amslersf's review
3.0
This was a good book, but generally I think parents would be better served by studying meditation/mindfulness and reading my favorite book on raising babies/kids: "Our Babies, Ourselves: How biology and culture shape the way we parent." "Our Babies, Ourselves" gives a non judgmental look at parenting across cultures and what those decisions infer about values. You're left to decide what type of child you hope to raise and what decisions might support that process.
inthecommonhours's review
3.0
A library check out that I didn't finish. I liked it but it didn't keep my attention. I think I like the idea of it more than the book itself.
ETA: The above was written in 2008, and true.
In 2011, I read it with a sangha/mindful mamas group, and finally read the whole thing. Definitely got more out of it in this context.
A few passages I marked:
"Boys need the presence of competent, embodied men in their lives, men who DO know who they are and are not afraid of or numb to how they feel, men who are empathic and accepting, playful, wild and soulful, who are not enslaved by their work, and don't fear or hate women. The presence of strong, empathic men in the fole of father, grandfather or mentor is always important for young boys, but it is needed more and more as boys move into adolescence. The transition from boy to man requires a vision, a new way of seeing, and a new way of being in the body." p.271
"Children want so much to feel "normal" in what they can do and see, and they compare themselves, naturally enough, to what their friends are allowed to do and watch, and how they behave. What is considered "normal" in our society is often violent, cruel, and much of the time, demeaning to women. It is so ever present that we can become inured to it and hardly see it at all...Our girls truly need us as their allies in a culture where their way of seeing things---and what may be most important to them---is often not valued or even acknowledged." p.286
p. 328 paraphrasing: "It is essential that parents, schools and communities collaborate and provide opportunities / activities that naturally build self-awareness, along with self-discipline and self-confidence. Having more and more freedom and faced with all sorts of choices, some of which are destructive and dangerous...older children must develop self-awareness---in touch with what they are feeling in any given situation, including highly conflicted feelings, and to ask themselves what it is they really need. With some self-awareness, they are more likely to make healthier choices and better able to set their own limits and boundaries." p. 328
Loved the chapter on "Minding Our Own Business" p. 330 "...(for them to trust us) requires presence and availability on our part. It also requires a healthy respect for interiority, for the inner life we can never know of someone else, and are lucky if we can recognize in oneself,...It is a delicate balance, requiring a high degree os sensitivity, discernment and patience. Patience and presence without prying or probing or being overbearing, and without judging them when our children do share something with us...
Our job is to take care of our own inner business, the business of our own mind, our own body, our own relationships, and our own life, according the same freedome and respect to our children as they make the transition from total dependency as small children to independent and interdependent adults.
The heart of the book for me is p. 353..."our children's attempts to be accepted for who they actually are, rather than for what we---in our ignorance of how things are, and out of our own fears---might want them to be." If we pretend...stuff the invalid or unaccepted parts of ourselves, they fester and grow toxic from lack of acknowledgement and expression. They linger there and can influence our life trajectory in momentous ways we may not see...
There is a list of intentions and exercises in the back that distill the book even more. I found it cumbersome, overly wordy, and could not stick to it on my own, but with a group to pull me through it, I found much to admire and take to heart.
ETA: The above was written in 2008, and true.
In 2011, I read it with a sangha/mindful mamas group, and finally read the whole thing. Definitely got more out of it in this context.
A few passages I marked:
"Boys need the presence of competent, embodied men in their lives, men who DO know who they are and are not afraid of or numb to how they feel, men who are empathic and accepting, playful, wild and soulful, who are not enslaved by their work, and don't fear or hate women. The presence of strong, empathic men in the fole of father, grandfather or mentor is always important for young boys, but it is needed more and more as boys move into adolescence. The transition from boy to man requires a vision, a new way of seeing, and a new way of being in the body." p.271
"Children want so much to feel "normal" in what they can do and see, and they compare themselves, naturally enough, to what their friends are allowed to do and watch, and how they behave. What is considered "normal" in our society is often violent, cruel, and much of the time, demeaning to women. It is so ever present that we can become inured to it and hardly see it at all...Our girls truly need us as their allies in a culture where their way of seeing things---and what may be most important to them---is often not valued or even acknowledged." p.286
p. 328 paraphrasing: "It is essential that parents, schools and communities collaborate and provide opportunities / activities that naturally build self-awareness, along with self-discipline and self-confidence. Having more and more freedom and faced with all sorts of choices, some of which are destructive and dangerous...older children must develop self-awareness---in touch with what they are feeling in any given situation, including highly conflicted feelings, and to ask themselves what it is they really need. With some self-awareness, they are more likely to make healthier choices and better able to set their own limits and boundaries." p. 328
Loved the chapter on "Minding Our Own Business" p. 330 "...(for them to trust us) requires presence and availability on our part. It also requires a healthy respect for interiority, for the inner life we can never know of someone else, and are lucky if we can recognize in oneself,...It is a delicate balance, requiring a high degree os sensitivity, discernment and patience. Patience and presence without prying or probing or being overbearing, and without judging them when our children do share something with us...
Our job is to take care of our own inner business, the business of our own mind, our own body, our own relationships, and our own life, according the same freedome and respect to our children as they make the transition from total dependency as small children to independent and interdependent adults.
The heart of the book for me is p. 353..."our children's attempts to be accepted for who they actually are, rather than for what we---in our ignorance of how things are, and out of our own fears---might want them to be." If we pretend...stuff the invalid or unaccepted parts of ourselves, they fester and grow toxic from lack of acknowledgement and expression. They linger there and can influence our life trajectory in momentous ways we may not see...
There is a list of intentions and exercises in the back that distill the book even more. I found it cumbersome, overly wordy, and could not stick to it on my own, but with a group to pull me through it, I found much to admire and take to heart.
sarahfett's review against another edition
2.0
I kept skimming ahead looking for practical advice, but it was all theoretical and redundant.
sarahjaneinstpaul's review
3.0
Okay, I think I'm done with this one. I read the first half and loved the philosophy of mindfulness in parenting, but the second half got a little to attachment preachy to me. I will definitely use some of their insights, though.
skorchumova's review
3.0
I picked up this book as a relatively new parent and, as a Buddhist and meditator, I found it helpful and inspiring overall. Oddly, there aren’t many Buddhist and mindfulness books about the parenting or caregiver experience, so I really appreciated this as a guide and a source of inspiration for how to parent consciously.
Three stars mainly for the following reasons:
- It was written a while ago and the authors use some fables throughout that feel dated and quite traditional today.
- There is some heavy-handed prescribing of what’s right and wrong in parenting, which made some sections unnecessarily uncomfortable.
- Also, there are quite a few attempts to highlight how childhood affects adults’ psychology and overall approach to life that are just too superficial.
Three stars mainly for the following reasons:
- It was written a while ago and the authors use some fables throughout that feel dated and quite traditional today.
- There is some heavy-handed prescribing of what’s right and wrong in parenting, which made some sections unnecessarily uncomfortable.
- Also, there are quite a few attempts to highlight how childhood affects adults’ psychology and overall approach to life that are just too superficial.
gkj's review against another edition
informative
inspiring
reflective
medium-paced
2.5
Truthfully I was about to give this book two stars, but the lists at the end of the book "Intentionality - Parenting As a Spiritual Discipline" and "Twelve Exercises for Mindful Parenting" were absolutely wonderful! I would have appreciated an entire book on those subjects, which is what I thought I had with this book originally. Instead however, the book really reflected on how great of parents they were. Citing their own experiences as what resulted in their kids awesomeness. And even though the Kabat-Zinn's and I have both nursed all our children, I found the breast feeding chapter overwhelmingly self-righteous. I really value Jon Kabat-Zinn's work in the field of mindfulness. Perhaps this early book was ground breaking in 1997. Who knows.
somethewiser's review against another edition
5.0
This book is about so much more than parenting, it is about being a mindful human being and bringing awareness to every part of our everyday life. This is by far the most important and influential parenting book I have ever read. It won't tell you how to get your baby to sleep through the night, but it will help you come to a place of acceptance, of appreciation, of empathy for the blessings and challenges of parenting. This is a book about living authentically and bringing a mindfulness to parenting that will result in the rich family life we all dream of having.
sarahjaneinstpaul's review against another edition
3.0
Okay, I think I'm done with this one. I read the first half and loved the philosophy of mindfulness in parenting, but the second half got a little to attachment preachy to me. I will definitely use some of their insights, though.