kittykornerlibrarian's review against another edition
4.0
This is written in a Q & A format... it's the Ask Polly column that has been published in a couple of online publications. While I enjoyed the author's confident take on giving advice and especially her strong writing style, I wondered if I might enjoy it more taking it in smaller installments than reading it straight through. It did surprise me how convoluted and messy all the questions seemed to be. But "Polly" always writes long, thoughtful answers to the question being asked as well as to address the context around the question. This was an outrageously fun read.
aubrigail's review against another edition
4.0
I love the Ask Polly column - and this book is wonderful - touching, hilarious, profanity-laced. I highly recommend it and her weekly advice column (and all the previous columns on The Cut and The Awl).
flower_mail's review against another edition
4.0
So many actually helpful pieces of advice here. So much of what Heather wrote connected to things I've discussed recently with my therapist or things that I read that also resonated with me.
With that said, I did think Heather engaged in some gender essentialism and generalization ("all men are X; women feel...") that I think took away from her otherwise nuanced and thoughtful advice.
--
"What you do for a living doesn't have to define you. Being an idealist is worthless unless you have a strategy for sustaining yourself and aiming for a more conscientious way of living."
"Acts of malice stay with the body. They are not easily forgotten." (See also: The Body Is Not an Apology, Between the World and Me.)
"Let's try this: If I told you that you would never, ever fall in love again, what kind of a plan would you make to ensure your own happiness moving forward? What would you work toward? What would you do more of? I bet that you'd have to give up on some big dreams that you care about a lot. But I also bet that giving up some of those things might add up to a weird kind of freedom. [...] You need to stop making room in your life for someone else's love and start making room for yourself instead. When you feel proud of yourself and care for yourself, you won't worry about betrayal as much. When you imagine a beautiful life even in the absence of romantic love, finding love or losing it again won't seem nearly as scary." (See also: Jenny Slate tweet: As the image of myself becomes sharper in my brain&more precious, I feel less afraid that someone else will erase me by denying me love.)
"I used to date men who were obsessed with their creative projects. After a while I realized that I didn't want them. I wanted to be them. I thought being close to that energy would be enough."
"Fuck wondering if you're lovable. Fuck asking someone else, 'Am I there yet?' Fuck listening for the answer. Fuck waiting, alone, for a verdict that never comes. Don't grow up to be one of those women with a perpetual question mark etched into her brow: Am I good? Am I lovable? Am I enough? You are here. Sit down. Feel your potential in this moment. You have accepted too little for too long. That is changing today. Breathe in. Draw a picture of yourself. Tape it to the wall, with the words 'YOU ARE HERE.' You are here. Cherish yourself."
"Other people will always appear to move with dedication and consequence. How else does one behave when people are watching?"
"With writing, with comedy, with everything, you're about as talented as you think you are most of the time. People are so delusional about talent, as if you're either pure magic or made of nothing. You know which people think that way? Talentless people. Those who strive, who create who work hard? They know that about 50 percent of talent comes from working your ass off and other 50 percent comes from cultivating an extreme arrogance around your particular flavors of genius. [...] Having it is sometimes as easy as saying, 'DAMN I'M GOOD,' over and over again."
"I don't think you were made to follow men around, to wait for their cues, and to cower in the presence of creative people. I think you're doing these things out of habit. You think it's audacious to stand up for your talents, to boldly proclaim yourself a writer and take the life that you want and tell the life you don't want to fuck off. Stop being grateful for scraps."
"When you are at yoga class, pay attention. Do you tell yourself that you're mediocre at yoga the whole time? Or do you look inside for your feelings. Do you do a stretch and think, 'Christ, this hurts!' I am so inflexible still!' Or do you think, 'I am here, trying. I am a person who tries. I do what I fucking can. It's okay to just try.'" (See also: that journal entry you wrote about child's pose and your brain saying it hurts but actually your muscles are being activated and that's making you better)
"Life is not about knowing. Life is about feeling your way through the dark. If you say, 'This should be lighter by now,' you're shutting yourself off from your own happiness. So let there be darkness. Get down on your knees, and crawl through the dark. Crawl and say to yourself, 'Holy GOD, it's dark, but just look at me crawl! I can crawl like a motherfucker.'"
With that said, I did think Heather engaged in some gender essentialism and generalization ("all men are X; women feel...") that I think took away from her otherwise nuanced and thoughtful advice.
--
"What you do for a living doesn't have to define you. Being an idealist is worthless unless you have a strategy for sustaining yourself and aiming for a more conscientious way of living."
"Acts of malice stay with the body. They are not easily forgotten." (See also: The Body Is Not an Apology, Between the World and Me.)
"Let's try this: If I told you that you would never, ever fall in love again, what kind of a plan would you make to ensure your own happiness moving forward? What would you work toward? What would you do more of? I bet that you'd have to give up on some big dreams that you care about a lot. But I also bet that giving up some of those things might add up to a weird kind of freedom. [...] You need to stop making room in your life for someone else's love and start making room for yourself instead. When you feel proud of yourself and care for yourself, you won't worry about betrayal as much. When you imagine a beautiful life even in the absence of romantic love, finding love or losing it again won't seem nearly as scary." (See also: Jenny Slate tweet: As the image of myself becomes sharper in my brain&more precious, I feel less afraid that someone else will erase me by denying me love.)
"I used to date men who were obsessed with their creative projects. After a while I realized that I didn't want them. I wanted to be them. I thought being close to that energy would be enough."
"Fuck wondering if you're lovable. Fuck asking someone else, 'Am I there yet?' Fuck listening for the answer. Fuck waiting, alone, for a verdict that never comes. Don't grow up to be one of those women with a perpetual question mark etched into her brow: Am I good? Am I lovable? Am I enough? You are here. Sit down. Feel your potential in this moment. You have accepted too little for too long. That is changing today. Breathe in. Draw a picture of yourself. Tape it to the wall, with the words 'YOU ARE HERE.' You are here. Cherish yourself."
"Other people will always appear to move with dedication and consequence. How else does one behave when people are watching?"
"With writing, with comedy, with everything, you're about as talented as you think you are most of the time. People are so delusional about talent, as if you're either pure magic or made of nothing. You know which people think that way? Talentless people. Those who strive, who create who work hard? They know that about 50 percent of talent comes from working your ass off and other 50 percent comes from cultivating an extreme arrogance around your particular flavors of genius. [...] Having it is sometimes as easy as saying, 'DAMN I'M GOOD,' over and over again."
"I don't think you were made to follow men around, to wait for their cues, and to cower in the presence of creative people. I think you're doing these things out of habit. You think it's audacious to stand up for your talents, to boldly proclaim yourself a writer and take the life that you want and tell the life you don't want to fuck off. Stop being grateful for scraps."
"When you are at yoga class, pay attention. Do you tell yourself that you're mediocre at yoga the whole time? Or do you look inside for your feelings. Do you do a stretch and think, 'Christ, this hurts!' I am so inflexible still!' Or do you think, 'I am here, trying. I am a person who tries. I do what I fucking can. It's okay to just try.'" (See also: that journal entry you wrote about child's pose and your brain saying it hurts but actually your muscles are being activated and that's making you better)
"Life is not about knowing. Life is about feeling your way through the dark. If you say, 'This should be lighter by now,' you're shutting yourself off from your own happiness. So let there be darkness. Get down on your knees, and crawl through the dark. Crawl and say to yourself, 'Holy GOD, it's dark, but just look at me crawl! I can crawl like a motherfucker.'"
nyssahhhh's review against another edition
4.0
Thanks, Polly, for being so blunt and thoughtful.
Fave lines:
66: So this is what I'd advise: three or four dates of rolling with it--not to lure a hapless motherfucker into some elaborate trap, but to protect yourself form feeling like a beggar.
Because you aren't a beggar! You should never feel that way! Even if you feel a little disingenuous saying, "I'm trying to avoid getting too invested over the wrong person," when you feel like you're already in love with the person in front of you, that's okay. You should be more cautious about falling in love too quickly, shouldn't you? You shouldn't invest in the wrong guy prematurely. What if he's kind of a dick on the third date? What if, when you do sleep together, the sex isn't great and it doesn't improve over time? And you're already semi-committed? ... When you know what you want, you have to keep your heart and your eyes wide open. You have to be willing to fall in love, but you also have to be willing to step back and say, "No way, this is not a good choice for me," before it's too late. If you're walking around lamenting all the noncommittal guys,that's going to distract you from the fact that you still get to choose. It's completely natural to think, "Oh my Christ, these guys with their loner bullshit!" It's like noticing that the sky is blue. But don't let that make you forget your value. Don't feel like you're asking permission from someone else just to get a tiny bit of consideration and attention.
68: You just have to know yourself and know that you won't settle for something half-assed. ... Don't ask indifference to love you. Indifference can go fuck itself. This is your life, and it's going to be big and bright and beautiful.
104: When it comes to love, at least, you must stop being or seeming "better." You need to accept exactly who you are and stop wishing it would change, that you'd be more palatable to the masses.
106: You are going to fall in love with what you have and fall in love with who you are. Do not take the so-called bad or wrong things about you, that boyfriends or men or even women have told you, and try to "get rid" of those things. Put that stuff on the list right next to the stuff you're proud of.
108: You are looking for someone with a taste for you, and nothing less will do.
143: You are here. Sit down. Feel our potential in this moment. You have accepted too little for too long. That is changing today Breathe in. Draw a picture of yourself. Tape it to the wall, with the words "YOU ARE HERE." You are here. Cherish yourself.
160: Stop being grateful for scraps. Everything good in my life has surged forth from one crucial moment or another when I said, "I am not settling for these scraps anymore. I want more than this for myself."
194: Will you get what you want? I don't know, but if I were you I would build it into my belief system. I WILL LIVE THE LIFE I WANT. Maybe you'll have to make adjustments. Maybe you'll have a kid alone or not have a kid at all. Cross that bridge when you come to it, but resolve to cross it with optimism, marching or dancing a little as you go.
It's the only way. Don't lament and worry endlessly. Don't let yourself spin in circles over your dreary big picture. Resolve to do the best you can with what you have.
197: First of all, let's acknowledge that lots of people don't get to third dates these days. Something has gone wrong in the online dating universe lately, and now courting has become this barren landscape of snap judgments, baked by a relentless sun of suspicion and whipped by the prevailing winds of dissatisfaction, until nothing but hostility and disappointment can grow. Instead of looking for areas of connection, people scrutinize each other for flaws.
But people are flawed, the end! You can't be a people without being flawed. Pretending otherwise and looking for perfection in others is a path of self-hatred and delusion and mutual lifelong bullshitting.
254: Stop trying to make sense of things. You can't think your way through this. Open your heart and drink in this glorious day. You are young, and you will find little things that will make you grateful to be alive. Believe in what you love now,with all of your heart, and you will love more and more until everything around you is love. Love yourself now, exactly as sad and scared and flawed as you are, and you will grow up ad live a rich life and show up for other people, and you'll know exactly how big that is.
Fave lines:
66: So this is what I'd advise: three or four dates of rolling with it--not to lure a hapless motherfucker into some elaborate trap, but to protect yourself form feeling like a beggar.
Because you aren't a beggar! You should never feel that way! Even if you feel a little disingenuous saying, "I'm trying to avoid getting too invested over the wrong person," when you feel like you're already in love with the person in front of you, that's okay. You should be more cautious about falling in love too quickly, shouldn't you? You shouldn't invest in the wrong guy prematurely. What if he's kind of a dick on the third date? What if, when you do sleep together, the sex isn't great and it doesn't improve over time? And you're already semi-committed? ... When you know what you want, you have to keep your heart and your eyes wide open. You have to be willing to fall in love, but you also have to be willing to step back and say, "No way, this is not a good choice for me," before it's too late. If you're walking around lamenting all the noncommittal guys,that's going to distract you from the fact that you still get to choose. It's completely natural to think, "Oh my Christ, these guys with their loner bullshit!" It's like noticing that the sky is blue. But don't let that make you forget your value. Don't feel like you're asking permission from someone else just to get a tiny bit of consideration and attention.
68: You just have to know yourself and know that you won't settle for something half-assed. ... Don't ask indifference to love you. Indifference can go fuck itself. This is your life, and it's going to be big and bright and beautiful.
104: When it comes to love, at least, you must stop being or seeming "better." You need to accept exactly who you are and stop wishing it would change, that you'd be more palatable to the masses.
106: You are going to fall in love with what you have and fall in love with who you are. Do not take the so-called bad or wrong things about you, that boyfriends or men or even women have told you, and try to "get rid" of those things. Put that stuff on the list right next to the stuff you're proud of.
108: You are looking for someone with a taste for you, and nothing less will do.
143: You are here. Sit down. Feel our potential in this moment. You have accepted too little for too long. That is changing today Breathe in. Draw a picture of yourself. Tape it to the wall, with the words "YOU ARE HERE." You are here. Cherish yourself.
160: Stop being grateful for scraps. Everything good in my life has surged forth from one crucial moment or another when I said, "I am not settling for these scraps anymore. I want more than this for myself."
194: Will you get what you want? I don't know, but if I were you I would build it into my belief system. I WILL LIVE THE LIFE I WANT. Maybe you'll have to make adjustments. Maybe you'll have a kid alone or not have a kid at all. Cross that bridge when you come to it, but resolve to cross it with optimism, marching or dancing a little as you go.
It's the only way. Don't lament and worry endlessly. Don't let yourself spin in circles over your dreary big picture. Resolve to do the best you can with what you have.
197: First of all, let's acknowledge that lots of people don't get to third dates these days. Something has gone wrong in the online dating universe lately, and now courting has become this barren landscape of snap judgments, baked by a relentless sun of suspicion and whipped by the prevailing winds of dissatisfaction, until nothing but hostility and disappointment can grow. Instead of looking for areas of connection, people scrutinize each other for flaws.
But people are flawed, the end! You can't be a people without being flawed. Pretending otherwise and looking for perfection in others is a path of self-hatred and delusion and mutual lifelong bullshitting.
254: Stop trying to make sense of things. You can't think your way through this. Open your heart and drink in this glorious day. You are young, and you will find little things that will make you grateful to be alive. Believe in what you love now,with all of your heart, and you will love more and more until everything around you is love. Love yourself now, exactly as sad and scared and flawed as you are, and you will grow up ad live a rich life and show up for other people, and you'll know exactly how big that is.
laurenash's review against another edition
4.0
"It's tough to start down the path to adult life with even the slightest whiff of depression on board. And, honestly, it's hard for even the happiest, cheeriest person alive to navigate their twenties without becoming depressed."
In the intro, she mentions about how crass and curse-wordy her advice could be...and that was true. But, I didn't mind because it was real. I had plenty of moments of thought/introspection and "hmmm" reactions to her advice. It's obvious she cares about her readers.
In the intro, she mentions about how crass and curse-wordy her advice could be...and that was true. But, I didn't mind because it was real. I had plenty of moments of thought/introspection and "hmmm" reactions to her advice. It's obvious she cares about her readers.
hekate24's review against another edition
3.0
About 3.5 stars. Apparently I requested this book from the library and then forgot about it until I got the email telling me it was available. This is definitely a book that has a pretty clear audience, judging by who sent in questions to Polly. i.e. people between the age of 24-40 who live in cities and have jobs that allow them to live semi-comfortably. There are some parts that have already aged poorly despite this being a recent book (the weird barely relevant ode to Kanye West being the most obvious.) That being said, the author seems to be pretty intuitive and there are lots of kernels of wisdom in here that I will take with me into the new year.
eileen_critchley's review against another edition
3.0
I had never heard of Ask Polly before reading this book. I was hoping it would be similar to Cheryl Strayed's Tiny Beautiful Things, but TBT was much better.