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Why Have Kids?: A New Mom Explores the Truth About Parenting and Happiness by Jessica Valenti
alexisrt's review against another edition
3.0
I'd like to give it 2.5 stars. It's not bad, but it doesn't really cover any new ground. Valenti sums up a bunch of blog posts and articles I'd already read. She gets in some nice zingers against the natural brigade, though I think she could probably have done a little more looking at birth and not credulously quoted Jennifer Block.
Quibble: she misquotes Mayim Bialik. I hate to do this because I loathe her, but her quote about home birth and evolution is trimmed. The full quote has her saying she doesn't subscribe to it, but "some people think..." It's one quote, and I didn't go checking all the quotes in the book, but I remember that one from the Internet fuss and checked it.
breevee's review against another edition
4.0
I picked up this book expecting a kind of weighing of pros and cons of parenthood, but instead Valenti examines parenthood and specifically motherhood within its sociopolitical context, revealing that many of the cons of parenting--the demoralizing pressure to be all things to your baby, the assumption that all aspects of your identity and personality must be subsumed into the identity of "mother", the straining and failure of marriages, the taboo regret that one entered motherhood in the first place--are largely the product of societal expectations and messaging, not an innate part of parenthood.
I found this book immensely helpful not just to be aware of the social and systemic problems new parents face, but also to identify some of the abstract and intangible fear that comes with the prospect of parenthood, and the tools to confront and deal with it.
I found this book immensely helpful not just to be aware of the social and systemic problems new parents face, but also to identify some of the abstract and intangible fear that comes with the prospect of parenthood, and the tools to confront and deal with it.
tani's review against another edition
4.0
I am almost hesitant to say this, but we are thinking of trying to have a child in the near future, so this was an eyeopener for me. There were a lot of issues I hadn't thought of before, as parenthood has not been high on my list of things to do. I definitely have some new things to think of.
lspargo's review against another edition
3.0
I was curious about the answer to the question the title of this book poses, but she didn't really answer the question. Instead, the book examines what it's like to be a parent today, specifically a mother, with all the pressures and expectations. In the description of the book she quotes a 2010 survey of new parents who were asked why they had their first child. 90% of them answered, "for the joy of raising children." Yet studies show that parents today are the unhappiest they've ever been. The author examines why this is, and backs it all up with studies and ancecdotes, and brings up some very interesting points.
joyejenkins's review against another edition
2.0
"This obsession with parenthood as a given, and women as mothers-in-waiting, reveals something central about American parenthood. We don’t have a choice. Parenting is simply something everyone—women especially—is supposed to do. Since such a huge decision is seen as inevitable, and not a decision at all, it makes sense that everything related to parenthood becomes a question, a choice, an all-important decision to be fretted over."
==========
"For those who aren’t sure if they want children, there’s very little room for error or space for conversation and consideration. Your chances of getting pregnant each month when you’re thirty years old is about 20 percent, by the time you’re forty years old your chances have plummeted to 5 percent. You have six months to try before most medical associations will recommend that you see an infertility specialist. Women who would like to spend time weighing their options are told they don’t have the luxury."
==========
"When (or if) we do have kids, we not only have to worry about keeping them entertained, stimulated, educated, and happy at all times, but we have to relay to the world around us that parenting is the best decision we ever made, no matter how hard or draining it is. Even if we’re running on two hours of sleep, if our nipples are raw from using a breast pump, or if we haven’t been able to urinate without a child looking on in over two years, we smile through it, assuring our child-free friends that not only is it worth it but that we’re happier than we’ve ever been in our lives. The truth, of course, is very different."
==========
"Nearly every study done in the last ten years on parental happiness shows a marked decline in the life satisfaction of those with kids."
==========
"This isn’t to say that parents don’t love their kids or find joy in raising them. Of course we do. It’s an incredible, unparalleled experience. But we also tend to add a happy gloss over our lives as parents because to discuss the hardships is considered whiny, ungrateful, or—in some circles where parenting has become a competition—as losing. We put on a brave face and make jokes about the sleepless nights, the lack of sex, and the baby puke smell that is now in all of our good shirts."
==========
"Today, parenthood has become less about raising productive citizens than it is about creating someone to love us unconditionally, someone on which to focus all of our energy and love. The enormity of that expectation not only leaves unhappy parents wondering why they’re not swooning over their children, but it is also creating a generation of young people who think the world revolves around them."
==========
"Gilbert says it’s not so much that children don’t make you happy—they do bring joy into people’s lives—it’s that kids also “crowd out” other sources of happiness."
==========
"We must believe that parenting is the most rewarding, the hardest, and the most important thing we will ever do. Because if we don’t believe it, then the diaper changing, the mind-numbing Dora watching, the puke cleaning, and the “complete self-sacrifice” that we’re “locked in for life to” is all for nothing. We must believe it because the truth is just too damn depressing."
==========
"if we want to take some joy in that experience, we need to let go of the notion that we are the only ones who can do it correctly, and that if we are doing it right, it should mean some sort of suffering or tremendous self-sacrifice."
==========
"I think it’s smart to plan how parenting will fit into our lives; I simply don’t think that it needs to be the centerpiece of who we are and what we do."
==========
"The truth is, we can simultaneously love parenting, find it fulfilling and valuable, while also recognizing that the minutiae of our mothering isn’t as critical as society would have us believe. We can love our children without believing the world revolves around them. We can derive pleasure from caretaking without thinking it’s the most important thing we’ll ever do or the biggest contribution we’ll make to society. And we can be exhausted, overworked"
==========
"moms while still recognizing that there are plenty of other jobs that are harder, and yes, even more important. Because when we see parenting for what it is—a relationship, not a job—we can free ourselves from the expectations and the stifling standards that motherhood-as-employment demands."
==========
"The expectation of total motherhood is bad enough, having to live it out every day is soul crushing. Everything that made us an individual, that made us unique, no longer matters. It’s our role as a mother that defines us. Not much has changed."
==========
"American culture can’t accept the reality of a woman who does not want to be a mother. It goes against everything we’ve been taught to think about women and how desperately they want babies. If we’re to believe the media and pop culture, women—even teen girls—are forever desperate for a baby. It’s our greatest desire. The truth that parents “experience lower levels of emotional well-being, less frequent positive emotions and more frequent negative emotions than their childless peers. In fact, no group of parents—married, single, step, or even empty nest—reported significantly greater emotional well-being than people who never had children,” she said. “It’s such a counterintuitive finding because we have these cultural beliefs that children are the key to happiness and a healthy life, and they’re not.”"
==========
Scott conducted a study over the course of two years of child-free women. (Many prefer to call themselves “child-free” as opposed to “childless” as the latter implies an absence or void of something whereas “child-free” is a more positive term.) Of the respondents, 74 percent said they “had no desire to have a child, no maternal instinct.” Other reasons given for not wanting children: loving the relationship they were in “as it is,” valuing “freedom and independence,” not wanting to take on the responsibility of raising a child, the desire to focus time and energy “on my own interests, needs and goals,” and wanting to accomplish “things in life that would be difficult to do if I was a parent.”
==========
"Biology aside, it’s still women who do the majority of parenting and caretaking, and it’s women whose lives change the most when a child comes along. We’re the ones who are more likely to take time off from work, if we don’t stop working entirely; we’re the ones who do the majority of the domestic work, care work, mental work (are there enough diapers? when was his last doctor’s appointment?); and women are more likely to pay the economic price of having a family."
==========
"But higher degrees can also mean a higher level of success level at work, and with more responsibilities in public life, domestic duties or choices can be overwhelming. That may be one of the reasons why women who are high up on the corporate ladder, or in public service, are more likely to be child free—in part by choice, but also by circumstance."
==========
"This disparity is not lost on women—who may decide that in order to succeed, they need to forgo or stall having children. It may also explain why women tend to be more accepting of childlessness than men—they understand why for some women, trying to “do it all” in an unjust system isn’t going to cut it."
==========
"Given the reality of unintended parenthood and parental unhappiness, one would think that women and men who make the decision not to have children—who are deliberate and thoughtful about the choice to bring another person into the world—would be seen as less selfish than those who unthinkingly have children. Yet the stigma remains."
==========
"So perhaps the tide is turning. “What I’m hoping is that we recognize that we do have a choice and we recognize that no matter what you choose, it’s entirely possible to have a fulfilling, rich, and purposeful life,” says Scott.
==========
"For those who aren’t sure if they want children, there’s very little room for error or space for conversation and consideration. Your chances of getting pregnant each month when you’re thirty years old is about 20 percent, by the time you’re forty years old your chances have plummeted to 5 percent. You have six months to try before most medical associations will recommend that you see an infertility specialist. Women who would like to spend time weighing their options are told they don’t have the luxury."
==========
"When (or if) we do have kids, we not only have to worry about keeping them entertained, stimulated, educated, and happy at all times, but we have to relay to the world around us that parenting is the best decision we ever made, no matter how hard or draining it is. Even if we’re running on two hours of sleep, if our nipples are raw from using a breast pump, or if we haven’t been able to urinate without a child looking on in over two years, we smile through it, assuring our child-free friends that not only is it worth it but that we’re happier than we’ve ever been in our lives. The truth, of course, is very different."
==========
"Nearly every study done in the last ten years on parental happiness shows a marked decline in the life satisfaction of those with kids."
==========
"This isn’t to say that parents don’t love their kids or find joy in raising them. Of course we do. It’s an incredible, unparalleled experience. But we also tend to add a happy gloss over our lives as parents because to discuss the hardships is considered whiny, ungrateful, or—in some circles where parenting has become a competition—as losing. We put on a brave face and make jokes about the sleepless nights, the lack of sex, and the baby puke smell that is now in all of our good shirts."
==========
"Today, parenthood has become less about raising productive citizens than it is about creating someone to love us unconditionally, someone on which to focus all of our energy and love. The enormity of that expectation not only leaves unhappy parents wondering why they’re not swooning over their children, but it is also creating a generation of young people who think the world revolves around them."
==========
"Gilbert says it’s not so much that children don’t make you happy—they do bring joy into people’s lives—it’s that kids also “crowd out” other sources of happiness."
==========
"We must believe that parenting is the most rewarding, the hardest, and the most important thing we will ever do. Because if we don’t believe it, then the diaper changing, the mind-numbing Dora watching, the puke cleaning, and the “complete self-sacrifice” that we’re “locked in for life to” is all for nothing. We must believe it because the truth is just too damn depressing."
==========
"if we want to take some joy in that experience, we need to let go of the notion that we are the only ones who can do it correctly, and that if we are doing it right, it should mean some sort of suffering or tremendous self-sacrifice."
==========
"I think it’s smart to plan how parenting will fit into our lives; I simply don’t think that it needs to be the centerpiece of who we are and what we do."
==========
"The truth is, we can simultaneously love parenting, find it fulfilling and valuable, while also recognizing that the minutiae of our mothering isn’t as critical as society would have us believe. We can love our children without believing the world revolves around them. We can derive pleasure from caretaking without thinking it’s the most important thing we’ll ever do or the biggest contribution we’ll make to society. And we can be exhausted, overworked"
==========
"moms while still recognizing that there are plenty of other jobs that are harder, and yes, even more important. Because when we see parenting for what it is—a relationship, not a job—we can free ourselves from the expectations and the stifling standards that motherhood-as-employment demands."
==========
"The expectation of total motherhood is bad enough, having to live it out every day is soul crushing. Everything that made us an individual, that made us unique, no longer matters. It’s our role as a mother that defines us. Not much has changed."
==========
"American culture can’t accept the reality of a woman who does not want to be a mother. It goes against everything we’ve been taught to think about women and how desperately they want babies. If we’re to believe the media and pop culture, women—even teen girls—are forever desperate for a baby. It’s our greatest desire. The truth that parents “experience lower levels of emotional well-being, less frequent positive emotions and more frequent negative emotions than their childless peers. In fact, no group of parents—married, single, step, or even empty nest—reported significantly greater emotional well-being than people who never had children,” she said. “It’s such a counterintuitive finding because we have these cultural beliefs that children are the key to happiness and a healthy life, and they’re not.”"
==========
Scott conducted a study over the course of two years of child-free women. (Many prefer to call themselves “child-free” as opposed to “childless” as the latter implies an absence or void of something whereas “child-free” is a more positive term.) Of the respondents, 74 percent said they “had no desire to have a child, no maternal instinct.” Other reasons given for not wanting children: loving the relationship they were in “as it is,” valuing “freedom and independence,” not wanting to take on the responsibility of raising a child, the desire to focus time and energy “on my own interests, needs and goals,” and wanting to accomplish “things in life that would be difficult to do if I was a parent.”
==========
"Biology aside, it’s still women who do the majority of parenting and caretaking, and it’s women whose lives change the most when a child comes along. We’re the ones who are more likely to take time off from work, if we don’t stop working entirely; we’re the ones who do the majority of the domestic work, care work, mental work (are there enough diapers? when was his last doctor’s appointment?); and women are more likely to pay the economic price of having a family."
==========
"But higher degrees can also mean a higher level of success level at work, and with more responsibilities in public life, domestic duties or choices can be overwhelming. That may be one of the reasons why women who are high up on the corporate ladder, or in public service, are more likely to be child free—in part by choice, but also by circumstance."
==========
"This disparity is not lost on women—who may decide that in order to succeed, they need to forgo or stall having children. It may also explain why women tend to be more accepting of childlessness than men—they understand why for some women, trying to “do it all” in an unjust system isn’t going to cut it."
==========
"Given the reality of unintended parenthood and parental unhappiness, one would think that women and men who make the decision not to have children—who are deliberate and thoughtful about the choice to bring another person into the world—would be seen as less selfish than those who unthinkingly have children. Yet the stigma remains."
==========
"So perhaps the tide is turning. “What I’m hoping is that we recognize that we do have a choice and we recognize that no matter what you choose, it’s entirely possible to have a fulfilling, rich, and purposeful life,” says Scott.
irishlibrarian's review against another edition
4.0
The author shares surprising research on happiness and kids while using anecdotal stories about the struggles of motherhood (and of those who decide not to have kids). Recommended to anyone who either 1.) Doesn't want kids or 2.) Has kids and feels like they aren't adequate parents.
rebecanunez's review against another edition
4.0
Muy interesante y gran punto de partida para generar discusión sobre el tema hijos. En algunas cosas me abrió los ojos, porque no había pensado las cosas de esa forma y en otros, reafirmo cosas que ya pensaba y creía. Lectura importante para mujeres, pero también para hombres. Sumamente necesario.
coralrose's review against another edition
3.0
Oh. I have SO many things to say.
There were some things about this book I really loved. Particularly, a comment of hers about people who don't vaccinate. While she was obviously pro-vaccination, she pointed out that it makes sense for moms especially to be skeptical of the medical community - after all, they just had children. She talks about the maternal mortality rate in the U.S. (it's horrible - it's safer in Kuwait than in the United States to give birth. Let that sink in.) When the medical community fails you at your most vulnerable, it makes sense that you will protect your most vulnerable family member from them.
There were other things that I really did not love. Valenti is a new mom - birthed her first child WHILE writing this book, and it obviously colored her approach and perspective. (Take, for example, her discussion of breastfeeding - she posits that babies who are breastfed are healthier because they have mothers with the time and support to breastfeed, not because they are breastfed. If they had done a study about women who formula fed who had similar jobs and time, I would probably have lent this more credibility.)
Also, I felt that Valenti lacked credibility to make some of her statements. I, too, am a brand new mom. I have a 19 week old who is the light of my world. I would not state anything about the entirety of motherhood. I don't know the entirety. I only know my son, a particular individual among billions, and 19 weeks of his childhood. So when she makes statements such as "I will not argue when someone says that mothering is hard. But let's be honest - it's not the hardest." (p. 63) I don't know that a mother of one, a mother of one INFANT has the credibility to make that blanket statement for all mothers. It's not the hardest thing FOR YOU. Raising your daughter is not the most important thing you'll do FOR YOU. But you can't say whether motherhood is the hardest thing for the single mom of three who is working and going to school and whose job is a 45 hour a week desk job rather than a free-lance writing job.
I agree that we need to work on making working motherhood more viable, more flexible and less guilt-ridden, but I think we should be cautious not to say more than the credibility lent to us by life.
There were some things about this book I really loved. Particularly, a comment of hers about people who don't vaccinate. While she was obviously pro-vaccination, she pointed out that it makes sense for moms especially to be skeptical of the medical community - after all, they just had children. She talks about the maternal mortality rate in the U.S. (it's horrible - it's safer in Kuwait than in the United States to give birth. Let that sink in.) When the medical community fails you at your most vulnerable, it makes sense that you will protect your most vulnerable family member from them.
There were other things that I really did not love. Valenti is a new mom - birthed her first child WHILE writing this book, and it obviously colored her approach and perspective. (Take, for example, her discussion of breastfeeding - she posits that babies who are breastfed are healthier because they have mothers with the time and support to breastfeed, not because they are breastfed. If they had done a study about women who formula fed who had similar jobs and time, I would probably have lent this more credibility.)
Also, I felt that Valenti lacked credibility to make some of her statements. I, too, am a brand new mom. I have a 19 week old who is the light of my world. I would not state anything about the entirety of motherhood. I don't know the entirety. I only know my son, a particular individual among billions, and 19 weeks of his childhood. So when she makes statements such as "I will not argue when someone says that mothering is hard. But let's be honest - it's not the hardest." (p. 63) I don't know that a mother of one, a mother of one INFANT has the credibility to make that blanket statement for all mothers. It's not the hardest thing FOR YOU. Raising your daughter is not the most important thing you'll do FOR YOU. But you can't say whether motherhood is the hardest thing for the single mom of three who is working and going to school and whose job is a 45 hour a week desk job rather than a free-lance writing job.
I agree that we need to work on making working motherhood more viable, more flexible and less guilt-ridden, but I think we should be cautious not to say more than the credibility lent to us by life.
emilyrowellbrown's review against another edition
3.0
A bit bombastic at times, this book nonetheless offers a worthwhile look at modern parenting--helicoptering, babywearing, and all. Valenti's question: Must children become the center of our lives and ultimate source of happiness? Answer, in short: hell no.