emilygrujic's review against another edition
4.0
If anyone wants to read up on adult attachment theory (and you totally should!), this book is very accessible and such a great introduction!!!
gyarados's review against another edition
3.0
therapist here! i'm not going to say anything that hasn't already been said ... but PLEASE read more than just this book if trying to learn more about you or your partners' attachment styles. this book misrepresents attachment theory in the following ways:
- avoidant attachments are NOT villains nor people to adamantly avoid
- no one "is" an anxious or avoidant attachment; these different styles show up differently in every relationship and fluctuate naturally throughout life despite traumas from childhood. i.e., someone could be anxious in one relationship or even in one particular pattern of conflict in a relationship and avoidant in another, or can switch between the two without any self-work
- anxious and avoidant partners CAN coexist in relationships and should not be avoided as a rule; if both partners know whats up, these troubles can become less of a halting force
so, yeah, not a bad book, i actually found myself learning a lot about myself despite the amount of other rhetoric i've read on attachment theory, BUT please read other resources as well to get a more well-rounded depiction
- avoidant attachments are NOT villains nor people to adamantly avoid
- no one "is" an anxious or avoidant attachment; these different styles show up differently in every relationship and fluctuate naturally throughout life despite traumas from childhood. i.e., someone could be anxious in one relationship or even in one particular pattern of conflict in a relationship and avoidant in another, or can switch between the two without any self-work
- anxious and avoidant partners CAN coexist in relationships and should not be avoided as a rule; if both partners know whats up, these troubles can become less of a halting force
so, yeah, not a bad book, i actually found myself learning a lot about myself despite the amount of other rhetoric i've read on attachment theory, BUT please read other resources as well to get a more well-rounded depiction
leah_shufelt's review against another edition
2.0
Circle jerk for anxious attached ppl.
There is nothing scientific about a science with built in bias, it was clear that the author of this book had his ideas about the morals and behaviour of ALL avoidant attached people and summarized it as a Disney villain level of evil and abusive.
I have so many thoughts but I don’t really want to get into every instance that this book disappointed me.
If this topic and field of study interests you and you also had problems with this book pls pls pls check out
Andrew Huberman PhD
He has a podcast and is a very well respected scientist and scholar who talks about attachment theory in an accessible way. :)
There is nothing scientific about a science with built in bias, it was clear that the author of this book had his ideas about the morals and behaviour of ALL avoidant attached people and summarized it as a Disney villain level of evil and abusive.
I have so many thoughts but I don’t really want to get into every instance that this book disappointed me.
If this topic and field of study interests you and you also had problems with this book pls pls pls check out
Andrew Huberman PhD
He has a podcast and is a very well respected scientist and scholar who talks about attachment theory in an accessible way. :)
kfrederici's review against another edition
5.0
5 stars! I learned so much about my past and current relationships in this book. Several of my past relationships were avoidant, and it all makes more sense now. I will continue to study this topic of adult attachment styles!
angechen's review against another edition
4.0
book was made for those with anxious attachment styles (and those with secure ones trying to understand other styles), so for me, it was incredibly validating.
ngl, some of the anxious-avoidant relationship examples sounded emotionally abusive & unacceptable regardless of security, but I suppose the point is to communicate needs early and leave if these needs stay unmet
some fun quotes
“Attachment principles teach us that most people are only as needy as their unmet needs. When their emotional needs are met, and the earlier the better, they usually turn their attention outward. This is sometimes referred to in attachment literature as the “dependency paradox”: The more effectively dependent people are on one another, the more independent and daring they become.”
“When you meet someone new, the probability that they have an avoidant attachment style is high—much higher than their relative size in the population—25 percent. Not only are they recycled back into the dating pool more quickly, but they are not dating one another (at least not for long), nor are they dating secure people, that much because secures are less available. Who are they meeting? That’s right: You and other potential partners with an anxious attachment style.”