mslisadenise's review against another edition
dark
emotional
hopeful
informative
reflective
sad
medium-paced
4.0
cynthiabbz's review against another edition
3.0
This book is outdated. The writer writes from his perspective only. He says “In my experience” over and over. He talks about research, studies, books, professionals, etc. But does NOT provide any references at all.
The gist of the book is this: Men are abusive because they are self centered and entitled. The writer says men are not abusive because they were abused as children, then later on says an abusers come from abusive homes where they may, or may not, have been on the receiving end of brutal abuse. He also says men are abusive because of their environment; the oppressive characteristics found in his: family, friends, community, music, movies, porn, etc. Then he says that some men that he’s up in the same situations simply choose to become advocates for women, against abusive men. He contradicts himself, and doesn’t back up his “fact” statements with any proof.
He has *some* good insight that may be helpful for the abused person to read when he or she is in the trenches of the abusive relationship ship. Such insight can help to loosen the blindfold and help her begin the journey towards wanting self respect. However, he also offers what I would consider unhealthy advice: if your husband blames his exes for xyz, you should go and talk to her and see if it’s true. I just found that to be weird.
I wouldn’t recommend this book as an educational resource on why or where the abusiveness traits of a person comes from because I feel that it fails to explain it properly. I may recommend this book to victims in the trenches that need some basic I sight to begin to take off the blindfold.
My biggest issue is that this book hasn’t been updated since it published in 2002. It’s 2020, there’s new research, new therapies, etc.
The gist of the book is this: Men are abusive because they are self centered and entitled. The writer says men are not abusive because they were abused as children, then later on says an abusers come from abusive homes where they may, or may not, have been on the receiving end of brutal abuse. He also says men are abusive because of their environment; the oppressive characteristics found in his: family, friends, community, music, movies, porn, etc. Then he says that some men that he’s up in the same situations simply choose to become advocates for women, against abusive men. He contradicts himself, and doesn’t back up his “fact” statements with any proof.
He has *some* good insight that may be helpful for the abused person to read when he or she is in the trenches of the abusive relationship ship. Such insight can help to loosen the blindfold and help her begin the journey towards wanting self respect. However, he also offers what I would consider unhealthy advice: if your husband blames his exes for xyz, you should go and talk to her and see if it’s true. I just found that to be weird.
I wouldn’t recommend this book as an educational resource on why or where the abusiveness traits of a person comes from because I feel that it fails to explain it properly. I may recommend this book to victims in the trenches that need some basic I sight to begin to take off the blindfold.
My biggest issue is that this book hasn’t been updated since it published in 2002. It’s 2020, there’s new research, new therapies, etc.
cnsgirl's review against another edition
Lundy is Anti Vax.
Lundy is a TERF.
This book might have some beneficial insight, given its popularity.
I personally cannot trust an author who holds those views to be a consistently enough sound source of insight, and I will read other books in Lundy's place.
Lundy is a TERF.
This book might have some beneficial insight, given its popularity.
I personally cannot trust an author who holds those views to be a consistently enough sound source of insight, and I will read other books in Lundy's place.
Content Warnings
Graphic: Physical abuse, Domestic abuse, and Emotional abuse
llmacrae's review against another edition
5.0
I feel like everyone should read this book.
Especially chapter 13: “The Making of an Abusive Man” which looks into a lot of how cultural elements impact youth: from religion to magazines, songs and plays, film and pornography, and so many stories that romanticise toxic and abusive behaviours.
Just to have an awareness of what values are being taught and how that can impact people. It is so ingrained into western lifestyles that people are hardly even aware of it.
I found this to be an incredibly cathartic read, and I skipped certain sections or chapters that were less applicable to my experiences. I made plenty of notes, and it shone a light on some things I didn’t know, and provided more context on some things I did know.
The generalisations are great and the examples are hard-hitting. I have definitely heard many of them before.
It’s so interesting to see how most of this isn’t an “anger” issue but stems from values and beliefs, and how those drive thinking (and therefore abusive behaviour) in so many ways. The examples are brilliant, and it’s quite scary how many I resonated with or had experienced. Entitlement and righteous justification can be very powerful things.
Worth bearing in mind this is written by someone who has spent 15 years as a counselor for abusive men, so much of this will come from that lens. If you’re looking for a more holistic approach or something to your specific siutation (outside of being a cis het woman abused by a cis het man), this won’t be it - but it can’t be everything!
However, there are a tonne of things here that are applicable to many abusive people, regardless of gender. Whether you’ve experienced it or know someone who has (or simply wants to know more to see the signs of someone going through abuse), this book is a good starting point.
Especially chapter 13: “The Making of an Abusive Man” which looks into a lot of how cultural elements impact youth: from religion to magazines, songs and plays, film and pornography, and so many stories that romanticise toxic and abusive behaviours.
Just to have an awareness of what values are being taught and how that can impact people. It is so ingrained into western lifestyles that people are hardly even aware of it.
I found this to be an incredibly cathartic read, and I skipped certain sections or chapters that were less applicable to my experiences. I made plenty of notes, and it shone a light on some things I didn’t know, and provided more context on some things I did know.
The generalisations are great and the examples are hard-hitting. I have definitely heard many of them before.
It’s so interesting to see how most of this isn’t an “anger” issue but stems from values and beliefs, and how those drive thinking (and therefore abusive behaviour) in so many ways. The examples are brilliant, and it’s quite scary how many I resonated with or had experienced. Entitlement and righteous justification can be very powerful things.
Worth bearing in mind this is written by someone who has spent 15 years as a counselor for abusive men, so much of this will come from that lens. If you’re looking for a more holistic approach or something to your specific siutation (outside of being a cis het woman abused by a cis het man), this won’t be it - but it can’t be everything!
However, there are a tonne of things here that are applicable to many abusive people, regardless of gender. Whether you’ve experienced it or know someone who has (or simply wants to know more to see the signs of someone going through abuse), this book is a good starting point.
moominhello's review against another edition
challenging
informative
reflective
sad
tense
slow-paced
4.5
A difficult read that I believe most people should read. In fact, I wish it was translated into my mother tongue so that it could be accessed by more people who need it. It’s a wake up call that really pointed out things I should’ve looked out for. It also feels good to be believed. I couldn’t give it the full five stars because the organization was a bit odd.
gleigh96's review against another edition
emotional
informative
sad
tense
slow-paced
5.0
A highly informative book on abusers based up Lundy’s experience of working with them.