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The Other Significant Others: Reimagining Life with Friendship at the Center by Rhaina Cohen
elizelizelizeliz's review against another edition
4.0
My partner kept asking if I was sick or crying because this book just kept me so emotionally raw the whole way through. As a person with a number of deep friendships, a queer person who came out into a world that didn’t have images that I could connect to of possible queer adulthoods, and someone who is both aromantic and polyamorous, I think a lot about what different relationship structures can offer and what there is actual cultural space for. Reading this book didn’t offer me everything I dreamed of but is a really nice pairing with Mia birdsong’s how we show up, and is what I think many people wanted Ann friedman/Aminatou Sow’s Big Friendship to be.
elizelizeliz's review against another edition
4.0
My partner kept asking if I was sick or crying because this book just kept me so emotionally raw the whole way through. As a person with a number of deep friendships, a queer person who came out into a world that didn’t have images that I could connect to of possible queer adulthoods, and someone who is both aromantic and polyamorous, I think a lot about what different relationship structures can offer and what there is actual cultural space for. Reading this book didn’t offer me everything I dreamed of but is a really nice pairing with Mia birdsong’s how we show up, and is what I think many people wanted Ann friedman/Aminatou Sow’s Big Friendship to be.
stellagramina's review against another edition
I recently had the opportunity to read an Advance Reader's Copy (ARC) of "The Other Significant Others" on NetGalley in return for an honest review. Rhaina Cohen explores a thought-provoking and unique perspective through her own label-defying friendship with "Em" (a pseudonym). This friendship serves as the jumping-off point for a broader discussion about profound human connections, particularly the intricacies of deep friendships: friendship roles, sexism and the damage it does to male friendship, the difference between romantic and platonic love, legal battles, grief, and more.
The book blends personal anecdotes collected from interviews with individuals in unconventional friendships that are often social if not legal partnerships, a historical context that traces the evolution of friendship and romantic relationships over time, and a look at the legal and societal aspects that have historically surrounded friendships.
In "The Other Significant Others," Rhaina Cohen presents a compelling case for the increased recognition of the role of friendship in our lives. The book offers a well-researched and thought-provoking exploration of the topic.
As I read, I appreciated the insights I gained about the various facets of human connections. Rhaina Cohen's personal experiences and journalistic background undoubtedly contribute to the book's well-researched content and the depth of her narrative. I also appreciated her willingness to be vulnerable. I particularly related to the discussion of feeling a kind of grief at her intense friendship with Em morphing into something less vibrant with the passage of time. I also learned a lot about friendship in antiquity through contemporary times, and I am better for it.
However, I couldn't help but feel that something was missing. The subtitle "Reimagining Life with Friendship at the Center" had given me hope that this would be a book that might help me reimagine my life is some way. While the book's thesis is clear - that friendship is both valuable and often underestimated in our society - it lacks a firm point of view or a decisive stance on what should be done to address this issue.
Rhaina Cohen's unique qualifications are evident in her ability to blend personal insights with comprehensive research, but I couldn't shake the feeling that the book might have had a more significant impact if it had taken a different direction. It could have leaned into being a personal memoir, a kind of "Eat, Pray, Love," with Cohen's friendship with Em at the narrative core, providing a more emotional and relatable dimension to the book.
Alternatively, "The Other Significant Others" could have been structured as a persuasive how-to guide, similar to "The Ethical Slut," offering practical advice for readers to create meaningful partnerships within their friendships. This approach would have translated the book's thesis into actionable steps, as I had imagined from the subtitle.
No matter. The book I read, not the book I had hoped to read or imagine now, was solid, and I have already recommended it to a couple of friends after a discussion of polyamory we had recently.
The book blends personal anecdotes collected from interviews with individuals in unconventional friendships that are often social if not legal partnerships, a historical context that traces the evolution of friendship and romantic relationships over time, and a look at the legal and societal aspects that have historically surrounded friendships.
In "The Other Significant Others," Rhaina Cohen presents a compelling case for the increased recognition of the role of friendship in our lives. The book offers a well-researched and thought-provoking exploration of the topic.
As I read, I appreciated the insights I gained about the various facets of human connections. Rhaina Cohen's personal experiences and journalistic background undoubtedly contribute to the book's well-researched content and the depth of her narrative. I also appreciated her willingness to be vulnerable. I particularly related to the discussion of feeling a kind of grief at her intense friendship with Em morphing into something less vibrant with the passage of time. I also learned a lot about friendship in antiquity through contemporary times, and I am better for it.
However, I couldn't help but feel that something was missing. The subtitle "Reimagining Life with Friendship at the Center" had given me hope that this would be a book that might help me reimagine my life is some way. While the book's thesis is clear - that friendship is both valuable and often underestimated in our society - it lacks a firm point of view or a decisive stance on what should be done to address this issue.
Rhaina Cohen's unique qualifications are evident in her ability to blend personal insights with comprehensive research, but I couldn't shake the feeling that the book might have had a more significant impact if it had taken a different direction. It could have leaned into being a personal memoir, a kind of "Eat, Pray, Love," with Cohen's friendship with Em at the narrative core, providing a more emotional and relatable dimension to the book.
Alternatively, "The Other Significant Others" could have been structured as a persuasive how-to guide, similar to "The Ethical Slut," offering practical advice for readers to create meaningful partnerships within their friendships. This approach would have translated the book's thesis into actionable steps, as I had imagined from the subtitle.
No matter. The book I read, not the book I had hoped to read or imagine now, was solid, and I have already recommended it to a couple of friends after a discussion of polyamory we had recently.
annegoodreads's review against another edition
emotional
hopeful
inspiring
reflective
medium-paced
5.0
macyboston's review against another edition
emotional
hopeful
informative
inspiring
reflective
medium-paced
4.0
Thank you to Netgalley and St. Martin's Press for the advanced reader copy of this book.
I was really impressed with the way the author was able to utilize storytelling to convey all the thought provoking topics of the other types of relationships we all hold to varying levels. It was an incredibly insightful book that really made me sit back and think about my friendships.
I think that this is an excellent source material for adults particularly those that are younger who might be questioning the value of marriage in the future and their close friendships. It could certainly help shape decisions for younger adults.
I was really impressed with the way the author was able to utilize storytelling to convey all the thought provoking topics of the other types of relationships we all hold to varying levels. It was an incredibly insightful book that really made me sit back and think about my friendships.
I think that this is an excellent source material for adults particularly those that are younger who might be questioning the value of marriage in the future and their close friendships. It could certainly help shape decisions for younger adults.
rachelnevada's review against another edition
challenging
emotional
informative
reflective
4.25
It's safe to say that I have spent far too much time in the past few years devouring any book I could get my hands on related to complicating the intimacies of friendship (see Nothing Burns as Bright as You, Big Friendship: How We Keep Each Other Close, Queering Friendship, How We Show Up: Reclaiming Family, Friendship, and Community, etc.), but Rhaina Cohen's The Other Significant Others really takes the cake. To say it's the book I've been looking for may be a bit dramatic, but it covers a lot of ground really, really (really!) well.
The Other Significant Others is divided into 8 chapters, plus an Introduction and an Epilogue. Each chapter focuses on a key aspect of platonic life partnership/romantic friendships, blending together social science research, anecdotes from actual partners, and Cohen's own personal experience with a close friend named Em. The chapters tackle defining these friendships, compulsory coupledom (a concept of Cohen's own making derived from amatonormativity), queerness (including asexuality), masculinity and emotional intimacy, child rearing, care giving, grieving, and legal benefits.
Folks who know me well will recognize many of my favorite talking points echoed throughout Cohen's work. She does an excellent job blending the emotional depth of these intimate friendships with all of the socio-political commentary a girl could ask for. For example in the chapter on grieving, Cohen tackles her own friendship heartbreak and the inequity of work bereavement policies. Since this is a topic I both think about and read about a LOT, I found Cohen's book to be more affirming than enlightening (unsurprising considering I've read a solid portion of Cohen's bibliography). However, if you're new to the topic, you're guaranteed to learn a wealth of information in a very engaging way. I'll certainly still take away some new bits and pieces
I do, however, have some minor quibbles with this book, especially as a queer ace person. As I mentioned earlier, Cohen has positioned her book as a challenge to compulsory coupledom, which she argues is derived from amatonormativity. However, it was frustrating that Cohen a) focused on folks who primarily came into these relationships unintentionally and b) continued to conflate sex and romance throughout the book, despite clearly understanding their distinction. For example, while Cohen does include an ace narrative in her book, she does not discuss queer platonic relationships (QPRs) at all. This is especially curious considering how in Chapter 1, Cohen discusses the limits of modern language to discuss these kinds of relationships. The ace community has developed the framework of QPRs, which has provided some greater understanding of these relationships and has allowed some folks to enter these relationships with greater intentionality. Furthermore, Cohen shies away from polyamorous relationship styles (although she mentions them), seemingly because she doesn't view herself as having multiple sexual or romantic partners. But there are polyamorous frameworks, like Relationship Anarchy, that specifically make space for platonic partnerships and their exclusion in this book was disappointing.
To my second point, I was also surprised to see that Cohen alluded to the split attraction model (which states that your romantic orientation can be different from your sexual orientation) but never delved deeply into it. I think it is fascinating to consider whether or not these intimate platonic relationships are romantic or not and I think the split attraction model helps open up the possibilities of romance existing outside of sexual relationships. In fact, it would have been lovely to include greater reference to people in romantic relationships devoid of sex. Cohen's avoidance of the topic feels almost like an avoidance of difficult questions. If sex is the only defining difference between her relationship with Em and her relationship with Marco, how is her relationship with Em different than the relationship between two asexual homoromantic lesbians? I don't think she knows the answer to this, but I wish she had at least raised the question.
I also found myself really desperate for clearer definitions! While Cohen talks about how romance can be distinct from sex, she continues to conflate the two in the rest of the book, often using "romantic relationships" as a contrast for "platonic relationships" (this, despite the fact that she acknowledges that some of these platonic relationships are also romantic!). I believe this is because she's referencing "modern romance" but the distinction is often unclear.
However, overall I really loved this book! Cohen brings such care and tenderness to the topic that is really easily felt. She has a knack for capturing the deep and abiding love between her subjects. I think readers will find their worlds a bit brighter and bigger after reading it and I'm looking forward to owning a physical copy that I can scribble all over.
If folks are looking for more books that push the envelope and help us reimagine what community care might look like, I really recommend Mia Birdsong's How We Show Up: Reclaiming Family, Friendship, and Community!!!
The Other Significant Others is divided into 8 chapters, plus an Introduction and an Epilogue. Each chapter focuses on a key aspect of platonic life partnership/romantic friendships, blending together social science research, anecdotes from actual partners, and Cohen's own personal experience with a close friend named Em. The chapters tackle defining these friendships, compulsory coupledom (a concept of Cohen's own making derived from amatonormativity), queerness (including asexuality), masculinity and emotional intimacy, child rearing, care giving, grieving, and legal benefits.
Folks who know me well will recognize many of my favorite talking points echoed throughout Cohen's work. She does an excellent job blending the emotional depth of these intimate friendships with all of the socio-political commentary a girl could ask for. For example in the chapter on grieving, Cohen tackles her own friendship heartbreak and the inequity of work bereavement policies. Since this is a topic I both think about and read about a LOT, I found Cohen's book to be more affirming than enlightening (unsurprising considering I've read a solid portion of Cohen's bibliography). However, if you're new to the topic, you're guaranteed to learn a wealth of information in a very engaging way. I'll certainly still take away some new bits and pieces
I do, however, have some minor quibbles with this book, especially as a queer ace person. As I mentioned earlier, Cohen has positioned her book as a challenge to compulsory coupledom, which she argues is derived from amatonormativity. However, it was frustrating that Cohen a) focused on folks who primarily came into these relationships unintentionally and b) continued to conflate sex and romance throughout the book, despite clearly understanding their distinction. For example, while Cohen does include an ace narrative in her book, she does not discuss queer platonic relationships (QPRs) at all. This is especially curious considering how in Chapter 1, Cohen discusses the limits of modern language to discuss these kinds of relationships. The ace community has developed the framework of QPRs, which has provided some greater understanding of these relationships and has allowed some folks to enter these relationships with greater intentionality. Furthermore, Cohen shies away from polyamorous relationship styles (although she mentions them), seemingly because she doesn't view herself as having multiple sexual or romantic partners. But there are polyamorous frameworks, like Relationship Anarchy, that specifically make space for platonic partnerships and their exclusion in this book was disappointing.
To my second point, I was also surprised to see that Cohen alluded to the split attraction model (which states that your romantic orientation can be different from your sexual orientation) but never delved deeply into it. I think it is fascinating to consider whether or not these intimate platonic relationships are romantic or not and I think the split attraction model helps open up the possibilities of romance existing outside of sexual relationships. In fact, it would have been lovely to include greater reference to people in romantic relationships devoid of sex. Cohen's avoidance of the topic feels almost like an avoidance of difficult questions. If sex is the only defining difference between her relationship with Em and her relationship with Marco, how is her relationship with Em different than the relationship between two asexual homoromantic lesbians? I don't think she knows the answer to this, but I wish she had at least raised the question.
I also found myself really desperate for clearer definitions! While Cohen talks about how romance can be distinct from sex, she continues to conflate the two in the rest of the book, often using "romantic relationships" as a contrast for "platonic relationships" (this, despite the fact that she acknowledges that some of these platonic relationships are also romantic!). I believe this is because she's referencing "modern romance" but the distinction is often unclear.
However, overall I really loved this book! Cohen brings such care and tenderness to the topic that is really easily felt. She has a knack for capturing the deep and abiding love between her subjects. I think readers will find their worlds a bit brighter and bigger after reading it and I'm looking forward to owning a physical copy that I can scribble all over.
If folks are looking for more books that push the envelope and help us reimagine what community care might look like, I really recommend Mia Birdsong's How We Show Up: Reclaiming Family, Friendship, and Community!!!
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