unhappyhour333's review against another edition
2.0
Her observations and insights into the why and how of self-hate are deep and spot on. However, the advice she gives to overcome it is simplistic and not very useful. She could have just said, "when you feel awful about yourself just stop feeling that way," and I would have saved myself about 60 pages of reading. I don't believe that this approach has ever helped anyone and it sure didn't tell me anything that I haven't been told a hundred times before by people who don't understand how awful it feels.
The other thing I took issue with was her use of "low self esteem" and "self hate" as being interchangeable. When you hate someone or something, it is a much stronger and deeper feeling than simply not having a lot of esteem for them/it. Maybe this is why her suggestions seemed so tone deaf to me. Because with low self esteem, you're starting from a place where there is at least a little self love, albeit a low level.
The other thing I took issue with was her use of "low self esteem" and "self hate" as being interchangeable. When you hate someone or something, it is a much stronger and deeper feeling than simply not having a lot of esteem for them/it. Maybe this is why her suggestions seemed so tone deaf to me. Because with low self esteem, you're starting from a place where there is at least a little self love, albeit a low level.
giftsintogold's review against another edition
4.0
A valuable, yet challenging, read into why we devalue ourselves with tips on how to recover our sense of value. The author writes from a place of struggle making it authentic, credible, and unfortunately less hopeful. (I realized I often communicate that way myself.)
breadcrumbz's review
2.0
Anneli Rufus begins her writing from the central premise that all self loathing stems from "spell-casters," or other people who undermined our self confidence. Her method of regaining self respect is to return to a time when you did not hate yourself (probably aged 3-5) and build yourself up from there. Unworthy: How to Stop Hating Yourself starts off strong enough, with promises to explore the nature of self loathing and use this knowledge to help readers find a middle place between self hate and narcissism. However, Unworthy's flaws soon overwhelm its strengths, and I struggled to finish it.
I had four main problems with this book: 1. the millennial problem, 2. the mother, 3. too many quotes, 4. highly coddling.
I won't spend too long trying to lay out my problems, but
1. The vicious way she discusses millennials was really jarring. Anecdote after anecdote urged the reader to remember and respect the humanity of ourselves. And others, I had assumed. But apparently not if they were born after 1980, since the one story about a millennial was written with real venom. I actually gasped at loud at the sheer venom in this description of a college student on a train: "The strappy skintight top and short shorts she is wearing do not flatter her. I think she does not realize this. It's not like some people who know that certain outfits do not flatter them but wear those outfits anyway, rebelliously. I think she really does not know." The rest of the anecdote is so ludicrous I have a hard time believing it actually happens. This story opens the chapter that Rufus uses to explain some of her pet theories about millennials and their narcissism. It's pretty clear she did not expect young people to read this book.
2. Towards the end this book reads much more like a deep dive into the author's relationship with her mother, told irritatingly in the second person, than the general exploration of self-hatred informed by the author's experiences I had been promised in the beginning. Rufus's mother is often used as a model of someone with self hatred. Because she clearly had very complicated mental health problems and abused Rufus, I don't think this was a good choice.
3. Way too many celebrity quotes/stories taken (stolen?) from interviews/memoirs. These felt so shallow! Occasional illuminating quotes sprinkled in here and there might have been appropriate, but using the stories of celebrities alongside anecdotes she collected from friends felt like filler. Especially quotes from figures like Gandhi, who hurt many women in his life and was a known anti-African racist. We're supposed to be shocked that even Gandhi could have struggled with self hatred.
4. Finally, I resented the constant coddling. Rufus's book depends on the idea that none of her readers are committed genocide. Maybe not, but most have done things they still regret. Their self hatred might be rational, but an unhelpful way to deal with the pain they've caused.
Overall, this was not the book for me. I didn't want a self help book, but I did want a more thoughtful exploration of self hatred than I got.
I had four main problems with this book: 1. the millennial problem, 2. the mother, 3. too many quotes, 4. highly coddling.
I won't spend too long trying to lay out my problems, but
1. The vicious way she discusses millennials was really jarring. Anecdote after anecdote urged the reader to remember and respect the humanity of ourselves. And others, I had assumed. But apparently not if they were born after 1980, since the one story about a millennial was written with real venom. I actually gasped at loud at the sheer venom in this description of a college student on a train: "The strappy skintight top and short shorts she is wearing do not flatter her. I think she does not realize this. It's not like some people who know that certain outfits do not flatter them but wear those outfits anyway, rebelliously. I think she really does not know." The rest of the anecdote is so ludicrous I have a hard time believing it actually happens. This story opens the chapter that Rufus uses to explain some of her pet theories about millennials and their narcissism. It's pretty clear she did not expect young people to read this book.
2. Towards the end this book reads much more like a deep dive into the author's relationship with her mother, told irritatingly in the second person, than the general exploration of self-hatred informed by the author's experiences I had been promised in the beginning. Rufus's mother is often used as a model of someone with self hatred. Because she clearly had very complicated mental health problems and abused Rufus, I don't think this was a good choice.
3. Way too many celebrity quotes/stories taken (stolen?) from interviews/memoirs. These felt so shallow! Occasional illuminating quotes sprinkled in here and there might have been appropriate, but using the stories of celebrities alongside anecdotes she collected from friends felt like filler. Especially quotes from figures like Gandhi, who hurt many women in his life and was a known anti-African racist. We're supposed to be shocked that even Gandhi could have struggled with self hatred.
4. Finally, I resented the constant coddling. Rufus's book depends on the idea that none of her readers are committed genocide. Maybe not, but most have done things they still regret. Their self hatred might be rational, but an unhelpful way to deal with the pain they've caused.
Overall, this was not the book for me. I didn't want a self help book, but I did want a more thoughtful exploration of self hatred than I got.
hapikohw's review against another edition
hopeful
informative
lighthearted
reflective
2.5
This book is great for people interested in understanding the Zen practice, meditation, gratitude, mindfulness and how compassion can save one from oneself in regards to self-hate. Unfortunately, this book was not for me, as I was actually interested in reading a deep understanding of self-hatred itself. I also feel like for what it was saying it just repeated the same things over and over for 236 pages when this could have been 60-70 pages easily, and even then would have been redundant.
literarygeorge's review against another edition
3.0
What made this book only three stars is that it agonizes many points it's already made. The first two thirds seem to be saying the same thing differently and it became tedious to read. Not only that, I picked up the book to find some tips or helpful perspective not to wallow in things I already know and do not need explained over and over. The last third was good and could've been expanded more to be better. If the point was to help people stop then the helping should be more of the book.
janeanthereadingqueen's review against another edition
challenging
dark
sad
tense
slow-paced
2.0
This is absolutely NOT a self help book in any way, shape, or form. It should be listed as a memoir, and a freaking depressing one at that. Some great quotes by other people, but overall if you skip this one you are not missing out on anything either than being beaten with the author’s depressive writing.
Content Warnings
Low self esteem, feels is worthlessness, borderline child abuse/neglect, anxiety, depression
raoionna's review against another edition
2.0
While the structure of the book is sound, and the premise that self-esteem can be systematically improved, the text is basically a thin filigree of the author’s over text to embellish a crochet doiley of quotes.
curious_cucumber's review against another edition
2.0
The book contains more of a personal history than a self help book with some slightly backed up scientific claims. From my personal experience, not all self-loathers tend to seek validation and acceptance from people around them; contrary to what a huge portion of the book discusses. But the book did presented me with some helpful information.