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singalana's review against another edition
dark
emotional
reflective
medium-paced
4.5
Writing a review about this book is going to be very hard since it talks about such personal experiences.
I picked this up because I saw it on a list of audiobooks that the authors themselves narrated. I had listened to I’m Glad My Mom Died and loved it, so I thought this was going to be something similar, and in a way, it was. But I had no idea how personal, raw, and brutal this book was going to be.
The book recounts his childhood, his dreams of becoming a model and then an actor, his sexuality, and his loss. That’s a lot to unpack. What first startled me was how he would speak of things that definitely weren’t okay, like they were okay, like they were normal and to be expected. It made these things hard to listen to, but I carried on because I hoped there was light at the end of the tunnel for him.
What I took away from this listening experience is that there is so much to people that you don’t know about. And the best thing that you can do for someone is to offer them a safe space where they can be who they are instead of trying to live up to the expectations of others.
Yes, this book was raw and brutal, but there was an undercurrent of hope.
Content Warnings
Graphic: Adult/minor relationship, Child abuse, Pedophilia, Sexual content, and Sexual violence
Moderate: Addiction, Alcoholism, Toxic relationship, and Alcohol
Minor: Cancer, Chronic illness, Death, Drug abuse, Drug use, Eating disorder, Incest, Grief, and Death of parent
lady_moon's review
5.0
"I’m crying because for the first time I can remember, I’m present, and my emotions feel like a gift, a celebration, a reward. It’s just me, myself, and the sky."
I can believe how raw this memoir was. Colton Haynes did not shy from anything. He hid absolutely nothing. It feels almost disrespectful to try dear down this memoir by analyzing it - it has so much emotion and honesty. Colton Haynes himself comes to many ugly conclusions about his childhood and teenage years towards the end. It was brutal. I can only admire his bravery in sharing this book with the world. If half of this had happened to, I would take it to the grave with me.
I started it without having an idea what exactly I'm getting into. I didn't have any expectations. And I got so much more emotion, rawness and tears than I expected. And let me tell, the audiobook, being narrated by Colton Haynes himself, added to it. There was one or two times, as he talked about his mother's death, where his voice shook. I was crying for the last two or three chapters at this point. I'm so so glad I decided to give this a chance. I know many people pick up memoires based on that if they like the celebrity or not. I believe anyone who does or doesn't know/like/care about Colton Haynes particularly (like I was) can pick up this book and get the full experience.
Content Warnings
Graphic: Addiction, Adult/minor relationship, Alcoholism, Child abuse, Cursing, Domestic abuse, Drug abuse, Emotional abuse, Homophobia, Mental illness, Self harm, Sexual assault, Toxic relationship, Death of parent, Alcohol, and Sexual harassment
Moderate: Body shaming, Cancer, Death, Eating disorder, Fatphobia, Incest, Pedophilia, Suicide, Blood, Medical content, Grief, and Abandonment
Minor: Terminal illness
chione23's review against another edition
challenging
dark
emotional
hopeful
inspiring
reflective
sad
fast-paced
5.0
I expected a lot of this book. I had heard glimpses of the story of this phenomenal human being that alone had touched me deeply and given me food for thought for days.
I got what I expected: a heartfelt story about making it as a gay actor in an industry that told you you couldn't be and overcoming these struggles and a rough childhood.
I also got a lot of things I hadn't bargained for.
The dedication at the beginning of the book already got to me. In it, Colton tells his readers not to dream about breaking their arms to be acknowledged and cared for. He says that we all deserve love without pain.
In his prologue, he goes down memory lane very literally and figuratively. When he speaks about trying to find himself in the pieces of memories he'd collected, I recognised myself. The way he wrote reminded me a bit of Jonas Jonasson, probably because of the grotesque of it all. That is also what made me laugh out loud at some points, albeit very cynically. Mostly, the moments described in the book do take you on a journey with only small glimpses at happiness and little room for triumph when the punches come one after another. There are happy memories in it, but they do not feel nearly as far away and dreamy as you would expect from the life of a star. They feel achievable.
Haynes is very good at writing about the things he experienced both on a literal and on a metaphorical level when describing just the right parts of his surroundings. <Spoiler> I realized how invested in this story I was when I caught myself growing distrustful after being shocked by the first instance he was sexually abused and being weary of every new man introduced and their intentions. I caught myself longing for him to turn eighteen already so I could tell myself what was happening to him was somehow fine. And I longed for the coming out I knew would come and wished would give me that high that felt like it was missing.
Haynes doesn't censor himself or pull any punches. He talks about predators taking advantage of young people in the industry and also his time as a phone findom and how tantric massages felt therapeutic to him.
When he talks about how being closeted enabled him in hiding things that were actually not okay and not getting help because he was made to treat hiding being gay as something shameful and wrong and not okay anyway, it got me thinking. When he talks about coming out still not solving his problems and feeling extraterrestrial his whole life, it touched me deeply.
I caught myself longing for the breakdown he had while reading his very vivid description of a horrible time in his life and addiction. And I recalled his advice: You don't need to be in pain to deserve love. You don't need to get to his rock bottom to let yourself get better. </Spoiler>
I also caught myself learning a lot about the world of photography and fashion modeling that I had never been interested in but couldn't help but be fascinated by after hearing Haynes' descriptions of the art of photography. Sharing that passion seems to be another of his goals.
<Spoiler> When I finally had that context for how he looked returning to Arrow and that it wasn't a poor attempt to age him up but a very real struggle, when I learned he left Teen Wolf for getting paid less than his counterparts and that he left Arrow because he was depressed, and neither because he wasn't wanted anymore, I recognised that these inside scoops about these iconic TV series I had watched during my lifetime meant little to me now, I just wanted him to not miss out on his deserved success. </Spoiler>
People are calling this a confession or an apology. I don't see it. <Spoiler> It's not just the Paris trip, it's the attempt to make his sisters feel like stars, it's spending his money on others when he didn't have it or when they wouldn't ever know where it came from. I always see a good person. Yes, he was a kid fighting with his brother. Yes, he was a teenage boyfriend saying yes to a proposal and not meaning it. Yes, he got married while his mom was dying and divorced when she was dead. He never fell to the level of what others did to him, even at his lowest.
The perspective changes were a real highlight. From dancing himself to watching dancers in a strip club and wondering if he ever had their energy, being paid to dominate others and only really getting it years later on the other side. Even his envy over the other teenagers having their stage moms who dedicated so much to helping their kids achieve the dreams he had gets reflected upon when he turns into a stage mom himself for his fiancé, forcing his own dreams on him because he never got to live them and then resenting him when he does succeed and pushing him away for this reason and others.
Other moments that will stick with me for a long time are his description of wanting to protect his brother's innocence but also resenting him for it and the moment he realizes he is not desirable anymore, at his rock bottom, and feels relief. His coming out to his mother, who he felt always knew and was his strongest ally, going horribly, and their journey back together to the point where he dedicated this memoir to her.
</Spoiler>
A lot of quotes got me to read them out loud and over and over to fully comprehend them.
You need to be prepared for a quiet and thoughtful day that might have you questioning your gender, your pride, your dreams, your coming out and whether you should maybe call the people who've paved your way and watched out for you in your life.
I read Miss Memory Lane in a day. I only started crying at the very end of the acknowledgements when he thanked his cat and I somehow realized he was okay now.
I got what I expected: a heartfelt story about making it as a gay actor in an industry that told you you couldn't be and overcoming these struggles and a rough childhood.
I also got a lot of things I hadn't bargained for.
The dedication at the beginning of the book already got to me. In it, Colton tells his readers not to dream about breaking their arms to be acknowledged and cared for. He says that we all deserve love without pain.
In his prologue, he goes down memory lane very literally and figuratively. When he speaks about trying to find himself in the pieces of memories he'd collected, I recognised myself. The way he wrote reminded me a bit of Jonas Jonasson, probably because of the grotesque of it all. That is also what made me laugh out loud at some points, albeit very cynically. Mostly, the moments described in the book do take you on a journey with only small glimpses at happiness and little room for triumph when the punches come one after another. There are happy memories in it, but they do not feel nearly as far away and dreamy as you would expect from the life of a star. They feel achievable.
Haynes is very good at writing about the things he experienced both on a literal and on a metaphorical level when describing just the right parts of his surroundings. <Spoiler> I realized how invested in this story I was when I caught myself growing distrustful after being shocked by the first instance he was sexually abused and being weary of every new man introduced and their intentions. I caught myself longing for him to turn eighteen already so I could tell myself what was happening to him was somehow fine. And I longed for the coming out I knew would come and wished would give me that high that felt like it was missing.
Haynes doesn't censor himself or pull any punches. He talks about predators taking advantage of young people in the industry and also his time as a phone findom and how tantric massages felt therapeutic to him.
When he talks about how being closeted enabled him in hiding things that were actually not okay and not getting help because he was made to treat hiding being gay as something shameful and wrong and not okay anyway, it got me thinking. When he talks about coming out still not solving his problems and feeling extraterrestrial his whole life, it touched me deeply.
I caught myself longing for the breakdown he had while reading his very vivid description of a horrible time in his life and addiction. And I recalled his advice: You don't need to be in pain to deserve love. You don't need to get to his rock bottom to let yourself get better. </Spoiler>
I also caught myself learning a lot about the world of photography and fashion modeling that I had never been interested in but couldn't help but be fascinated by after hearing Haynes' descriptions of the art of photography. Sharing that passion seems to be another of his goals.
<Spoiler> When I finally had that context for how he looked returning to Arrow and that it wasn't a poor attempt to age him up but a very real struggle, when I learned he left Teen Wolf for getting paid less than his counterparts and that he left Arrow because he was depressed, and neither because he wasn't wanted anymore, I recognised that these inside scoops about these iconic TV series I had watched during my lifetime meant little to me now, I just wanted him to not miss out on his deserved success. </Spoiler>
People are calling this a confession or an apology. I don't see it. <Spoiler> It's not just the Paris trip, it's the attempt to make his sisters feel like stars, it's spending his money on others when he didn't have it or when they wouldn't ever know where it came from. I always see a good person. Yes, he was a kid fighting with his brother. Yes, he was a teenage boyfriend saying yes to a proposal and not meaning it. Yes, he got married while his mom was dying and divorced when she was dead. He never fell to the level of what others did to him, even at his lowest.
The perspective changes were a real highlight. From dancing himself to watching dancers in a strip club and wondering if he ever had their energy, being paid to dominate others and only really getting it years later on the other side. Even his envy over the other teenagers having their stage moms who dedicated so much to helping their kids achieve the dreams he had gets reflected upon when he turns into a stage mom himself for his fiancé, forcing his own dreams on him because he never got to live them and then resenting him when he does succeed and pushing him away for this reason and others.
Other moments that will stick with me for a long time are his description of wanting to protect his brother's innocence but also resenting him for it and the moment he realizes he is not desirable anymore, at his rock bottom, and feels relief. His coming out to his mother, who he felt always knew and was his strongest ally, going horribly, and their journey back together to the point where he dedicated this memoir to her.
</Spoiler>
A lot of quotes got me to read them out loud and over and over to fully comprehend them.
You need to be prepared for a quiet and thoughtful day that might have you questioning your gender, your pride, your dreams, your coming out and whether you should maybe call the people who've paved your way and watched out for you in your life.
I read Miss Memory Lane in a day. I only started crying at the very end of the acknowledgements when he thanked his cat and I somehow realized he was okay now.
Content Warnings
Moderate: Addiction, Adult/minor relationship, Alcoholism, Body shaming, Bullying, Cancer, Child abuse, Cursing, Death, Domestic abuse, Drug abuse, Drug use, Eating disorder, Emotional abuse, Fatphobia, Homophobia, Infidelity, Mental illness, Panic attacks/disorders, Pedophilia, Physical abuse, Rape, Self harm, Sexual assault, Sexual content, Suicide, Terminal illness, Toxic relationship, Violence, Medical content, Grief, Religious bigotry, Medical trauma, Death of parent, Outing, Gaslighting, Alcohol, and Sexual harassment
greyys_libraryy's review against another edition
challenging
emotional
informative
reflective
sad
medium-paced
5.0
Content Warnings
Graphic: Addiction, Adult/minor relationship, Alcoholism, Domestic abuse, Drug abuse, Drug use, Emotional abuse, Rape, Sexual assault, Abandonment, and Alcohol
Moderate: Body shaming, Cancer, Child abuse, Death, Eating disorder, Fatphobia, Homophobia, Mental illness, Medical content, Grief, Medical trauma, and Death of parent
Minor: Suicidal thoughts and Toxic relationship
imtonysturtle's review against another edition
emotional
medium-paced
4.0
Content Warnings
Graphic: Addiction, Adult/minor relationship, Alcoholism, Domestic abuse, Drug abuse, Drug use, Emotional abuse, Pedophilia, Physical abuse, Sexual content, and Alcohol
Moderate: Bullying, Eating disorder, Mental illness, Grief, and Dysphoria
Minor: Cancer, Death, Terminal illness, Vomit, Medical content, Car accident, and Death of parent
barsquid's review against another edition
dark
emotional
reflective
sad
fast-paced
5.0
Colton struck gold with this book. Extremely well written and a story that deserves to be told.
Content Warnings
Graphic: Addiction, Adult/minor relationship, Alcoholism, Cancer, Death, Domestic abuse, Drug use, Homophobia, Incest, Mental illness, and Death of parent
njokitiagha's review against another edition
challenging
dark
emotional
hopeful
informative
inspiring
reflective
sad
tense
fast-paced
5.0
Content Warnings
Graphic: Addiction, Adult/minor relationship, Body shaming, Child abuse, Death, Domestic abuse, Drug abuse, Drug use, Eating disorder, Emotional abuse, Homophobia, Mental illness, Panic attacks/disorders, Pedophilia, Physical abuse, Rape, Sexual violence, Grief, Death of parent, Alcohol, and Dysphoria
davidbythebay's review against another edition
emotional
hopeful
inspiring
reflective
sad
fast-paced
5.0
Thank you to Colton Haynes and Atria Books for the ARC giveaway copy.
First, this was an incredible memoir. BUY IT NOW (it comes out tomorrow, May 31, 2022).
Now, I have to come clean: I was not too familiar with Colton Haynes' work going into this memoir. What drew me to this was the description that it was a memoir about coming to terms with his sexuality, abuse, addiction, and what I was sure to be insights into mental health. I greatly enjoy memoirs about coming to terms with one's sexuality. Anything dealing with mental illness - depression, anxiety, and addiction - also interest me. This was one of the best memoirs I have read on the subject, and in general.
Colton - because I feel after reading this we are clearly on a first name basis - takes a meandering approach to his life story, which is a great way to write a memoir. The key to this memoir is this: while it is told linearly in time, it is a bit more conversational than most memoirs I've read. Hence the "meandering" tone of it. Indeed, I'd have to go the step further and call this more than conversational. This was therapeutic conversation. I felt more like I was sitting down with Colton at a group therapy session or an intimate moment of vulnerability than reading a surface-level puff-piece. He is here to tell his story, to review his life for himself, and to help others by telling his story honestly and openly.
One draw back to his style - which is such a minor, personal thing - is that sometimes names and people pop up with little context, as if I am supposed to know who this person is already when it is the first time they have appeared in the narrative. (Some of this is probably due to my ignorance over his television career.) Stick with it and you get the context or at least the purpose they play in his memoir. Then again, isn't that life? People pop in and out and they aren't the focus of the story; the events involving these people are the focus. For a moment I felt this distracting, but then I realized it wasn't necessarily about who this person is so much as what they represent or what event occurred with them present.
I once read another celebrity coming-to-terms memoir from an out gay celebrity and I felt let down by the one-dimensional approach of stating things but never exploring them. Colton NEVER says anything without truly exploring his emotions and thoughts. He is viscerally honest about his parents, his family, his friends, but most importantly himself. For example, he speaks of childhood trauma and abuse and tells you what he felt and how it shaped him. In another instant, he speaks of his thoughts around men and being gay, what he sought out and why, how that made him feel. This was beyond honest. This was truth. I felt the truth coming off the page.
His approach is moving. I cannot tell you how many times I cried. I cried because what Colton went through was at times disgusting, at times saddening, and at times heart-wrenching. I cried because what Colton said rang so true to my own experiences. I cried because of how Colton laid bare his life, even his unhealthy thoughts on sex and how he has grown from his experiences. I cannot still believe how what he said could easily have come out of my own mouth. Reading this made me cry because I realized my own history and life, I realized how I look at men and sex and how similar it is to how Colton viewed them. I was left emotional, in the best ways possible.
Though I was left in tears, I am left feeling immense gratitude to Colton for his honest memoir. It showed me I am not alone. Not in my anxiety and depression. Not in my sexuality. The highest compliment I can think of for any memoir that is confessional and honest is that it made me feel like I'm not alone. Colton Haynes' "Miss Memory Lane" made me feel seen and heard. I see Colton. I hear Colton. I am glad he has shared his story and I am so glad he wrote this book.
In short: This is perhaps THE BEST memoir I have ever read. Certainly it is the best memoir I've read about coming to terms with one's sexuality and dealing with one's own faults, becoming self aware and actualizing changes for a better life. I wish Colton all the luck in the world with this book and in whatever he does in the future. He, like everyone else in this world, deserves to be loved completely and unconditionally. Based on this memoir, he has begun to love himself in that way.
UPDATE April 30, 2023: It's almost been a year, and I had to read this again. It was just as amazing this second time around. In the last year I've embarked on a huge career change and became a Peer Recovery Coach, using my recovery in mental illness and eating disorders/food addiction to help others in early recovery from their demons. And I have to attribute Colton Haynes for this shift. His story illuminated several things I knew about myself and was ignoring, such as my own recovery. I've been in recovery for years, but reading this reinvigorated my recovery just when I needed it. And I can never thank him enough. Amazing! If you haven't read this yet, what are you waiting for?
First, this was an incredible memoir. BUY IT NOW (it comes out tomorrow, May 31, 2022).
Now, I have to come clean: I was not too familiar with Colton Haynes' work going into this memoir. What drew me to this was the description that it was a memoir about coming to terms with his sexuality, abuse, addiction, and what I was sure to be insights into mental health. I greatly enjoy memoirs about coming to terms with one's sexuality. Anything dealing with mental illness - depression, anxiety, and addiction - also interest me. This was one of the best memoirs I have read on the subject, and in general.
Colton - because I feel after reading this we are clearly on a first name basis - takes a meandering approach to his life story, which is a great way to write a memoir. The key to this memoir is this: while it is told linearly in time, it is a bit more conversational than most memoirs I've read. Hence the "meandering" tone of it. Indeed, I'd have to go the step further and call this more than conversational. This was therapeutic conversation. I felt more like I was sitting down with Colton at a group therapy session or an intimate moment of vulnerability than reading a surface-level puff-piece. He is here to tell his story, to review his life for himself, and to help others by telling his story honestly and openly.
One draw back to his style - which is such a minor, personal thing - is that sometimes names and people pop up with little context, as if I am supposed to know who this person is already when it is the first time they have appeared in the narrative. (Some of this is probably due to my ignorance over his television career.) Stick with it and you get the context or at least the purpose they play in his memoir. Then again, isn't that life? People pop in and out and they aren't the focus of the story; the events involving these people are the focus. For a moment I felt this distracting, but then I realized it wasn't necessarily about who this person is so much as what they represent or what event occurred with them present.
I once read another celebrity coming-to-terms memoir from an out gay celebrity and I felt let down by the one-dimensional approach of stating things but never exploring them. Colton NEVER says anything without truly exploring his emotions and thoughts. He is viscerally honest about his parents, his family, his friends, but most importantly himself. For example, he speaks of childhood trauma and abuse and tells you what he felt and how it shaped him. In another instant, he speaks of his thoughts around men and being gay, what he sought out and why, how that made him feel. This was beyond honest. This was truth. I felt the truth coming off the page.
His approach is moving. I cannot tell you how many times I cried. I cried because what Colton went through was at times disgusting, at times saddening, and at times heart-wrenching. I cried because what Colton said rang so true to my own experiences. I cried because of how Colton laid bare his life, even his unhealthy thoughts on sex and how he has grown from his experiences. I cannot still believe how what he said could easily have come out of my own mouth. Reading this made me cry because I realized my own history and life, I realized how I look at men and sex and how similar it is to how Colton viewed them. I was left emotional, in the best ways possible.
Though I was left in tears, I am left feeling immense gratitude to Colton for his honest memoir. It showed me I am not alone. Not in my anxiety and depression. Not in my sexuality. The highest compliment I can think of for any memoir that is confessional and honest is that it made me feel like I'm not alone. Colton Haynes' "Miss Memory Lane" made me feel seen and heard. I see Colton. I hear Colton. I am glad he has shared his story and I am so glad he wrote this book.
In short: This is perhaps THE BEST memoir I have ever read. Certainly it is the best memoir I've read about coming to terms with one's sexuality and dealing with one's own faults, becoming self aware and actualizing changes for a better life. I wish Colton all the luck in the world with this book and in whatever he does in the future. He, like everyone else in this world, deserves to be loved completely and unconditionally. Based on this memoir, he has begun to love himself in that way.
UPDATE April 30, 2023: It's almost been a year, and I had to read this again. It was just as amazing this second time around. In the last year I've embarked on a huge career change and became a Peer Recovery Coach, using my recovery in mental illness and eating disorders/food addiction to help others in early recovery from their demons. And I have to attribute Colton Haynes for this shift. His story illuminated several things I knew about myself and was ignoring, such as my own recovery. I've been in recovery for years, but reading this reinvigorated my recovery just when I needed it. And I can never thank him enough. Amazing! If you haven't read this yet, what are you waiting for?
Content Warnings
Graphic: Addiction, Adult/minor relationship, Alcoholism, Child abuse, Death, Domestic abuse, Drug abuse, Drug use, Eating disorder, Emotional abuse, Mental illness, Pedophilia, Physical abuse, Sexual assault, Sexual content, Sexual violence, Suicidal thoughts, Toxic relationship, Violence, Grief, Suicide attempt, Death of parent, Abandonment, and Alcohol
Moderate: Cancer, Panic attacks/disorders, and Vomit