communication with a teacher is positive. Invite teacher feedback. Wait a day to contact the teacher about an ‘emergency’. Let teachers know about big events unfolding at home. Express interest in what’s being taught. Find opportunities to express gratitude to the teacher. Begin with assuming you have a common interest – the student. Protect your child’s right to fail. Give your child a voice – let them advocate for themselves. Truth often lies between two perceptions – hear both sides. Talk to the teacher about concerns, instead of going over their head. The best time for a parent-teacher meeting is a scheduled meeting – teachers need time to mentally prepare. Read the school’s handbook.
Homework. It’s ok for the kid to fail at homework. If you’re at zero hour and the science fair project is not done, then it doesn’t get done. If you feel like the kid is getting too much homework, you can consult the national PTA on this. If something normally takes 90 minutes, try the timer cure or giving the kid 45 minutes for that task. Here are some steps for making homework successful. Stay fueled and hydrated. Get rid of distractions. Organize and strategize. Understand expectations. Do the hardest work first. Complete what can be completed. Evaluate the end product and aim for learning – not just ‘getting it done’.
Focus on learning instead of grades. Work on goals and don’t be that parent that focusses too much on grades – kids don’t like that. Look for feedback instead of scores. Let kids choose their own classes when they’re able to.
Audiobook narrator [a:Jessica Lahey|7383724|Jessica Lahey|https://images.gr-assets.com/authors/1410647084p2/7383724.jpg] rating: 2.5 stars
It’s a self-help non-fiction book. There isn’t much to it. But she did say that dogs were dumb…. Just noting that here…
pattymac's review against another edition
4.0
I waffled back and forth on this rating a great deal. Definitely worth a read (or maybe better yet a listen via audio - if you tend to want to skim or get the gist), but I might warn that the info or advice might seem a tad redundant sometimes, or drift into the realm of "here's how parents can / should better interact with teachers".
This is still good stuff undoubtedly, and comes from the authors experience, which I appreciate and admire, but I often found myself wishing I could know when we would finish another "... and your children's teacher(s)..." missive, and get back to more focused input on parent and child.
I appreciated greatly the authors reference to other resources, from Dweck to Erickson to interviews and experience with teachers and parents, as well as her own experience, but I just felt maybe that this could have been tightened a bit, and maybe a second book dedicated to "managing your child's village" the teachers and caregivers and related's in a way to support the central theme of helping kids develop autonomy.
This is still good stuff undoubtedly, and comes from the authors experience, which I appreciate and admire, but I often found myself wishing I could know when we would finish another "... and your children's teacher(s)..." missive, and get back to more focused input on parent and child.
I appreciated greatly the authors reference to other resources, from Dweck to Erickson to interviews and experience with teachers and parents, as well as her own experience, but I just felt maybe that this could have been tightened a bit, and maybe a second book dedicated to "managing your child's village" the teachers and caregivers and related's in a way to support the central theme of helping kids develop autonomy.
everydayreading's review against another edition
4.0
It took me forever to finally read this, but once I started, I couldn't stop talking about this. Seriously a great parenting book.