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jeffbrimhall's review against another edition
Audiobook
Book did not discuss stay at home mothers at all. Entirely about 2 working spouses with some mention of stay at home dads.
Interesting ideas. Got a bit tedious. A lot of repetition and didn’t see to get to a point. Also missed discussion entirely non how many busy work type actions are not necessary and even though women think they are needed could probably be cut out.
Book did not discuss stay at home mothers at all. Entirely about 2 working spouses with some mention of stay at home dads.
Interesting ideas. Got a bit tedious. A lot of repetition and didn’t see to get to a point. Also missed discussion entirely non how many busy work type actions are not necessary and even though women think they are needed could probably be cut out.
katiiekhaos's review against another edition
challenging
emotional
informative
reflective
medium-paced
5.0
alexisrt's review against another edition
5.0
I became aware of this book when the author wrote a New York Times column based on it. It got passed around Facebook, and my friends who are mothers were all largely in agreement with it.
Luckily, the book lived up to the idea. Darcy Lockman has written a great assessment of the continuing gender gap in parenting, and how our talk of egalitarianism has not borne out in reality. It's a journalistic, not terribly long book, but while she does weave in her own experiences, she summarizes a lot of research in the field as well as interviews with other mothers. Given the length, she obviously can't go into great detail, but the amount of ground covered is substantial, and she makes sure that she doesn't just talk about middle class white mothers.
What drives inequality, in Dr. Lockman's view, is a system of interlocking parts. Men and women are socialized into gender roles regarding parenting, but are still bombarded with messages that these roles are innate. Women "choose" to do more... except that choice occurs because they know that if they won't do it, it won't be done. Men have it all because they have it on the backs of women's labor, but women cannot rely on men. If they want to "have it all", they need the paid labor of other women (as women's income increases, they spend more on outsourcing household tasks--men don't). Meanwhile, women face pressure and judgment to be perfect parents that men don't face.
Men, meanwhile, don't really want to change, and have little incentive to do so. They exhibit a range of strategies to avoid more work--assuming their partners will do it, passively refusing (and portraying it as maternal gatekeeping), strategic incompetence, and denial. If they break free of stereotypes, they are penalized by both their employers and their peers.
The US, moreover, is not alone. While our lack of societal support has an impact, all Western countries see a gap in household labor. Even in Sweden, the most equal country surveyed, has men doing less. Subsidized childcare has the greatest impact on women--Danish men spend the same amount of time with their children as American fathers, but Danish mothers spend less time than their American counterparts. (In terms of paternal involvement, the US does reasonably well.)
In order to change this, MEN need to change. What good would it be for women to let it go if the consequences will just fall on the kids? That's precisely why women keep doing it and allow the resentment to simmer. There's no use to women changing their expectations of themselves if men don't step up to the plate. The constant arguments about women choosing to work less and biological determinism are an attempt to sidestep this reality--that women can't choose to do otherwise unless men change. Their only option, as an increasing number of American women are doing, is to stop having children.
There's a constant litany of infuriating facts--the amount of time fathers spend on housework drops after their 2nd child; the same jobs are described as more flexible when women hold them--and some infuriating fathers. Not everything here was new to me, but she did an excellent job of putting it together.
Highly recommended, and men should try reading it.
Luckily, the book lived up to the idea. Darcy Lockman has written a great assessment of the continuing gender gap in parenting, and how our talk of egalitarianism has not borne out in reality. It's a journalistic, not terribly long book, but while she does weave in her own experiences, she summarizes a lot of research in the field as well as interviews with other mothers. Given the length, she obviously can't go into great detail, but the amount of ground covered is substantial, and she makes sure that she doesn't just talk about middle class white mothers.
What drives inequality, in Dr. Lockman's view, is a system of interlocking parts. Men and women are socialized into gender roles regarding parenting, but are still bombarded with messages that these roles are innate. Women "choose" to do more... except that choice occurs because they know that if they won't do it, it won't be done. Men have it all because they have it on the backs of women's labor, but women cannot rely on men. If they want to "have it all", they need the paid labor of other women (as women's income increases, they spend more on outsourcing household tasks--men don't). Meanwhile, women face pressure and judgment to be perfect parents that men don't face.
Men, meanwhile, don't really want to change, and have little incentive to do so. They exhibit a range of strategies to avoid more work--assuming their partners will do it, passively refusing (and portraying it as maternal gatekeeping), strategic incompetence, and denial. If they break free of stereotypes, they are penalized by both their employers and their peers.
The US, moreover, is not alone. While our lack of societal support has an impact, all Western countries see a gap in household labor. Even in Sweden, the most equal country surveyed, has men doing less. Subsidized childcare has the greatest impact on women--Danish men spend the same amount of time with their children as American fathers, but Danish mothers spend less time than their American counterparts. (In terms of paternal involvement, the US does reasonably well.)
In order to change this, MEN need to change. What good would it be for women to let it go if the consequences will just fall on the kids? That's precisely why women keep doing it and allow the resentment to simmer. There's no use to women changing their expectations of themselves if men don't step up to the plate. The constant arguments about women choosing to work less and biological determinism are an attempt to sidestep this reality--that women can't choose to do otherwise unless men change. Their only option, as an increasing number of American women are doing, is to stop having children.
There's a constant litany of infuriating facts--the amount of time fathers spend on housework drops after their 2nd child; the same jobs are described as more flexible when women hold them--and some infuriating fathers. Not everything here was new to me, but she did an excellent job of putting it together.
Highly recommended, and men should try reading it.
sara_shocks's review against another edition
5.0
4.5/5 stars, rounded up
Very well-done look at how parenting (primarily in the USA) is divided unfairly along gendered lines and the various pressures on mothers and how that causes negative consequences for them but also the fathers. Good mix of studies (to get statistics that cut across demographics) and interviews to illustrate. A better way is out there, and we should be working towards it! (Lockman outlines what this looks like in places.)
Very well-done look at how parenting (primarily in the USA) is divided unfairly along gendered lines and the various pressures on mothers and how that causes negative consequences for them but also the fathers. Good mix of studies (to get statistics that cut across demographics) and interviews to illustrate. A better way is out there, and we should be working towards it! (Lockman outlines what this looks like in places.)
niniane's review against another edition
4.0
Housework tends to be equal until children, and then women pick up a lot of it, but men choose to still prioritize their career or their own relaxation. Typically men do 1/3 and women do 2/3 of work at home after children.
The book described "benign sexism" which praises women for sticking to gender roles. E.g. " women have a natural maternal instinct that men don't have", "women are better at nurturing", etc. This is more palatable to women who then end up complying, whereas hostile sexism makes them protest.
The author talked about her own marriage where she would ask her husband to do things and he would keep forgetting and procrastinating. Finally, she would just do it herself. But then he would claim that he would have done it if she hadn't stepped in and usurped it.
The book described "benign sexism" which praises women for sticking to gender roles. E.g. " women have a natural maternal instinct that men don't have", "women are better at nurturing", etc. This is more palatable to women who then end up complying, whereas hostile sexism makes them protest.
The author talked about her own marriage where she would ask her husband to do things and he would keep forgetting and procrastinating. Finally, she would just do it herself. But then he would claim that he would have done it if she hadn't stepped in and usurped it.