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The Man They Wanted Me to Be: Toxic Masculinity and a Crisis of Our Own Making by Jared Yates Sexton
rileyhicks's review against another edition
5.0
One of the best books I’ve ever read— everything was so clearly explained, reasonable, and approached from an empathetic and understanding point of view. Absolutely a mind-blowing book that everyone should read. 100/10
christempleton86's review against another edition
4.0
Wasn't going to give it 5 stars just on principle, but this was an important read for me.
lostwing's review against another edition
Wow. This was nothing less than someone baring his whole soul. It feels invasive and presumptuous writing a review for something this personal tbh. What I really want to say is that I've read a lot of examinations of toxic white male patriarchy and masculinity written by anybody but white men; to read it from the perspective of a white man was of course very different and not in a bad way. Certainly this book answered questions I've often had as a WOC puzzled by, and in today's climate very fearful of white toxic masculinity. And I didn't necessarily like the answers. But I liked that there's someone, many someones, out there trying to warn of the damages and dangers. Someone doing the work of digging into the roots of the problems and working on solutions and having the difficult conversations in the communities that need to be having those conversations. I admire this author greatly for the bravery it must have taken to write this book. I hope this book reaches many different people because I think, living in the white patriarchal country in which we live, we all could learn something from it.
biobabe's review against another edition
4.0
Maybe 4.5? Told in large part as a memoir, though there is certainly good info throughout as well.
bookph1le's review against another edition
5.0
Part memoir, part non-fiction social science book, Sexton uses his own troubled upbringing and struggles with toxic masculinity to illustrate the terrible effects both women and men suffer as a result of society's efforts to enforce stringent gender roles. Reading this book was a very painful experience at times, but it was unquestionably valuable as Sexton has a very level-headed, informed take and a lot of perspective on his privilege as a heterosexual white man, which he acknowledges as he dissects the havoc toxic masculinity has wreaked in his life.
The U.S. has a lot of reckoning to do when it comes to gender issues, and though this book would be timely at any point, I think holds a special importance now, given the connections between toxic masculinity and the scourge of gun violence that's taken hold of our country. The only real way this country has any hope of lessening our issues with gun violence and domestic violence is by examining traditional gender roles and moving forward into an era that acknowledges that gender is largely a social construct. The science is overwhelming on this point, and if we want to build a better country for every last person who lives here, we have to deal with the fallout from centuries of gender-based oppression. Patriarchy hurts every last person living within its confines, male and female alike, and it's time we tried reaching a point of equilibrium.
The U.S. has a lot of reckoning to do when it comes to gender issues, and though this book would be timely at any point, I think holds a special importance now, given the connections between toxic masculinity and the scourge of gun violence that's taken hold of our country. The only real way this country has any hope of lessening our issues with gun violence and domestic violence is by examining traditional gender roles and moving forward into an era that acknowledges that gender is largely a social construct. The science is overwhelming on this point, and if we want to build a better country for every last person who lives here, we have to deal with the fallout from centuries of gender-based oppression. Patriarchy hurts every last person living within its confines, male and female alike, and it's time we tried reaching a point of equilibrium.
kcrouth's review against another edition
5.0
"The Man They Wanted Me to Be" explores in a clear, concise manner the subject of its subtitle: "Toxic Masculinity and a Crisis of Our Own Making". This discussion is set in the context of a moving and candid memoir by Jared Yates Sexton of his early life, growing up in a southern Indiana small town environment. The members of his family, his schoolmates, friends and acquaintances are all caught up in the social construct of toxic gender rolls which had been passed down from generation to generation, and are still being propagated today. In true JYS style, the writing is excellent, and immediately engaging and real. This book should be a "must-read", certainly for all men, but also for their family and friends to both gain insight into this structure that is so common in families, as well as offer hope and true and lasting healing for our culture and nation. Please, please read this book.
rclairel's review
challenging
informative
reflective
medium-paced
3.5
I expected, for some reason, for this book to be an analysis and dismantling of toxic masculinity in American culture. However, what it actually was was more of a personal contemplation of how toxic masculinity works in and through the life of the author, shaping him in its image, despite his natural tendencies to not conform to its ideals. Sexton does illustrate well how and why toxic masculinity is present in much of American society and how difficult it is to escape or avoid such thinking. However, his is mostly a personal and anecdotal analysis with occasional footnoted references to research, rather than some sort of analysis. He offers a warning, though not much in the way of solutions.
sunrays118's review against another edition
2.0
One is left a bit confused by this book. Is it a memoir? Self-help? Culture commentary? Journalism?
The author has a mixed bag that manages to accomplish nothing. The book is a confusing bag of half completed thoughts. The first 200 some pages are a history of the author's childhood told in a confusing, muddled way that leaves the reader asking what on earth the point is. The book seems at once to be a self-indulgent, pity party while at the same time criticizing everyone else and saying how much better the author is than those around him. The book is everything on earth that this movement doesn't need. It doesn't show strength or community or a commitment to growth, the author paints a portrait of himself as the absolute horrendous toxic masculinity he attacks. The author talks endlessly about how everything awful happened to him but how he was always better than everyone else. The author was a good athlete until it was taken from him. He was still sensitive and smart and too bright for others even though people tried to take that from him. The author is completely unable to see himself as a full person. He tries desperately to control his own story and harm others in the process. It all comes across as incredibly toxic and whiny. This book will never help people to move forward.
The auto biography portion is a mess. The stories go back and forth in time, the motives of people are unclear and the stories ring as hopelessly one sided and false.
By the time the author is ready to move on to offering a more self-help style book or social commentary, it is too little too late. Very few studies are cited, precious little thought is given to considering their implications and the only advice is "be kind."
This book falls completely flat which is such a shame for a topic that needs to be considered. All in all, exceptionally disappointing.
The author has a mixed bag that manages to accomplish nothing. The book is a confusing bag of half completed thoughts. The first 200 some pages are a history of the author's childhood told in a confusing, muddled way that leaves the reader asking what on earth the point is. The book seems at once to be a self-indulgent, pity party while at the same time criticizing everyone else and saying how much better the author is than those around him. The book is everything on earth that this movement doesn't need. It doesn't show strength or community or a commitment to growth, the author paints a portrait of himself as the absolute horrendous toxic masculinity he attacks. The author talks endlessly about how everything awful happened to him but how he was always better than everyone else. The author was a good athlete until it was taken from him. He was still sensitive and smart and too bright for others even though people tried to take that from him. The author is completely unable to see himself as a full person. He tries desperately to control his own story and harm others in the process. It all comes across as incredibly toxic and whiny. This book will never help people to move forward.
The auto biography portion is a mess. The stories go back and forth in time, the motives of people are unclear and the stories ring as hopelessly one sided and false.
By the time the author is ready to move on to offering a more self-help style book or social commentary, it is too little too late. Very few studies are cited, precious little thought is given to considering their implications and the only advice is "be kind."
This book falls completely flat which is such a shame for a topic that needs to be considered. All in all, exceptionally disappointing.