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thaurisil's review against another edition
5.0
This book was recommended to us by our pastor during our Marriage Preparation Course, and my husband and I read it together, slowly, over a period of 6 months before and 6 months after our wedding. We found it very helpful in developing a biblical, often counter-cultural, perspective of what to expect in marriage and what God's purpose for marriage is.
The book explores the unbiblical attitudes towards marriage that are common in the world, and describes the attitude that Christians should have. It explains that we don't know who we marry - partly because we can never know a person fully before we marry, and partly because the person we marry will change and soon we find ourselves married to a stranger. Our response shouldn't be cohabitation - for people change - or divorce. Our response is to decide to love. We have to love even when we don't feel loving, for love is merely an emotion, but a decision. Jesus loved us at our most unlovable, and therefore we are to love our spouse the same way.
In talking about previous generations' expectations of marriage, the book says this: "At one time we expected marriage and family to provide love, support, and security. But for meaning in life, hope for the future, moral compass, and self-identity we looked to God and the afterlife." It goes on to talk about how this has changed in the modern world. But it is the past that is right. Expecting our spouse to be able to fulfil all our needs only leads to disappointment in marriage. As the book says, only God can fill a God-shaped hole. A couple must start with each person having individual relationships with God. Only when their tanks are filled with the glory and love of God and they are individually sure of their value and purpose in God can they let their tanks overflow and find significance and meaning with each other. In order to love each other, we have to love God first. God and not our spouse has to be our central pillar, and our spouse is our partner in our journey towards seeking a deeper relationship with God.
Many people have an idea that an ideal spouse is one who will accept us for who we are and to whom marriage will not require us to change any of our habits. We want marriage to be easy. But marriage is difficult and requires much from us, and such ideals result in disillusionment. The book calls us to start from a place of self-sacrificial giving to each other without expecting anything in return, finding joy in the giving and knowing that we have all we need from God.
The most eye-opening concept for me was about the purpose of marriage. This book says the purpose of marriage is to help each other encounter our future glory-selves. It gives the analogy of a cloudy day when the clouds momentarily part to reveal a breath-taking sight, before rolling in again a few hours later.
"The old self is crippled with anxieties, the need to prove yourself, bad habits you can't break, and many besetting sins and entrenched character flaws. The new self is still you, but you liberated from all your sins and flaws. This new self is always a work of progress, and sometimes the clouds of the old self make it almost completely invisible. But sometimes the clouds really part, and you see the wisdom, courage, and love of which you are capable. It is a glimpse of where you are going."
God is doing a great thing in each of our lives. The purpose of marriage is for each of us to be a vehicle whereby both of us will one day stand before God beautiful and spotless. We are able to do that because in marriage, we know our spouse so deeply intimately that our praise can truly make them believe themselves worthy, and our criticisms are felt more deeply than other people's criticisms. And if we ever feel dissatisfied and start looking for someone better than our spouse, that person is the spouse we already have. When we stick with our spouse we will have the privilege of seeing glimpses of their future glory-self.
The book also explores the differences between men and women and what each gender can bring to the marriage, and how the relationship helps each person improve their relationship with others. It ends with chapters on singleness and sex, crucial to any comprehensive book on marriage.
The epilogue quotes George Herbert's poem "Love (III)". It explains the poem: Love, an innkeeper, who sees a guest hesitating just inside the doorway, asks what he lacks. "The guest answers that he does indeed lack something important - the very worthiness to be loved. His host replies, with realism but confidence, that he intends to bring that worthiness about. He doesn't love the guest because he is lovely but to make him lovely."
That is marital love. Jesus loved us at our unloveliest, and made us lovely. We love not because our spouse is lovely, but so we can make our spouse worthy of love.
The book explores the unbiblical attitudes towards marriage that are common in the world, and describes the attitude that Christians should have. It explains that we don't know who we marry - partly because we can never know a person fully before we marry, and partly because the person we marry will change and soon we find ourselves married to a stranger. Our response shouldn't be cohabitation - for people change - or divorce. Our response is to decide to love. We have to love even when we don't feel loving, for love is merely an emotion, but a decision. Jesus loved us at our most unlovable, and therefore we are to love our spouse the same way.
In talking about previous generations' expectations of marriage, the book says this: "At one time we expected marriage and family to provide love, support, and security. But for meaning in life, hope for the future, moral compass, and self-identity we looked to God and the afterlife." It goes on to talk about how this has changed in the modern world. But it is the past that is right. Expecting our spouse to be able to fulfil all our needs only leads to disappointment in marriage. As the book says, only God can fill a God-shaped hole. A couple must start with each person having individual relationships with God. Only when their tanks are filled with the glory and love of God and they are individually sure of their value and purpose in God can they let their tanks overflow and find significance and meaning with each other. In order to love each other, we have to love God first. God and not our spouse has to be our central pillar, and our spouse is our partner in our journey towards seeking a deeper relationship with God.
Many people have an idea that an ideal spouse is one who will accept us for who we are and to whom marriage will not require us to change any of our habits. We want marriage to be easy. But marriage is difficult and requires much from us, and such ideals result in disillusionment. The book calls us to start from a place of self-sacrificial giving to each other without expecting anything in return, finding joy in the giving and knowing that we have all we need from God.
The most eye-opening concept for me was about the purpose of marriage. This book says the purpose of marriage is to help each other encounter our future glory-selves. It gives the analogy of a cloudy day when the clouds momentarily part to reveal a breath-taking sight, before rolling in again a few hours later.
"The old self is crippled with anxieties, the need to prove yourself, bad habits you can't break, and many besetting sins and entrenched character flaws. The new self is still you, but you liberated from all your sins and flaws. This new self is always a work of progress, and sometimes the clouds of the old self make it almost completely invisible. But sometimes the clouds really part, and you see the wisdom, courage, and love of which you are capable. It is a glimpse of where you are going."
God is doing a great thing in each of our lives. The purpose of marriage is for each of us to be a vehicle whereby both of us will one day stand before God beautiful and spotless. We are able to do that because in marriage, we know our spouse so deeply intimately that our praise can truly make them believe themselves worthy, and our criticisms are felt more deeply than other people's criticisms. And if we ever feel dissatisfied and start looking for someone better than our spouse, that person is the spouse we already have. When we stick with our spouse we will have the privilege of seeing glimpses of their future glory-self.
The book also explores the differences between men and women and what each gender can bring to the marriage, and how the relationship helps each person improve their relationship with others. It ends with chapters on singleness and sex, crucial to any comprehensive book on marriage.
The epilogue quotes George Herbert's poem "Love (III)". It explains the poem: Love, an innkeeper, who sees a guest hesitating just inside the doorway, asks what he lacks. "The guest answers that he does indeed lack something important - the very worthiness to be loved. His host replies, with realism but confidence, that he intends to bring that worthiness about. He doesn't love the guest because he is lovely but to make him lovely."
That is marital love. Jesus loved us at our unloveliest, and made us lovely. We love not because our spouse is lovely, but so we can make our spouse worthy of love.
rekiyomi's review against another edition
I read a bit from a religious friend and it was too god heavy for someone who is an atheist
tjbryant519's review against another edition
3.0
The book had some points that truly merit me rating this higher than I did, particularly The Essence and Mission of marriage. However, Keller is markedly more conservative than I and I found some chapters largely unhelpful. I felt like the book largely started by trying to convict others, which left me with a bad taste in my mouth. I found the chapter on sex largely a repetition from what Christian culture has always been saying. The chapter on gender roles also seemed a repetition of conservation Christian culture.
All in all a good read, but I might recommend select chapters to friends rather than the entire work depending on where they are at.
All in all a good read, but I might recommend select chapters to friends rather than the entire work depending on where they are at.
laura_weisbrod's review against another edition
Took 6 months to read it and o my made it halfway, will try again later
johanbos's review against another edition
4.0
Well worth reading if you are planning on getting married.
abbyyyyyyyyyy's review against another edition
emotional
hopeful
informative
inspiring
medium-paced
4.5
Great perspective on marriage in the modern world! A little slow in some parts but I really appreciated Tim and Kathy’s take on servant leadership and sacrificing for the other.