A review by breadcrumbz
Unworthy: How to Stop Hating Yourself by Anneli Rufus
2.0
Anneli Rufus begins her writing from the central premise that all self loathing stems from "spell-casters," or other people who undermined our self confidence. Her method of regaining self respect is to return to a time when you did not hate yourself (probably aged 3-5) and build yourself up from there. Unworthy: How to Stop Hating Yourself starts off strong enough, with promises to explore the nature of self loathing and use this knowledge to help readers find a middle place between self hate and narcissism. However, Unworthy's flaws soon overwhelm its strengths, and I struggled to finish it.
I had four main problems with this book: 1. the millennial problem, 2. the mother, 3. too many quotes, 4. highly coddling.
I won't spend too long trying to lay out my problems, but
1. The vicious way she discusses millennials was really jarring. Anecdote after anecdote urged the reader to remember and respect the humanity of ourselves. And others, I had assumed. But apparently not if they were born after 1980, since the one story about a millennial was written with real venom. I actually gasped at loud at the sheer venom in this description of a college student on a train: "The strappy skintight top and short shorts she is wearing do not flatter her. I think she does not realize this. It's not like some people who know that certain outfits do not flatter them but wear those outfits anyway, rebelliously. I think she really does not know." The rest of the anecdote is so ludicrous I have a hard time believing it actually happens. This story opens the chapter that Rufus uses to explain some of her pet theories about millennials and their narcissism. It's pretty clear she did not expect young people to read this book.
2. Towards the end this book reads much more like a deep dive into the author's relationship with her mother, told irritatingly in the second person, than the general exploration of self-hatred informed by the author's experiences I had been promised in the beginning. Rufus's mother is often used as a model of someone with self hatred. Because she clearly had very complicated mental health problems and abused Rufus, I don't think this was a good choice.
3. Way too many celebrity quotes/stories taken (stolen?) from interviews/memoirs. These felt so shallow! Occasional illuminating quotes sprinkled in here and there might have been appropriate, but using the stories of celebrities alongside anecdotes she collected from friends felt like filler. Especially quotes from figures like Gandhi, who hurt many women in his life and was a known anti-African racist. We're supposed to be shocked that even Gandhi could have struggled with self hatred.
4. Finally, I resented the constant coddling. Rufus's book depends on the idea that none of her readers are committed genocide. Maybe not, but most have done things they still regret. Their self hatred might be rational, but an unhelpful way to deal with the pain they've caused.
Overall, this was not the book for me. I didn't want a self help book, but I did want a more thoughtful exploration of self hatred than I got.
I had four main problems with this book: 1. the millennial problem, 2. the mother, 3. too many quotes, 4. highly coddling.
I won't spend too long trying to lay out my problems, but
1. The vicious way she discusses millennials was really jarring. Anecdote after anecdote urged the reader to remember and respect the humanity of ourselves. And others, I had assumed. But apparently not if they were born after 1980, since the one story about a millennial was written with real venom. I actually gasped at loud at the sheer venom in this description of a college student on a train: "The strappy skintight top and short shorts she is wearing do not flatter her. I think she does not realize this. It's not like some people who know that certain outfits do not flatter them but wear those outfits anyway, rebelliously. I think she really does not know." The rest of the anecdote is so ludicrous I have a hard time believing it actually happens. This story opens the chapter that Rufus uses to explain some of her pet theories about millennials and their narcissism. It's pretty clear she did not expect young people to read this book.
2. Towards the end this book reads much more like a deep dive into the author's relationship with her mother, told irritatingly in the second person, than the general exploration of self-hatred informed by the author's experiences I had been promised in the beginning. Rufus's mother is often used as a model of someone with self hatred. Because she clearly had very complicated mental health problems and abused Rufus, I don't think this was a good choice.
3. Way too many celebrity quotes/stories taken (stolen?) from interviews/memoirs. These felt so shallow! Occasional illuminating quotes sprinkled in here and there might have been appropriate, but using the stories of celebrities alongside anecdotes she collected from friends felt like filler. Especially quotes from figures like Gandhi, who hurt many women in his life and was a known anti-African racist. We're supposed to be shocked that even Gandhi could have struggled with self hatred.
4. Finally, I resented the constant coddling. Rufus's book depends on the idea that none of her readers are committed genocide. Maybe not, but most have done things they still regret. Their self hatred might be rational, but an unhelpful way to deal with the pain they've caused.
Overall, this was not the book for me. I didn't want a self help book, but I did want a more thoughtful exploration of self hatred than I got.