The design and UX isn't done, Rob and Abbie, okkurrrr! đ
kilbmc's review against another edition
5.0
The people who are making absurd comments about the book encouraging abuse and neglect missed the point. It's about letting kids learn responsibility when the stakes are low. One missed meal because of bad behavior does not lead to starvation. One trip outside without a coat does not lead to hypothermia. One day of tardiness to school does not lead to legal action from the school district. I have a feeling that some of those complaining are the helicopter parents who make things worse for their children by rescuing them constantly. Advise, guide, and let the children learn from the consequences of their actions, both positive and negative.
dorothy_gale's review against another edition
4.0
This book was the oldest book on my to-read list; I've owned a hardcover version since January 2016. I forget how I came across it, but I knew at least one other parent who liked it. I ended-up checking out the Audio CD version from my library and finished it in less than 6 days (audible didn't have this title).
I gave this book 4 stars because 75% of the content was 5-star worthy, and 25% was 1-star worthy. In the 5-star was the core idea of letting thoughtful consequences be the "punishment" for undesirable behavior. In the 1-star was an oversimplification of harder issues like dealing with trauma, tragedy, drugs and divorce. The book was first published in 1990 and I had the "Updated and Expanded Edition" from 2006, but the author only explicitly said they changed their minds on one thing -- spanking (now discouraged). But it is due for an update on its topics of screen time and smart phones.
Where the book excels is giving parents short, scripted responses to circumvent repetitive or unproductive conversations with your kids, and addressing a variety of common scenarios. It does say these conversations take practice and time, which is in line with how I teach safety conversations to encourage thinking and ultimately change behavior. Another cool bonus topic toward the end of the book was teaching your kids your values, which he says happens one of two ways: (1) by actions your kids witness you taking, or (2) in your interactions directly with them. What is unsaid here is that just speaking and repeating your values is insufficient. I agree most of the time, but I do specifically remember my mom saying "I hate liars" and that has stuck with me (and my brother) ever since.
The book is split into tips in the first part, and "pearls" in the second part. The first section is better than the second. I am considering buying copies for my siblings after I find out what format they would prefer. I haven't read many parenting books but, despite its flaws, this one is at the top of my list. I hope a younger author picks up the theories/program and releases a modernized version. It is encouraging to see they have a robust website with classes, webinars, YouTube videos and conferences.
I gave this book 4 stars because 75% of the content was 5-star worthy, and 25% was 1-star worthy. In the 5-star was the core idea of letting thoughtful consequences be the "punishment" for undesirable behavior. In the 1-star was an oversimplification of harder issues like dealing with trauma, tragedy, drugs and divorce. The book was first published in 1990 and I had the "Updated and Expanded Edition" from 2006, but the author only explicitly said they changed their minds on one thing -- spanking (now discouraged). But it is due for an update on its topics of screen time and smart phones.
Where the book excels is giving parents short, scripted responses to circumvent repetitive or unproductive conversations with your kids, and addressing a variety of common scenarios. It does say these conversations take practice and time, which is in line with how I teach safety conversations to encourage thinking and ultimately change behavior. Another cool bonus topic toward the end of the book was teaching your kids your values, which he says happens one of two ways: (1) by actions your kids witness you taking, or (2) in your interactions directly with them. What is unsaid here is that just speaking and repeating your values is insufficient. I agree most of the time, but I do specifically remember my mom saying "I hate liars" and that has stuck with me (and my brother) ever since.
The book is split into tips in the first part, and "pearls" in the second part. The first section is better than the second. I am considering buying copies for my siblings after I find out what format they would prefer. I haven't read many parenting books but, despite its flaws, this one is at the top of my list. I hope a younger author picks up the theories/program and releases a modernized version. It is encouraging to see they have a robust website with classes, webinars, YouTube videos and conferences.
chris_fiebelkorn's review against another edition
emotional
funny
informative
inspiring
slow-paced
4.0
bethgiven's review against another edition
3.0
I have mixed feelings about this book.
Hereâs what I liked about this book:
* The emphasis on consequences. It makes sense that, in order to learn about the real world, children should be allowed to experience consequences (within reason) so they can alter their behavior. And consequences cannot be given unless choices are also offered, within reason. I agree with that, too.
* Also, I loved that they pointed out several times how important it is to model good behavior for your children. I wholeheartedly agree!
And now, the juicy stuff. Hereâs what I didnât like:
* Iâm a mom to a two-year-old, not a teenager â but they rarely seem to preface which age bracket would apply to certain scenarios. Obviously, the section titled âPacifiersâ was meant for toddlers (and thank HEAVENS Logan weaned off the pacifier a few months ago, or I probably would have ended up in tears over that chapter), but as for some of the other situations, I wasnât sure. There is a specific âLove and Logicâ book geared especially for toddlers, but itâs not at my public library, and after reading this one Iâm not sure I want to hunt it down.
* Also, some of the sample dialogue of a parent with a child was hard to read without sarcasm â hardly very âloving.â They did warn against sarcasm in a chapter tucked away in the middle of the book, but to avoid it completely might be hard for parents. Phrases like âgee, son, Iâm sorry that you got a D on your report card; thatâs a real bummerâ or ânice try, son, but youâll have to think of another solutionâ could be said with love, but just parroting the book isnât going to cut it (in fact, it could easily morph into one of the most unloving things you could say). Maybe this says more about me than about the book, but a lot of that sample dialogue made the parents out to be snide and manipulative.
* Lastly: I donât really agree with how they say we should teach our kids about money. I went to a class during BYU Education Week that was a little off-beat on the whole allowance issue, saying that kids need less emphasis on learning money management and more emphasis on learning generosity. I tend to agree with that school of thought (though how exactly I want to implement that, Iâm not sure yet). This book, though, took the money management thing to the extreme. Example: kids who wouldnât eat what was made for dinner are consequently allowed to help themselves to something from the fridge â but ONLY if they paid for the food out of their allowances. I guess the thinking is that that the parents had already paid for one meal as part of their parental duties.
There are some good ideas to be taken from this book, but I think the kind of parent who would pick this book up is the parent whoâs already doing a lot of the âgood stuffâ and probably doesnât need a book to pick up on it.
Hereâs what I liked about this book:
* The emphasis on consequences. It makes sense that, in order to learn about the real world, children should be allowed to experience consequences (within reason) so they can alter their behavior. And consequences cannot be given unless choices are also offered, within reason. I agree with that, too.
* Also, I loved that they pointed out several times how important it is to model good behavior for your children. I wholeheartedly agree!
And now, the juicy stuff. Hereâs what I didnât like:
* Iâm a mom to a two-year-old, not a teenager â but they rarely seem to preface which age bracket would apply to certain scenarios. Obviously, the section titled âPacifiersâ was meant for toddlers (and thank HEAVENS Logan weaned off the pacifier a few months ago, or I probably would have ended up in tears over that chapter), but as for some of the other situations, I wasnât sure. There is a specific âLove and Logicâ book geared especially for toddlers, but itâs not at my public library, and after reading this one Iâm not sure I want to hunt it down.
* Also, some of the sample dialogue of a parent with a child was hard to read without sarcasm â hardly very âloving.â They did warn against sarcasm in a chapter tucked away in the middle of the book, but to avoid it completely might be hard for parents. Phrases like âgee, son, Iâm sorry that you got a D on your report card; thatâs a real bummerâ or ânice try, son, but youâll have to think of another solutionâ could be said with love, but just parroting the book isnât going to cut it (in fact, it could easily morph into one of the most unloving things you could say). Maybe this says more about me than about the book, but a lot of that sample dialogue made the parents out to be snide and manipulative.
* Lastly: I donât really agree with how they say we should teach our kids about money. I went to a class during BYU Education Week that was a little off-beat on the whole allowance issue, saying that kids need less emphasis on learning money management and more emphasis on learning generosity. I tend to agree with that school of thought (though how exactly I want to implement that, Iâm not sure yet). This book, though, took the money management thing to the extreme. Example: kids who wouldnât eat what was made for dinner are consequently allowed to help themselves to something from the fridge â but ONLY if they paid for the food out of their allowances. I guess the thinking is that that the parents had already paid for one meal as part of their parental duties.
There are some good ideas to be taken from this book, but I think the kind of parent who would pick this book up is the parent whoâs already doing a lot of the âgood stuffâ and probably doesnât need a book to pick up on it.
msethna's review against another edition
3.0
While I do appreciate what this author is trying to say. I am not sure I am 100% sold on all of his beliefs in parenting. There are some ideas in here that I find extreme and there are others that are more feasible. I am yelling less at my children (YAH!!!) and I am offering them more choices when handling situations so they feel like they have more control of the decisions made. I will keep this book as a resource to keep going back to as my children get older. The Pearls of Wisdom the author shares for dealing with different situations gives me some good ideas on how I want to raise my children.
maximum83's review against another edition
2.0
I like the general foundation of this. I think giving kids options instead of demands and letting them solve their problems, within reason, is a great parenting technique we could all stand to follow.
However, I think the authors of this book take it WAY too far and are borderline cruel in some areas. (The bit with the dog.) I also couldn't help feel like they viewed children as a burden and not something to love and treasure.
Their goals? Magnificent. The basis of their method? Brilliant. Their full technique? Not for me. Did I pick up a potential trick or two? Sure. But most everything in here had me shaking my head wondering why they bothered to have kids to begin with, if that's what they thought of them. And I know that in reality, no the authors don't really feel kids to be burdens, but that's how they come across.
I've been advised the book "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk" has the same basic premiss but a much more realistic and kind technique. I'm looking forward to reading that one soon.
However, I think the authors of this book take it WAY too far and are borderline cruel in some areas. (The bit with the dog.) I also couldn't help feel like they viewed children as a burden and not something to love and treasure.
Their goals? Magnificent. The basis of their method? Brilliant. Their full technique? Not for me. Did I pick up a potential trick or two? Sure. But most everything in here had me shaking my head wondering why they bothered to have kids to begin with, if that's what they thought of them. And I know that in reality, no the authors don't really feel kids to be burdens, but that's how they come across.
I've been advised the book "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk" has the same basic premiss but a much more realistic and kind technique. I'm looking forward to reading that one soon.
jmcphers's review against another edition
2.0
When I picked up this book, I thought it was more or less a standalone work. If I'd realized that it was part of a "Love and Logic" series and that its authors preside at the "Love and Logic" institute, I'd have had a much better idea what to expect.
The book has one Big Idea, namely that kids learn to make good decisions by practicing decision-making. Every other idea in this book (and there aren't that many) is derived from this one. It might not sound like an earth-shattering insight, but while most of us would nod our head in agreement at the statement, I think that the authors have it right: not many people raise their kids this way, because they are unwilling for their child (or themselves) to face the consequences of their childrens' poor decisions, and/or the decisions don't have natural consequences that matter to the kids.
There are two sections in this short book. The first half is devoted to the Love and Logic principles and ideas as they apply to parenting. The second is called "Pearls", which contains anecdotes and ideas for applying these ideas to a variety of common issues.
There were three main things about their line of thinking that bothered me:
1) The authors insist on using "thinking words" to rephrase your requests. Large passages in the book are devoted to "thinking words" for all kinds of situations. For instance, instead of saying "No TV until you finish your dinner, young lady", you are instructed to say "Feel free to join us for some television once you've finished your dinner." I'll agree that the second option is less confrontational, but my gut says that any smart kid is quickly going to realize that these two statements mean exactly the same thing.
2) The authors have what is--in my limited experience--an inflated opinion in the ability of children to retroactively recognize that a decision was bad. For instance, if your kid pops another kid in the face, they recommend asking some passive questions about whether they thought that was a good way to resolve the issue and then dropping the subject. Later, when he doesn't have any friends because he's mean to everyone, he'll realize that he shouldn't have done that! Lesson learned! Right?
3) The principles, while apparently sound, are supported not by research or years of parenting experience, but by a few anecdotes from the childhoods of the authors and a few more from parents who successfully used the techniques. It sounds like they would work, but the authors don't bring much in the way of hard evidence to the table.
That said, there really are some great nuggets in this book, and since I only have one child and she's still in diapers, it's hard to evaluate the merit of many of the ideas. I will say that it's made some changes in the way that I think about parenting: my natural instinct is to be a commander and tell my daughter what she needs to do or not do; this book helped me see that that approach isn't good for either of us in the long run.
The book has one Big Idea, namely that kids learn to make good decisions by practicing decision-making. Every other idea in this book (and there aren't that many) is derived from this one. It might not sound like an earth-shattering insight, but while most of us would nod our head in agreement at the statement, I think that the authors have it right: not many people raise their kids this way, because they are unwilling for their child (or themselves) to face the consequences of their childrens' poor decisions, and/or the decisions don't have natural consequences that matter to the kids.
There are two sections in this short book. The first half is devoted to the Love and Logic principles and ideas as they apply to parenting. The second is called "Pearls", which contains anecdotes and ideas for applying these ideas to a variety of common issues.
There were three main things about their line of thinking that bothered me:
1) The authors insist on using "thinking words" to rephrase your requests. Large passages in the book are devoted to "thinking words" for all kinds of situations. For instance, instead of saying "No TV until you finish your dinner, young lady", you are instructed to say "Feel free to join us for some television once you've finished your dinner." I'll agree that the second option is less confrontational, but my gut says that any smart kid is quickly going to realize that these two statements mean exactly the same thing.
2) The authors have what is--in my limited experience--an inflated opinion in the ability of children to retroactively recognize that a decision was bad. For instance, if your kid pops another kid in the face, they recommend asking some passive questions about whether they thought that was a good way to resolve the issue and then dropping the subject. Later, when he doesn't have any friends because he's mean to everyone, he'll realize that he shouldn't have done that! Lesson learned! Right?
3) The principles, while apparently sound, are supported not by research or years of parenting experience, but by a few anecdotes from the childhoods of the authors and a few more from parents who successfully used the techniques. It sounds like they would work, but the authors don't bring much in the way of hard evidence to the table.
That said, there really are some great nuggets in this book, and since I only have one child and she's still in diapers, it's hard to evaluate the merit of many of the ideas. I will say that it's made some changes in the way that I think about parenting: my natural instinct is to be a commander and tell my daughter what she needs to do or not do; this book helped me see that that approach isn't good for either of us in the long run.
izarravarela's review against another edition
2.0
Here's some good advice contained within this book:
⢠Let your kids learn from the natural consequences of their actions.
⢠Don't be afraid to give your child choices: do you want to clean your room now or later? do you want to sweep the floor or do the dishes?
Here's what's terrible about this book:
⢠Spanking is ok! but only if your child is under 3. And "spank only if you can do it in a painful way." (I'm sorry WHAAAAT?!)
⢠It's ok to condescend to your kids, so long as you use the love-and-logic-approved phrasing: "Hm-m-m, that's a really interesting way of looking at it. Let me know how that turns out."
⢠Terrifying your kid is ok, too! CHILD: "I don't want to go to bed, Mom. I'm afraid I might die tonight." MOM: "Luckily, only one child in ten million will die in his sleep tonight, honey." (Wow. NOT helpful, Mom.)
⢠God is Good, and you should Trust in His Divine Plan. In the meantime, here are some ways to coerce your kids into going to church.
Wow. Soooo, yeah. High ho Stinko, AWAAAAAYYYY!!!
⢠Let your kids learn from the natural consequences of their actions.
⢠Don't be afraid to give your child choices: do you want to clean your room now or later? do you want to sweep the floor or do the dishes?
Here's what's terrible about this book:
⢠Spanking is ok! but only if your child is under 3. And "spank only if you can do it in a painful way." (I'm sorry WHAAAAT?!)
⢠It's ok to condescend to your kids, so long as you use the love-and-logic-approved phrasing: "Hm-m-m, that's a really interesting way of looking at it. Let me know how that turns out."
⢠Terrifying your kid is ok, too! CHILD: "I don't want to go to bed, Mom. I'm afraid I might die tonight." MOM: "Luckily, only one child in ten million will die in his sleep tonight, honey." (Wow. NOT helpful, Mom.)
⢠God is Good, and you should Trust in His Divine Plan. In the meantime, here are some ways to coerce your kids into going to church.
Wow. Soooo, yeah. High ho Stinko, AWAAAAAYYYY!!!
mlottermoser's review against another edition
4.0
I enjoyed this book, especially since it got me talking with my husband about important parenting decisions. Do I agree with everything? No. But I think there are a lot of solid principles to consider.