Reviews
South of Forgiveness: A True Story of Rape and Responsibility, by Thordis Elva, Tom Stranger
mrmichaela's review against another edition
emotional
hopeful
informative
inspiring
relaxing
fast-paced
5.0
scribepub's review against another edition
South of Forgiveness reads like group therapy: deep pain is unearthed and examined like a jewel beneath a light. Crucially, Elva has the humility to claim she has the same capacity for darkness as Stranger, yet the privilege and power he is afforded as a man means he is more inclined to commit violence … By owning the label ‘‘rapist’’ and exploring his motivations, Stranger allows the mythical perpetrator to be demystified. The monstrous shadow is given meek human form, allowing men’s actions, not women’s, to be interrogated. And through her informed analysis of gender inequality, Elva reveals the social mechanisms that create male sexual entitlement.
Lou Heinrich, Weekend Australian
What saves South of Forgiveness from being a book-length rehashing of old hurts interspersed with worthy sentiments about forgiveness, is the blossoming of Elva and Stranger’s personal quest into something larger. As they pick apart the whys of Stranger’s actions (while never for a moment excusing them), they have some important insights about the way our culture can lead young men to feel a dangerous sense of entitlement over women’s bodies … Some will find the idea of a rapist educating people about rape absurd and offensive … But the same things that make [Tom's] venture fraught might make it actually work … [A] genuine, wholehearted attempt to change the conversation around rape.
Emily Maguire, Sydney Morning Herald
An incredible achievement. Everyone could benefit from reading this book. I’m certainly richer as a result of having done so. Absolutely recommended.
Arni Arnason, UK rock band The Vaccines
Thordis and Tom take daring steps into the minefield of the most fragile issues of our times. By confronting the stigma of victim and perpetrator they give us valuable insight into the darker corners of our existence.
Andri Snaer Magnason, Author and Icelandic Presidential Candidate
A profoundly moving, open chested, and critical book. An exploration into sexual violence and self-knowledge that can only shine a healing light into the shrouded corners of our universal humanity. There is a disarming power in these pages that has the potential to change our language, shift our divisions, and invite us to be brave in discussing this pressing, global issue.
Pat Mitchell, Chair of the Sundance Institute and Women’s Media Center
Every man, woman and couple should read this book. And the woman and man that wrote it ought to be garlanded with medals. It’s an unprecedented achievement.
Sandi Toksvig
Written with sensitivity, courage and compassion, this book is a shared, outer and inner journey of recovery. In this intimate account of that journey, the story draws attention to one of the most overlooked perspectives regarding the act and meaning of rape: the shame of rape, harboured by the victim, belongs in fact to the perpetrator. Without any leanings toward self-indulgence, it is a deeply honest exploration of the dynamics of forgiveness and personal transformation. I felt as if I was with them (and their loved ones) on their journey. I will remember it and recommend it for a long time to come.
Dr Ian McCallum
Extraordinarily moving … Hats off to Elva and Stranger for a brave journey that might well change lives.
Christina Patterson, The Sunday Times
Both Elva and Stranger have been brave enough to publicly expose their separate vulnerabilities, in order to contribute to an important debate about sexual violence.
The Irish TImes
Elva and Stranger’s story … [is] as compelling and uncomfortable as it is complex. The resulting book, South of Forgiveness, is one the reader will barely be able to wrench themselves from.
Sunday Business Post Dublin
Very brave.
Catholic Herald
Lou Heinrich, Weekend Australian
What saves South of Forgiveness from being a book-length rehashing of old hurts interspersed with worthy sentiments about forgiveness, is the blossoming of Elva and Stranger’s personal quest into something larger. As they pick apart the whys of Stranger’s actions (while never for a moment excusing them), they have some important insights about the way our culture can lead young men to feel a dangerous sense of entitlement over women’s bodies … Some will find the idea of a rapist educating people about rape absurd and offensive … But the same things that make [Tom's] venture fraught might make it actually work … [A] genuine, wholehearted attempt to change the conversation around rape.
Emily Maguire, Sydney Morning Herald
An incredible achievement. Everyone could benefit from reading this book. I’m certainly richer as a result of having done so. Absolutely recommended.
Arni Arnason, UK rock band The Vaccines
Thordis and Tom take daring steps into the minefield of the most fragile issues of our times. By confronting the stigma of victim and perpetrator they give us valuable insight into the darker corners of our existence.
Andri Snaer Magnason, Author and Icelandic Presidential Candidate
A profoundly moving, open chested, and critical book. An exploration into sexual violence and self-knowledge that can only shine a healing light into the shrouded corners of our universal humanity. There is a disarming power in these pages that has the potential to change our language, shift our divisions, and invite us to be brave in discussing this pressing, global issue.
Pat Mitchell, Chair of the Sundance Institute and Women’s Media Center
Every man, woman and couple should read this book. And the woman and man that wrote it ought to be garlanded with medals. It’s an unprecedented achievement.
Sandi Toksvig
Written with sensitivity, courage and compassion, this book is a shared, outer and inner journey of recovery. In this intimate account of that journey, the story draws attention to one of the most overlooked perspectives regarding the act and meaning of rape: the shame of rape, harboured by the victim, belongs in fact to the perpetrator. Without any leanings toward self-indulgence, it is a deeply honest exploration of the dynamics of forgiveness and personal transformation. I felt as if I was with them (and their loved ones) on their journey. I will remember it and recommend it for a long time to come.
Dr Ian McCallum
Extraordinarily moving … Hats off to Elva and Stranger for a brave journey that might well change lives.
Christina Patterson, The Sunday Times
Both Elva and Stranger have been brave enough to publicly expose their separate vulnerabilities, in order to contribute to an important debate about sexual violence.
The Irish TImes
Elva and Stranger’s story … [is] as compelling and uncomfortable as it is complex. The resulting book, South of Forgiveness, is one the reader will barely be able to wrench themselves from.
Sunday Business Post Dublin
Very brave.
Catholic Herald
teejayfem's review against another edition
5.0
An amazing book that shows the power of forgiving, growing, and maturing. It has very poignant examples of how to have a conversation that leads to understanding and growth. It touches on the patriarchy, entitlement, rape culture, forgiveness both of yourself and others. It's an amazing read that I highly recommend.
kez91's review against another edition
4.0
4.5* I don't really know how to review this one. I think it's an important memoir and even though it covers some dark topics, it doesn't get overwhelmingly dark. Thordis and Tom's journey of reconciliation and forgiveness is admirable and something I think many people would struggle with. I found it fascinating how far Thordis had come in the years since the rape in terms of mental health, perspective, and her desire to find forgiveness. I think Tom still had a way to go in forgiving himself, and although his voice made up less of the memoir, it was hard to read at times as he struggled with guilt and self loathing. I didn't think South of Forgiveness was written especially well, and I didn't like that as a memoir it was written in present tense as that made it a bit melodramatic for me, but overall I really enjoyed it (as much as someone can enjoy a book discussing rape, and rape culture, and apartheid etc) and found it a very powerful story.
tintededges's review against another edition
3.0
Check out my full review at https://tintededges.wordpress.com/2017/03/29/south-of-forgiveness/
ronurism's review against another edition
4.0
I am so happy to be reading this book during April since it is Sexual Assault Awareness month. There is a lot of controversy surrounding the authors, especially Tom Stranger, who is being attacked by sexual assault survivors and related activists for his horrendous actions (rape) nearly 25 years ago. Thousands of signatures were received to remove his TED Talk from YouTube.
I have someone very close to me who was sexually assaulted and raped. People who are sexually assaulted would really not want to have conversations about it, since its both difficult and painful. This book does exactly that, and it is the very reason I feel that this book is a required reading for everyone who is interested in understanding sexual assault or rape.
I liked the way the authors recalled the events that lead to rape and those that followed. They dissected every part of it, which was according to me, the best part of the book. If you had already watched the YouTube video, that's fine, but if you haven't, I would recommend you not to see the video. I would have wanted to learn their stories first, without identifying them with their faces. I kinda judged them a lot while reading, until I reached the confrontation part of it. It was a gut-wrenching experience, just to read those pages.
Yes, some parts are repetitive, but overall, it's a great book nonetheless.
There is so much wisdom in this book and I have collected some of them below:
* Its outrageous to claim that there's a 'correct reaction' to being raped and that includes 'fighting back with vigor'. Fighting back can even prove to be deadly, if it prompts the perpetrator to apply more force to violence. Some survivors freeze, others dissociate in order to survive the attack.
* Most rapes don't take place in the circumstances we're taught to avoid. Most of them take place in the privacy of our homes, and are carried out by people we're supposed to trust - relatives, spouses, friends.
* I can't tell you how sick I am of the notion that sex turns girls into sluts and boys into men.
* I also believe that if people settle into the idea that they're beyond salvation, it hinders them from doing constructive things with their lives.
* There's a fine line between laughter and tears. When the heart is open wide, they can even merge into one and the same thing.
* Fear, almost without exception, shrinks when you've put it into words. Now we poke fun at it and go on with our lives.
* Violence isn't bred in a vacuum. It has societal causes and consequences that might be part of our conversation. Silencing is part of the problem.
* To show the world that people who've been both ends of this scale, whether they're receivers or perpetrators of sexual violence, aren't soulless monsters or damaged goods. They're people; imperfect, fallible, unmistakably human beings like you and me with all kinds of thoughts, jobs, backgrounds, life-styles, and beliefs.
* I think the idea of fate undermines the power of choice and agency. And rids people of responsibility for their actions.
* 'Do you know that people who act out sexually are more likely to have been abused or raped?'
* Having grown up in a middle class family, I feel decidedly out of place in privileged neighborhoods with their private pools and uniformed personnel.
*That's what rape is about, it's about power and control.
I have someone very close to me who was sexually assaulted and raped. People who are sexually assaulted would really not want to have conversations about it, since its both difficult and painful. This book does exactly that, and it is the very reason I feel that this book is a required reading for everyone who is interested in understanding sexual assault or rape.
I liked the way the authors recalled the events that lead to rape and those that followed. They dissected every part of it, which was according to me, the best part of the book. If you had already watched the YouTube video, that's fine, but if you haven't, I would recommend you not to see the video. I would have wanted to learn their stories first, without identifying them with their faces. I kinda judged them a lot while reading, until I reached the confrontation part of it. It was a gut-wrenching experience, just to read those pages.
Yes, some parts are repetitive, but overall, it's a great book nonetheless.
There is so much wisdom in this book and I have collected some of them below:
* Its outrageous to claim that there's a 'correct reaction' to being raped and that includes 'fighting back with vigor'. Fighting back can even prove to be deadly, if it prompts the perpetrator to apply more force to violence. Some survivors freeze, others dissociate in order to survive the attack.
* Most rapes don't take place in the circumstances we're taught to avoid. Most of them take place in the privacy of our homes, and are carried out by people we're supposed to trust - relatives, spouses, friends.
* I can't tell you how sick I am of the notion that sex turns girls into sluts and boys into men.
* I also believe that if people settle into the idea that they're beyond salvation, it hinders them from doing constructive things with their lives.
* There's a fine line between laughter and tears. When the heart is open wide, they can even merge into one and the same thing.
* Fear, almost without exception, shrinks when you've put it into words. Now we poke fun at it and go on with our lives.
* Violence isn't bred in a vacuum. It has societal causes and consequences that might be part of our conversation. Silencing is part of the problem.
* To show the world that people who've been both ends of this scale, whether they're receivers or perpetrators of sexual violence, aren't soulless monsters or damaged goods. They're people; imperfect, fallible, unmistakably human beings like you and me with all kinds of thoughts, jobs, backgrounds, life-styles, and beliefs.
* I think the idea of fate undermines the power of choice and agency. And rids people of responsibility for their actions.
* 'Do you know that people who act out sexually are more likely to have been abused or raped?'
* Having grown up in a middle class family, I feel decidedly out of place in privileged neighborhoods with their private pools and uniformed personnel.
*That's what rape is about, it's about power and control.
jennifermoyas's review against another edition
emotional
hopeful
informative
inspiring
reflective
sad
slow-paced
Really heavy book so be aware. Was also a really long time since I read this so I don’t really remember what I thought about it.
Content Warnings
Graphic: Sexual assault