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sarahanne8382's review
5.0
Instead of playing the blame game, Kirshenbaum takes the productive route and helps guide people in affairs to make the decisions they need to in order to move on, whether it's with their partner, with their new partner, or with neither of them. One of the most helpful points in this book is the way guilt cripples those in affairs, clouding their judgment and making them unable to move on for fear of hurting either person they are invovled with. The book then moves on to examine all parties in the love triangle to determine in a clear-headed way what is the best resolution to the situation for everyone involved, including yourself. This book simply amazed me at helpful and non-judgemental this book is. If you're involved in an affair, you need to read this book. It sidsteps the sickening haze of guilt and indecision, and in a non-biased way guides you the resolution that will be best for your long-term mental health.
(And if those of you who know me in real life are wondering if something's up with me & my husband, I actually picked this up as research for a story I'm writing, so no need to fear for the residents of Slacktopia.)
(And if those of you who know me in real life are wondering if something's up with me & my husband, I actually picked this up as research for a story I'm writing, so no need to fear for the residents of Slacktopia.)
ebonyutley's review
5.0
When Good People Have Affairs answers a simple question; I’m having an affair, what should I do? Step by step Kirshenbaum walks the reader through how good people make bad decisions, how to choose a lover or a partner, how to break up, and how to heal. I’ve never read a book about this but it’s so incredibly useful because it does exactly what it promises it will do (unlike a person who had an affair, but that irony is the stuff of another type of post). She outlines 17 different types of affairs then tells you whether you should stay or go depending on the type of affair you’re having. She writes that if you haven’t had unprotected sex with your lover and if there’s no imminent chance that your spouse will find out that you shouldn’t confess to an affair. Do no harm is more important than tell the truth. She offers five characteristics of chemistry and tells you that you have to have all five (easy connections, fun, safety, mutual respect, and physical chemistry) to be happy in a relationship. She provides four characteristics to consider when you are comparing partners (who the people are in themselves, what your relationship is with each one, what your lifestyle would be for each, who you are with each) reminding the reader to compare apples to apples to make a proper comparison. There’s a table where you tally scores and if none of that works, there’s a section on how to determine what is closest to your heart and how to follow it. She addresses how to deal with your children when there’s a divorce because of an affair in a very honest and sensitive way. Actually, Kirshenbaum’s advice on how to choose between two people is great advice for a person choosing just one person. Her work on how to heal can apply to romantic, familial, and friendship relationships. In addition to all the practical information here, I like her. She’s witty. Her metaphors are really funny and she’s honest. She writes the book like a journey, lots of “come with me”, “you’ll soon see,” and “check it out.” She helped me trust her enough to follow her. I concluded that she’s a very wise woman in life in general in addition to having had the myriad patients that comprise the book’s example narratives. A good person having an affair should feel confident in the fact that she has the qualifications to help you make what may be the most difficult decision you’ve faced this far in life—choosing between a partner and a lover.
mutualaid's review against another edition
2.0
How to live in fear and manipulativeness. Two stars only for not stigmatizing affairs and including gay couples. Advocates lying to your partner and ex-lover. Just terrible. An anthropologists nightmare. “Save your pity for the poor people in Africa” is a literal line of this book. Riddled with fatphobia. If you want to live your life from a place of normalcy and fear, read this. If you want to live your life from a place of truth, political awareness, and transformation, read Rethinking Infidelity by Esther Perel instead. Reductionist as hell. Poor psychology. Frued would be disappointed.
veronicamfc's review
4.0
Read it because I thought it could offer insight about ANY relationship and about one’s self. I found out that it did. Simple but powerful advice such as: what is closest to your heart?
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