Reviews with content warning for Toxic relationship - Not That Bad: Dispatches from Rape Culture

Raw
Brutal
Unflinching
Haunting
Thought-provoking
Essential Reading

A book like this and it's effects are sometimes too powerful to put into words, let alone sentences. So many aspects of this book are worth mentioning and discussing that it's hard to mention some without all, but some of the theme's which I found were dealt with well and struck me especially hard are below.
• The phrase Not That Bad is looked at throughout the book. How, in some cases we need to minimise our trauma to exercise some level of control over the situation or indeed to to be able to begin to heal. In others, we need to emphasise the trauma in order to get help and to be able to escape from certain environments. What flows beautifully through the book is that in any case of any type of sexual trauma, IT WAS BAD ENOUGH.
• Another recurring theme which is so enduring to victims of sexual trauma is the concept of blame. This is looked at without holding back and many stories talked about the survivor feeling they hadn't done enough to fight back or to prevent it, had drawn it on themselves in some way or that they "let" their abuser continue. Again, this book tries to show that even though those feelings are all too real for survivors, the only people who should carry the blame is the abusers.
• The book also showed an area which is often neglected and that is that sexual trauma occurs across all gender spectrums or sexual orientations and effect all types of individuals. Stories from many members of the LGBTQ+ community were included and showed the horrible inclusivity of rape culture.

Every single story was powerful in it's own right but the ones that really caught me were those by Aubrey Hirsch, Jill Christman, xTx, Emma Smith-Stevens,Stacey May Fowles, Zoë Medeiros & Anthony Frame. I chose to listen to the audio in which the stories are voiced by their authors which of course added a multitude.

This is a book everyone needs to read when they feel they are able to. It's not a pleasant read in any way and is the definition of triggering for anyone with any history of sexual trauma but I also think it is in a way healing to hear some of these stories. Every person irrelevant or gender or orientation should read this and come more aware of just how horrific and invasive Rape Culture is.

Content Warnings

gabtiffin's review against another edition

Go to review page

challenging inspiring reflective fast-paced

5.0

Content Warnings

kimmysanders's review against another edition

Go to review page

challenging emotional reflective medium-paced

5.0

I tend to avoid books like this, because I suppose I’m yet another product of exactly what these essays address: Nothing that has ever happened to me has ever been that bad, and nothing makes that clearer than reading the experiences of others.

But that’s the point of collections like these. It is that bad. It’s always been that bad. The fact that we have to consistently work to squash and minimize and fit and qualify and hide and compare and contrast and compete just proves it. None of us are unscathed, and I think we know that, but there’s also some measure of weird misplaced safety in believing that it wasn’t that bad.

The two pieces that resounded with me the most in this collection were “The Ways We Are Taught to Be a Girl,” by xTx, and “All the Angry Women,” by Lyz Lenz.

The first details the points we give ourselves for the traumas we’ve faced. How many is enough? How few is still normal? “You could have left but you stayed. You wanted it and he knew. The ways we turn the gun to our own temple.”

The second is a clear portrait of what is left over when religion (or the patriarchy) forgives male abuse but sidelines, buries, stigmatizes female anger. “Jesus is allowed table-flipping rage. We speak of men and their rage as if it is laudable. ‘Men just get mad and punch each other and it’s over,’ we say. ‘Women are just bitches; they never let it go.'” (I am of course aware of the extra threat attached to Black anger – white anger is most easily forgiven, and the layers of unacceptability are deepest for justified Black female rage.)

This collection gives voice to many people with many different experiences. Some are excruciating to read. Some reminded me rather too much of myself. Some may remind you of yourself. And these are not just women’s stories about bad men. These are stories about women, men, families, structures. Whoever you are, whatever your experiences, there is something here of value for you.

Of course, you’re likely going to know if this is a book you should avoid. There are clear descriptions of assault, abuse, rape, and incest in these essays, and if that might retraumatize you, please give this a pass. But if you, like me, just avoid stories like this because the things that happened to you when you were 9, 15, 22, 34, etc. don’t qualify as particularly noteworthy while at the same time you work as hard as possible to forget or trivialize those same incidents, then you’ll likely find something worthwhile here.

Content Warnings

More...