The design and UX isn't done, Rob and Abbie, okkurrrr! 😌
danacoledares's review against another edition
2.0
The version of the book that I'm reading was published in 2002. Maybe since then there's been an update that acknowledges that women can be abusive, but to leave that out ENTIRELY, even at the turn of the century, seems professionally irresponsible at best.
I get that it's far more common for men to abuse women, and it's fine that this book focuses on that. I would have accepted a simple statement along the lines of "yes, women can also be abusive, but that's not what this book is about.
The part that also looks at the patterns that lead to an abusive mentality / personality is also a very minor section of the book, which was a definite disappointment. A better title might have been "How Abusive Men Think."
I'm glad I'm done with it, and I actually DID at least manage to get through it. I'm considering that a win.
I get that it's far more common for men to abuse women, and it's fine that this book focuses on that. I would have accepted a simple statement along the lines of "yes, women can also be abusive, but that's not what this book is about.
The part that also looks at the patterns that lead to an abusive mentality / personality is also a very minor section of the book, which was a definite disappointment. A better title might have been "How Abusive Men Think."
I'm glad I'm done with it, and I actually DID at least manage to get through it. I'm considering that a win.
rebeccazh's review against another edition
4.0
Similar in theme to [b:See What You Made Me Do: Power, Control and Domestic Violence|43800661|See What You Made Me Do Power, Control and Domestic Violence|Jess Hill|https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1548975077l/43800661._SY75_.jpg|68151628] and [b:The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love|17601|The Will to Change Men, Masculinity, and Love|bell hooks|https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1348452379l/17601._SY75_.jpg|881777]. I do believe that in The Will to Change, bell hooks made good points and the cultural movement described is an important one, but this book provides a sort of 'reality check' or another side of the issue. Together with See What You Made Me Do, these books give a lot of insight into the problems with masculinity and men.
I gave it a 4, not a 5, because this is meant as a guidebook/workbook for abused women but I was looking for an analysis or explanation to the question of, 'why do men abuse'. It had already occurred to me that the key issue with men who are violent and aggressive is that they are entitled. I was also thinking about Sue Klebold's son, Dylan Klebold's violence (he left behind multiple notes suggesting that he felt rejected by some girl). The author here also mentions very briefly that toxic masculinity is likely motivating these killers. I wish I could find some books that are well researched and talk about how to deescalate dangerous misogynists that are popping up everywhere now - 4chan, incels, shooters, the men who kill their wives or ex-girlfriends....
Anyway, I digressed. This gets a 4 because this is a workbook, so it repeats a lot of the same points multiple times. But it still contained a lot of very useful information to understanding the issue of domestic violence, misogyny and male rage:
- Abuse (and misogyny) are a result of value and beliefs, not mental illness or emotional dysfunction. These men are sane. They act brutally because of what they believe
- Abusive men aren't abusive because they are angry or have anger issues, they are angry because they are abusers and have entitled and misogynistic attitudes. Many people who get angry in arguments don't abuse their partners
- Abuse is always about power and control
- Abuse dynamics cannot be resolved through therapy, couples or individual, or the man focusing on himself and his feelings as it encourages the man to continue his self-centredness, control and power issues and entitlement
- The most effective way to make abusive men change is when the community (friends, family or legal system) holds him accountable for his actions and demands for him to change and be better. Motivation in the beginning is always extrinsic (makes me think of Know My Name and the reason domestic violence is absolutely rampant)
Special mention that I loved how kind the author was toward victims, and how he always made attempts to center the needs and experiences of the victims.
Lastly, I loved the chapter about how the abusive men shapes family dynamics. The nuances of each child's response and dynamic with their sibling and parent is really insightful. I wish there was a whole book about this section.
I gave it a 4, not a 5, because this is meant as a guidebook/workbook for abused women but I was looking for an analysis or explanation to the question of, 'why do men abuse'. It had already occurred to me that the key issue with men who are violent and aggressive is that they are entitled. I was also thinking about Sue Klebold's son, Dylan Klebold's violence (he left behind multiple notes suggesting that he felt rejected by some girl). The author here also mentions very briefly that toxic masculinity is likely motivating these killers. I wish I could find some books that are well researched and talk about how to deescalate dangerous misogynists that are popping up everywhere now - 4chan, incels, shooters, the men who kill their wives or ex-girlfriends....
Anyway, I digressed. This gets a 4 because this is a workbook, so it repeats a lot of the same points multiple times. But it still contained a lot of very useful information to understanding the issue of domestic violence, misogyny and male rage:
- Abuse (and misogyny) are a result of value and beliefs, not mental illness or emotional dysfunction. These men are sane. They act brutally because of what they believe
- Abusive men aren't abusive because they are angry or have anger issues, they are angry because they are abusers and have entitled and misogynistic attitudes. Many people who get angry in arguments don't abuse their partners
- Abuse is always about power and control
- Abuse dynamics cannot be resolved through therapy, couples or individual, or the man focusing on himself and his feelings as it encourages the man to continue his self-centredness, control and power issues and entitlement
- The most effective way to make abusive men change is when the community (friends, family or legal system) holds him accountable for his actions and demands for him to change and be better. Motivation in the beginning is always extrinsic (makes me think of Know My Name and the reason domestic violence is absolutely rampant)
Special mention that I loved how kind the author was toward victims, and how he always made attempts to center the needs and experiences of the victims.
Lastly, I loved the chapter about how the abusive men shapes family dynamics. The nuances of each child's response and dynamic with their sibling and parent is really insightful. I wish there was a whole book about this section.
bittertea's review against another edition
5.0
I wished I read this a long time ago. It addresses every last excuse and misconception of abuse. It's well-articulated and compassionate and I am incredibly grateful it exists.
partiatwork's review against another edition
Phew! Okay so there's a lot to unpack in this book. It was a GRIM read, especially figuring out my own feelings about some people I could recognize were abusers in my circle.
The Author, Lundy Bancroft has laid out the content in a logical manner, covering quite a bit of ground from the grassroot reasons, to the role of families and friends in abuse, from how to get out safely to how to approach the courts for justice. I was especially interested in the aspects our society encourages abuse.
Although the situation is slightly better now, I come from a society that encourages covering up abuse to protect "family honor". Stalking women= he's in love with you. "He's mean to you because he likes you, silly!"." If I had beaten you when you were growing up, you'd have turned out right". "She's a wayward girl, she thinks she's independent ". I could go on and on. And of course the abuse isn't just limited to women, there are men and children who bear the brunt too.
Just like almost anything else in life, abuse doesn't mean a set criteria that automatically makes people abusers. It's a continuum spectrum, with the physical batterers on one side, and the occasionally - demeaning - remarks people on the other end. As a result, the smaller actions are often trivialised, to absolve people of their deeds. "He gets angry, otherwise he's a good dad.""He's stressed by his job, he can take it out only on us".
The abusers typically hate to lose control of their victims. Hence, any attempts to get out of his leash is met with retaliation from his side. "She's crazy, she tries to brainwash kids to take her side". Control is such an important part of these tendencies. A man/woman can control their spouse by being physically intimidating or emotionally manipulative. This is how they can keep the power in the relationship. Now if the victim doesn't work, cannot be independent or have children this further adds to the imbalance in the relationship. These reasons can and will be used against the victims.
One significant point this book makes: As an outsider trying to help, never force someone in an abusive relationship to leave. The victim is the only one who knows the dynamics and only he/she can take a call on that. Make an effort to support them as long as they are ready.
I could go on and on, but for the sake of my sanity I will stop here.
The good points: the author has not only mentioned about women abusers, but also abusers in same-sex relationships. I feel being in the year 2020, this is the extent of awareness one should aim for. The topics covered are in depth and fulfills my need for information and context. I felt the tone of the book was strong headed, maybe to reinforce the danger the women who are in such a situation,are in, or maybe because I didn't have any physical batterers for reference in real life while reading this book. Although I felt this book made some good points, there were some points which I felt didn't exactly sit well with me. For example, the author says, over a period of 15-20 years, they have worked with thousands of Individuals, hence anything they have learnt in that time is the ultimate truth. Which I feel slightly cynical about. Although there is a extensive resource of programs and books one can peruse in the book, there is a lack of proper citations. And lastly, the book was published in 2002, and requires an updated version. I understand this isn't their fault per se, but it would be interesting to note how their content could adapt to our present context.
Lastly, my judgement is clouded by my feelings towards such people, thus I will not rate this book atm.
The Author, Lundy Bancroft has laid out the content in a logical manner, covering quite a bit of ground from the grassroot reasons, to the role of families and friends in abuse, from how to get out safely to how to approach the courts for justice. I was especially interested in the aspects our society encourages abuse.
Although the situation is slightly better now, I come from a society that encourages covering up abuse to protect "family honor". Stalking women= he's in love with you. "He's mean to you because he likes you, silly!"." If I had beaten you when you were growing up, you'd have turned out right". "She's a wayward girl, she thinks she's independent ". I could go on and on. And of course the abuse isn't just limited to women, there are men and children who bear the brunt too.
Just like almost anything else in life, abuse doesn't mean a set criteria that automatically makes people abusers. It's a continuum spectrum, with the physical batterers on one side, and the occasionally - demeaning - remarks people on the other end. As a result, the smaller actions are often trivialised, to absolve people of their deeds. "He gets angry, otherwise he's a good dad.""He's stressed by his job, he can take it out only on us".
The abusers typically hate to lose control of their victims. Hence, any attempts to get out of his leash is met with retaliation from his side. "She's crazy, she tries to brainwash kids to take her side". Control is such an important part of these tendencies. A man/woman can control their spouse by being physically intimidating or emotionally manipulative. This is how they can keep the power in the relationship. Now if the victim doesn't work, cannot be independent or have children this further adds to the imbalance in the relationship. These reasons can and will be used against the victims.
One significant point this book makes: As an outsider trying to help, never force someone in an abusive relationship to leave. The victim is the only one who knows the dynamics and only he/she can take a call on that. Make an effort to support them as long as they are ready.
I could go on and on, but for the sake of my sanity I will stop here.
The good points: the author has not only mentioned about women abusers, but also abusers in same-sex relationships. I feel being in the year 2020, this is the extent of awareness one should aim for. The topics covered are in depth and fulfills my need for information and context. I felt the tone of the book was strong headed, maybe to reinforce the danger the women who are in such a situation,are in, or maybe because I didn't have any physical batterers for reference in real life while reading this book. Although I felt this book made some good points, there were some points which I felt didn't exactly sit well with me. For example, the author says, over a period of 15-20 years, they have worked with thousands of Individuals, hence anything they have learnt in that time is the ultimate truth. Which I feel slightly cynical about. Although there is a extensive resource of programs and books one can peruse in the book, there is a lack of proper citations. And lastly, the book was published in 2002, and requires an updated version. I understand this isn't their fault per se, but it would be interesting to note how their content could adapt to our present context.
Lastly, my judgement is clouded by my feelings towards such people, thus I will not rate this book atm.