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variskatolla's review against another edition
I found out in the middle of reading this book that one of the authors (Veaux) has abused multiple women, including, as far as I understand, the other author. This soured the book for me as I don't want to take advice in relationships from an abuser. I think there were some good things in the book, eg. explaining non violent communication and active listening. However, and I do think this would come through even without the knowledge about the authors, I feel some stuff in it was somewhat callous - as in, the vibe is that you are not ever responsible for your partners' feelings even if you did something to hurt them.
daeus's review
4.0
Really fascinating insights into relationships of all forms and varieties.
Quotes
- "If we make others responsible for our emotions, we introduce coercion into the relationship, and coercion erodes consent."
- "One way to damage a relationship is to believe that your sense or self or self worth comes from your partner or being in a relationship. If you constantly seek reinforcement of your worth from your partner, your partner becomes your source of worth, rather than your equal. This kind of codependence is exhausting for your partner and destructive for you. This is especially likely to happen if you have trouble setting boundaries. Fuzzy boundaries can lead to a loss of self identity and an inability to tell where you self and your responsibility to set your own boundaries ends and your partner begins."
- "An empowered relationship is not necessarily one in which everyone has equal power, rather is one in which no one is disempowered, intentionally or unintentionall by hierarchical structure. Empowerment is not equality....a more rational take on equality might mean that everyone has equal power to choose how they run their lives."
- "Gratitude is a powerful shield against jealous and fear."
- "If you feel an unexpected negative emotion, say so calmly and clearly, be willing to set boundaries without having a temper tantrum... remember it's only by playing nicely that you get to play again. Its better to end feeling there is more you wanted to do than you went too far."
Quotes
- "If we make others responsible for our emotions, we introduce coercion into the relationship, and coercion erodes consent."
- "One way to damage a relationship is to believe that your sense or self or self worth comes from your partner or being in a relationship. If you constantly seek reinforcement of your worth from your partner, your partner becomes your source of worth, rather than your equal. This kind of codependence is exhausting for your partner and destructive for you. This is especially likely to happen if you have trouble setting boundaries. Fuzzy boundaries can lead to a loss of self identity and an inability to tell where you self and your responsibility to set your own boundaries ends and your partner begins."
- "An empowered relationship is not necessarily one in which everyone has equal power, rather is one in which no one is disempowered, intentionally or unintentionall by hierarchical structure. Empowerment is not equality....a more rational take on equality might mean that everyone has equal power to choose how they run their lives."
- "Gratitude is a powerful shield against jealous and fear."
- "If you feel an unexpected negative emotion, say so calmly and clearly, be willing to set boundaries without having a temper tantrum... remember it's only by playing nicely that you get to play again. Its better to end feeling there is more you wanted to do than you went too far."
crevicesz's review
informative
slow-paced
3.0
Obviously there are issues with one of the authors but unfortunately this book is one of the few that goes into some specific topics a bit more thoroughly than most other intro type books and is still useful. Definitely a starry-eyed view of polyamory and idealistic in some senses that ring similar to The Ethical Slut, but definitely preferable to that text. All in all useful, can't justify giving more stars because of Franklin / some of the Pollyanna-ish takes / lack of queer and cultural analyses. Also definitely outdated to a degree. I'd probably recommend reading a few other more nuanced books (loved Polywise) first
karend's review
As I've widened my social circle in retirement, I've met some people who are poly. Picked up this book to get more insight into that style of relationship. I found it slow going to read, then found some postings online about abuse allegations against the male co-author, so put it down for quite a while. Finally decided to finish it because it seems to be a foundational text in the area.
femily's review
5.0
Update———————
There are MANY #metoo allegations against one of the authors (Franklin Veaux) which you can read here:
https://www.itrippedonthepolystair.com/
Original review ——————
I gave this 5 stars because more than any other open/polyam book it is a THOROUGH GUIDE with real life examples and a huge focus on doing the inner work to be good + ethical at love + communications.
I’m much kinder + smarter because of it.
I gave it 5 stars because I want more books like it recommended to me.
But it falls FLAT in terms of NEVER addressing race and only vaguely and oddly addressing queer polyamory.
FYI: It’s also kinda DATED.
But it’s still the most thorough guide so I’m taking what I can get in 2022.
There are MANY #metoo allegations against one of the authors (Franklin Veaux) which you can read here:
https://www.itrippedonthepolystair.com/
Original review ——————
I gave this 5 stars because more than any other open/polyam book it is a THOROUGH GUIDE with real life examples and a huge focus on doing the inner work to be good + ethical at love + communications.
I’m much kinder + smarter because of it.
I gave it 5 stars because I want more books like it recommended to me.
But it falls FLAT in terms of NEVER addressing race and only vaguely and oddly addressing queer polyamory.
FYI: It’s also kinda DATED.
But it’s still the most thorough guide so I’m taking what I can get in 2022.
toyajwilliams's review
3.0
I thought this was brilliant and really comprehensive - but as I was halfway through I came across information about Franklin that makes it hard for me to give it 5 stars. He’s the complete antithesis of what he preaches which makes it hard for me to really believe what I’ve read. Still, I’d recommend this book to anyone interested in poly.
clairekatb's review
4.0
I listened to the audio book and I think I would have rathered read the book to help me focus more on the content. That being said it is a really informative book on polyamory and the complexity of relationships in general and gives good insight into the importance of communication all round.