Reviews
The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World by Alan Downs
parboiledlentils's review against another edition
While there were some good tidbits of wisdom, I didn't fully buy into the book. It seemed to blanket the entire gay community into one experience. "We feel," "we believe," etc. While he discusses ambivalence and complexity as an important realization in life, he doesn't practice that in his writing. Shame in gay men is such a complex issue. There's no one right answer.
beckyschwartz's review against another edition
5.0
I’m so glad I read this book. It was exactly is informative and intense as I expected. And I loved the emotion in the epilogue.
ste3ve_b1rd's review
3.0
I was looking for a therapist and during one consultation this book was recommended to me. This work addresses problems that are classically inherent to gay men: body fascism, objectification, perfectionism, inauthenticity, "instamacy", abuse / self-abuse, shame. The author is at his best when focusing on the clinical aspects / analysis of the particular gay male subject is being discussed. In general -- This work is a very fast read.
When I arrived in NYC in the fall of 1980, promiscuity was the norm and rampant -- That's how I was introduced to gay life. I was relatively innocent and inexperienced; at first I was frightened by the gay bars. I was in over my head and I found many aspects of the cruising / pick up scenes to be overwhelming. The AIDS crisis arrived shortly thereafter, which in my case, amounted to living life in a state of fear. As a person who's sought out "harm reduction" by means of therapy, group therapy and 12 Step groups over the years -- I recognize that much of what Alan Downs, PhD recommends within this tome is derived from the 12 Step method. Mainly the idea of acceptance and how acceptance, when used as a tool, can change one's life; or from a Buddhist perspective -- Seeking "detachment"; learning to let go. "The Velvet Rage" also deconstructs the profound effect of shame, and how by refusing to let go of shame -- One ends up being inauthentic. Many of the gay men described in this book also suffer from a problem that I can relate to; one that causes tremendous existential angst-- That being the "inability to discern between, love, sex and affection".
A major weakness of this book, that has been commented on extensively in other reviews, is its tendency to focus on a particular type of gay man -- The capable, confident, fast lane, fast track to success kind of guy who jumps form one city, and or apartment, to the next; the "glistening" phony who'll hang on your every word -- Just to drop you like a hot potato. Although I've observed many of these types of men from afar, the queer men I've known have never been as driven or privileged as those described in this work. Thus at certain times while reading this text and searching for the common ground / attempting to empathize -- I couldn't help feeling like an "outsider among outsiders".
It's unfortunate that gay men can be cruel to one another; omnipresent rainbow flags notwithstanding, this lack of mutual empathy among queer men is the downside of the "rapier wit" that Dr. Downs references in this book. Sex for its own sake (more likely for "men of a certain age" like myself) often becomes more trouble than it's worth. Ultimately, after reading this text, I'm faced once again with the same questions that I encounter when seeking whatever method of "self-improvement": Does a gray area between "fast track party animal" and "morally superior reformed sinner" actually exist? How does one find "contentment" without turning into a veritable saint? ..... I'm still not sure.
When I arrived in NYC in the fall of 1980, promiscuity was the norm and rampant -- That's how I was introduced to gay life. I was relatively innocent and inexperienced; at first I was frightened by the gay bars. I was in over my head and I found many aspects of the cruising / pick up scenes to be overwhelming. The AIDS crisis arrived shortly thereafter, which in my case, amounted to living life in a state of fear. As a person who's sought out "harm reduction" by means of therapy, group therapy and 12 Step groups over the years -- I recognize that much of what Alan Downs, PhD recommends within this tome is derived from the 12 Step method. Mainly the idea of acceptance and how acceptance, when used as a tool, can change one's life; or from a Buddhist perspective -- Seeking "detachment"; learning to let go. "The Velvet Rage" also deconstructs the profound effect of shame, and how by refusing to let go of shame -- One ends up being inauthentic. Many of the gay men described in this book also suffer from a problem that I can relate to; one that causes tremendous existential angst-- That being the "inability to discern between, love, sex and affection".
A major weakness of this book, that has been commented on extensively in other reviews, is its tendency to focus on a particular type of gay man -- The capable, confident, fast lane, fast track to success kind of guy who jumps form one city, and or apartment, to the next; the "glistening" phony who'll hang on your every word -- Just to drop you like a hot potato. Although I've observed many of these types of men from afar, the queer men I've known have never been as driven or privileged as those described in this work. Thus at certain times while reading this text and searching for the common ground / attempting to empathize -- I couldn't help feeling like an "outsider among outsiders".
It's unfortunate that gay men can be cruel to one another; omnipresent rainbow flags notwithstanding, this lack of mutual empathy among queer men is the downside of the "rapier wit" that Dr. Downs references in this book. Sex for its own sake (more likely for "men of a certain age" like myself) often becomes more trouble than it's worth. Ultimately, after reading this text, I'm faced once again with the same questions that I encounter when seeking whatever method of "self-improvement": Does a gray area between "fast track party animal" and "morally superior reformed sinner" actually exist? How does one find "contentment" without turning into a veritable saint? ..... I'm still not sure.
greyhuigris's review against another edition
1.0
Despite being only 16 years old, this reads as extremely dated. I'm not sure that it would have been a better read back then, but it certainly feels out of touch now, almost to the point of being harmful towards the LGBTQ+ community at large. A brief list of issues with this book:
-It propagates stereotypes such as gay men having strained relationships with their fathers ("We...distance ourselves from our fathers whom we somehow knew would destroy us if he discovered our true nature.")
-The premise is that gay men are all ashamed and must overcome this shame, but not everyone faces this, especially as queerness has become more accepted.
-This book treats gayness as a monolith and effectively erases intersectional issues that gay POC face; while it's not stated in the book, I suspect that the men in interviews are all or nearly all white.
-The book oddly seems to put gay men on a pedestal over both other queer people and over straight people.
-It talks about the goal of helping gay men have a "normal life", but that normal life is very much based on heteronormative ideals. Things like having multiple sex partners are equated to not loving oneself, and rates of depression among gay men are suggested to be results of gay men not accepting themselves.
-It also reinforces the gender binary on multiple occasions, as well as reinforcing stereotypes of that binary. ("We are different from, on the one hand, women, and on the other hand, straight men. Our lives are a unique blending of testosterone and gentleness, hyper-sexuality and delicate sensuality, rugged masculinity and refined gentility.")
I don't think a book like this would be written or published today, which I suppose is a sign of progress, but it also means that we have moved on to a point where this book has become irrelevant.
-It propagates stereotypes such as gay men having strained relationships with their fathers ("We...distance ourselves from our fathers whom we somehow knew would destroy us if he discovered our true nature.")
-The premise is that gay men are all ashamed and must overcome this shame, but not everyone faces this, especially as queerness has become more accepted.
-This book treats gayness as a monolith and effectively erases intersectional issues that gay POC face; while it's not stated in the book, I suspect that the men in interviews are all or nearly all white.
-The book oddly seems to put gay men on a pedestal over both other queer people and over straight people.
-It talks about the goal of helping gay men have a "normal life", but that normal life is very much based on heteronormative ideals. Things like having multiple sex partners are equated to not loving oneself, and rates of depression among gay men are suggested to be results of gay men not accepting themselves.
-It also reinforces the gender binary on multiple occasions, as well as reinforcing stereotypes of that binary. ("We are different from, on the one hand, women, and on the other hand, straight men. Our lives are a unique blending of testosterone and gentleness, hyper-sexuality and delicate sensuality, rugged masculinity and refined gentility.")
I don't think a book like this would be written or published today, which I suppose is a sign of progress, but it also means that we have moved on to a point where this book has become irrelevant.
stories's review against another edition
1.0
I’m very much not the target audience but wow this book made me angry.
Maybe it’s effective and meaningful for white, middle-aged gay men who were raised in traditional nuclear families.
But between the special snowflakes and the contrast with my reading into trauma and domestic abuse? Not to mention the idea that habitually doing something—anything—that relieves stress when overwhelmed = addiction? Highly irritating and alienating.
Maybe it’s effective and meaningful for white, middle-aged gay men who were raised in traditional nuclear families.
But between the special snowflakes and the contrast with my reading into trauma and domestic abuse? Not to mention the idea that habitually doing something—anything—that relieves stress when overwhelmed = addiction? Highly irritating and alienating.
Content Warnings
Moderate: Emotional abuse, Infidelity, Mental illness, Death, Rape, Sexual assault, Alcohol, Suicidal thoughts, Suicide, Toxic relationship, Addiction, Body shaming, and Drug use