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vanitar's review against another edition
4.0
Great book and great points to consider. A bit too flowery at some points- could be more succinct but overall a great book
morgs777's review against another edition
3.0
Not my favorite book on attachment theory, but still good. A friend recommended this to me a while back post (yet another) breakup, lol. In my 5 year journal, one of the prompts is “what is the craziest thing you’ve done for love?” And this year’s answer was “continue to do it, despite how many times it has hurt me.” This book is validating in that sense - because your brain does do better with love and partnership - literally, it’s science. We’ve become too self-focused and individualized (and I’m not even going to touch the enchilada that is the pandemic on this effect). (Or dating apps.) (Or the internet, generally speaking.)
What I miss the most about being in a relationship isn’t even the romantic feelings, butterflies, and sparks. It’s the literal oxytocin and serotonin you get from having a consistent presence in your life (which is sort of touched on in this book). I’d also like dual income, someone to do the dishes if I cooked, someone to help with chores the UNSEXY STUFF I MISS and my brain does too!
Single Morgan out
What I miss the most about being in a relationship isn’t even the romantic feelings, butterflies, and sparks. It’s the literal oxytocin and serotonin you get from having a consistent presence in your life (which is sort of touched on in this book). I’d also like dual income, someone to do the dishes if I cooked, someone to help with chores the UNSEXY STUFF I MISS and my brain does too!
Single Morgan out
nekomancer42's review against another edition
3.0
A General Theory of Love presents some very interesting science, as well as a few suggestions worth adopting on how to live a better life. Unfortunately, the author tries too hard to sound like a literary author, producing many clunky, pretentious, over-the-top passages. The book also gets extremely, annoyingly preachy toward the end and tries to cover far too many subjects with far too little material.
elusivity's review against another edition
4.0
This book marries neurophysiology with the Attachment Theory, via poetic -- if occasionally florid -- language. It posits that human beings possess three layers of brains: the reptilian, the mammalian, and the neocortex. The reptilian governs our most basic acts and instincts, such as our heartbeats, our fight or flight response. The mammalian governs our emotions and emotional communication, and is responsible for empathy, the foundation of basic human morality. Finally, the neocortex governs our sophisticated language centers and rational, strategic thinking.
As a theory, Attachment seems to be on the rise these days in popular psychology to explain the foundation of human happiness or lack thereof: i.e. that our developmental years as vital to our adult emotional stability. A steady, loving caregiver will produce an emotionally-stable human being who is not afraid to love and to give love. A cold, distant caregiver will produce an emotionally-avoidant adult who fears, even despises, intimacy. And a caregiver who blows cold and hot will produce an anxious human being, who will tend to fall into extremely turbulent relationships by their fear of, and heightened sensitivity to, abandonment.
Combined with neurophysiology, the authors goes on to say that our mammalian brains communicate to each other constantly, beyond words. People in close emotional relationships help balance each other's mood, harmonize heart beats, regulate blood pressures, and even their sleeping cycles. A caregiver -- a mother, this book stipulates, is best, because nature built women to release a glut of bonding hormones upon giving birth -- and a baby's relationship is therefore vital -- regulating the baby's heart beat, hormones, developing brain structure, and thus shaping its fundamental understanding of the world. Therefore, if you are raised by a not-so-great caregiver, you're kind of screwed, doomed to some crappy relationships unless you invest 5 years or 10 on a therapist's couch, where talk is cheap, but that your mammalian brain may be slowly but surely modified by that of an emotionally-stable therapist is the only cure. (A disingenuous recommendation, if ever I heard one, as the authors are working psychologists. Surely there is some other way to help yourself? While the intellect cannot dictate the heart, but surely it could guide in a round-about-way, once you know the underlying mechanics?)
All very interesting stuff, written so that I, with a bachelor's degree in Psych (therefore very basic understanding, alas), could easily comprehend. Highly recommended as an introduction to both the Attachment Theory and neurophysiology, but you must move on to other books for what to do afterward.
As a theory, Attachment seems to be on the rise these days in popular psychology to explain the foundation of human happiness or lack thereof: i.e. that our developmental years as vital to our adult emotional stability. A steady, loving caregiver will produce an emotionally-stable human being who is not afraid to love and to give love. A cold, distant caregiver will produce an emotionally-avoidant adult who fears, even despises, intimacy. And a caregiver who blows cold and hot will produce an anxious human being, who will tend to fall into extremely turbulent relationships by their fear of, and heightened sensitivity to, abandonment.
Combined with neurophysiology, the authors goes on to say that our mammalian brains communicate to each other constantly, beyond words. People in close emotional relationships help balance each other's mood, harmonize heart beats, regulate blood pressures, and even their sleeping cycles. A caregiver -- a mother, this book stipulates, is best, because nature built women to release a glut of bonding hormones upon giving birth -- and a baby's relationship is therefore vital -- regulating the baby's heart beat, hormones, developing brain structure, and thus shaping its fundamental understanding of the world. Therefore, if you are raised by a not-so-great caregiver, you're kind of screwed, doomed to some crappy relationships unless you invest 5 years or 10 on a therapist's couch, where talk is cheap, but that your mammalian brain may be slowly but surely modified by that of an emotionally-stable therapist is the only cure. (A disingenuous recommendation, if ever I heard one, as the authors are working psychologists. Surely there is some other way to help yourself? While the intellect cannot dictate the heart, but surely it could guide in a round-about-way, once you know the underlying mechanics?)
All very interesting stuff, written so that I, with a bachelor's degree in Psych (therefore very basic understanding, alas), could easily comprehend. Highly recommended as an introduction to both the Attachment Theory and neurophysiology, but you must move on to other books for what to do afterward.
benjamin_manning's review against another edition
2.0
A very good friend (and also, coincidently one of my smartest friends - credit Alice Feng) told me that this book is a must read. While I mostly disagree with her and did not enjoy this book, I do see a lot of the value that the information in the book provides. This book makes an attempt at describing the scientific and neural processes between human (but mostly mammalian) love and emotions. There were two major problems. First, the style of writing was kind of sickening in my opinion - there were endless fluffy platitudes and had to reread many paragraphs because I simply could not decipher what was being said (maybe I'm dumb though, always a possibility). 2. The book focuses almost entirely on the tripartite model of the brain - specifically how the limbic system, which we share with most other mammals, is the emotional center. Unfortunately, one of the big overhauls in neuroscience is that this model no longer holds up and has more or less been debunked (see the wonderful recent book - 7.s5 lessons about the brain). This is an understandable mistake given that this book was written in 2000, but undermined it's explanations a lot nonetheless.
I'll admit, I do think that this material is interesting and if the book were updated with the times (along with a new style with less fluff - it'd be awesome). Also, I did learn a lot such as:
1. Humans are literally hard-wired to hate loneliness - I found this quote especially impactful and have saved it away in my feelingsy quotes list - also shows the fluffy style lol: "a relationship that strays from one's prototype is limbically equivalent to isolation. Loneliness outweighs most pain. These two facts collide to produce one of loves' common and initially baffling quirks: most people choose misery with a partner their limbic brain recognizes over the stagnant pleasure of a "nice" relationship with someone their attachment mechanisms cannot detect" Sad, am i right???
2. Hebbian learning is a fascinating theory and representation of how the mind learns - offering a symbolic representation of how humans learn and recognize "things"
3. Alice mentioned how cool implicit memory is, and I agree! The difference between knowing how to do things and remembering instances is not something I've often thought about!
I'll admit, I do think that this material is interesting and if the book were updated with the times (along with a new style with less fluff - it'd be awesome). Also, I did learn a lot such as:
1. Humans are literally hard-wired to hate loneliness - I found this quote especially impactful and have saved it away in my feelingsy quotes list - also shows the fluffy style lol: "a relationship that strays from one's prototype is limbically equivalent to isolation. Loneliness outweighs most pain. These two facts collide to produce one of loves' common and initially baffling quirks: most people choose misery with a partner their limbic brain recognizes over the stagnant pleasure of a "nice" relationship with someone their attachment mechanisms cannot detect" Sad, am i right???
2. Hebbian learning is a fascinating theory and representation of how the mind learns - offering a symbolic representation of how humans learn and recognize "things"
3. Alice mentioned how cool implicit memory is, and I agree! The difference between knowing how to do things and remembering instances is not something I've often thought about!
brontherun's review against another edition
4.0
While its academic nature has caused this text to age a bit over the last 20 years, it is still a worthwhile read. The authors delve into the evolution of the human brain and human relationships, and explain how the two are inseparable. Their stance on self-help books is made blatantly clear: "The sheer volume and variety of self-help paraphernalia testify at once to the vastness of the appetite they address and their inability to satisfy it." And yet, the details and insights make this work feel a little like a self-help book in therapist selection, child-rearing, and relationship management.
I am a true fan of the neocortical brain - analytical thinking, reason, and logic are tools fit comfortably to my hand and feel right. The duality of the limbic brain and neocortical brain appeals to my intellectual understanding of neurology, and at the same time a new understanding of the emotional needs of humans based on limbic brain development are revealed.
Several examples resonate closely to personal experience, thus reinforcing their position. "The neocortical brain's tendency to wax hypothetical then becomes a deadly liability. The limbic brain, unable to distinguish between incoming sensory experience and neocortical imaginings, revisits emotions upon a body that was not designed to withstand such a procession." These types of mental traps are all to familiar, and one usually cannot reason oneself out of it. Experience says distraction with another person's life (child, friend, partner) or a sympathetic ear from the same are the best path out.
Our emotional connections, true resonance with another person, physically present, are critical to the human experience. So vital we succumb without it. The authors' words regarding therapy I think is applicable to other relationships: "It impels participation in a process that our modern world has all but forgotten: sitting in a room with another person for hours at a time with no purpose in mind but attending."
Eventually this book gets around to romantic love, but that I will not attempt to summarize or evaluate here. Each individual's take away from that section may be different than mine.
I am a true fan of the neocortical brain - analytical thinking, reason, and logic are tools fit comfortably to my hand and feel right. The duality of the limbic brain and neocortical brain appeals to my intellectual understanding of neurology, and at the same time a new understanding of the emotional needs of humans based on limbic brain development are revealed.
Several examples resonate closely to personal experience, thus reinforcing their position. "The neocortical brain's tendency to wax hypothetical then becomes a deadly liability. The limbic brain, unable to distinguish between incoming sensory experience and neocortical imaginings, revisits emotions upon a body that was not designed to withstand such a procession." These types of mental traps are all to familiar, and one usually cannot reason oneself out of it. Experience says distraction with another person's life (child, friend, partner) or a sympathetic ear from the same are the best path out.
Our emotional connections, true resonance with another person, physically present, are critical to the human experience. So vital we succumb without it. The authors' words regarding therapy I think is applicable to other relationships: "It impels participation in a process that our modern world has all but forgotten: sitting in a room with another person for hours at a time with no purpose in mind but attending."
Eventually this book gets around to romantic love, but that I will not attempt to summarize or evaluate here. Each individual's take away from that section may be different than mine.
jefecarpenter's review against another edition
5.0
The true title should be A General Theory of Life.
It's a fascinating revelation of the nature of human thought and emotion, leading to an in-depth analysis of relationships of all kinds. It starts with a wonderful description of the neuroscience of the three brains that every human is born with. It goes on from there to explore the many underlying conditions of our relationship with life.
This should be required reading. I think everyone should know about limbic resonance... not only for the marvel of romance and the synergy of partnership; it is one way in which science confirms the metaphysical.
It's a fascinating revelation of the nature of human thought and emotion, leading to an in-depth analysis of relationships of all kinds. It starts with a wonderful description of the neuroscience of the three brains that every human is born with. It goes on from there to explore the many underlying conditions of our relationship with life.
This should be required reading. I think everyone should know about limbic resonance... not only for the marvel of romance and the synergy of partnership; it is one way in which science confirms the metaphysical.
gildius's review against another edition
challenging
informative
inspiring
reflective
slow-paced
4.0
lookhome's review against another edition
4.0
An interesting and thought provoking commentary on how modern society’s inability to understand that some things are emotional and emotions can’t always be a plaines or understood logically